Hi DF crew
I'm still clean from all the heavier stuff, 80 days clean today, excluding booze.
Starting to drink like a fish every night though & even tho it's not killin' me too fast, I can feel my train leaving the tracks, and I need to get off before I fully derail again. Don't want to get off the all the other sh*t only to end at the bottom of bottle, I'd rather be a junkie than an alcho., booze doesn't get me off like some other substances, the thing about booze is that I don't need a script or a connect, herein lies the issue.
Been talking myself up to get involved with the NA / AA mob for a while now, I don't buy their whole 12-step approach and i see a lot a fault in their mindset (all or nothing), but I need some face-to-face time with other people walking my road. Rocking up to a meeting I am scared I'll just look like some half-assed loser, but I suppose that's better than hocking my passports for gear, lesser of two evils.
I don't know how any of you guys can stay clean without totally relocating and cutting out all your contacts, I would of picked up multiple times if it was easy and available. I'd need to roll down to the local exchange and hustle about to get on, and that's enough of a buffer to keep me clean for now.
I am still having a lot of using thoughts and really wanting to numb myself from all this emotion, I have struggled with my sanity the last few weeks, lots of panic attacks, sweats and all that, but I am generally stoked to be clean. I am doing all the stuff I wanted to - painting, training, learning guitar etc and sowly these things are becoming fulfilling in their own way and not just a nighttime distraction from my own messed up internal landscape.
I hope everyone else trying to get clean is going OK.
Sending good vibes to the rest of the DF opiate class of 2014.