Escaping hell: getting off oxycontin 400 mg/day - Part 12

By Taarna · Aug 13, 2014 · ·
  1. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words, Alka holic!:) They are very, very warmly received!

    And I am truly sorry you had to deal with a similar situation with your father! My God, that is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy! I am truly sorry..

    I am starting to find strength in all kinds of things these days. Like being on this website!:) Or being at the gym, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "You look so much stronger now than even 3 weeks ago!" Also, working helps. For the first time in a long time, I am working without any chemical help. It IS a very anxious time for me, I won't lie, but once it's over, I feel good about having done it. Does that make sense??:)

    Thank you again for your kind words!:)
    Sending good vibes your way,
    Taarna
    ________________________________________________________________________________________

    DAY 21!!!!!!!!!!

    Something that Alka said got me thinking again....

    And yes, I suppose I will use this as my "confession" time, in a way... After all, c'est un journal, n'est pas?:)

    My situation with my Dad was exacerbated later on, when I pretty much started treating him like crap! Every time he wanted to have a serious conversation with me, I'd ignore him; pretty much every time he was "fall-down drunk", I'd call him names; whenever he'd try to apologize or explain something he felt, I would again ignore him, etc.... So NOW COMES THE GUILT!!!

    Coz we never, truly "made up", or talked about what things were like before he quit drinking, before his cancer diagnosis. The last thing I said to him with tears streaming down my face and my voice shaking, was in the hospital, while he was under morphine drip, almost unconscious: "Dad, I so hope you can hear me right now.... I pray to God you can hear me right now.... I just wanna say this - I love you! I have always loved you and I never stopped! I am so sorry! I love you! I have always loved you and I never stopped! I am so sorry!" ......... And I kept repeating that over and over and over again. But, I don't think he heard me. I really don't think he heard me...:(:(:(

    And how dare I?????!!!!!!:mad::mad: How dare I NOT UNDERSTAND what he was going through??? I WAS GOING THOUGH THE SAME THING!!! I WAS/AM AN ADDICT MYSELF!!! And apparently a self-involved, egotistical, blind, selfish one, at that!! Imagine all the stress I put on him, all the blame he was putting on himself BECAUSE of my actions, all the suffering he endured because of my behavior! Yes, yes, yes, he put ME thru hell too... Still, two wrongs SURELY don't make a right! Now imagine had I talked to him, truly communicated, truly tried to help EACH OTHER!! Who knows what friggin MIRACLES could have occurred then!! Maybe we could have healed together! Maybe his immune system would have helped him beat the cancer! Maybe I KILLED MY FATHER DUE TO MY SELFISHNESS AND NEGLIGENCE!!!!! SURELY, I CONTRIBUTED TO KILLING MY FATHER DUE TO MY SELFISHNESS AND NEGLIGENCE!!!


    .................................................................................................. fuck.

    I need a second

    Taarna added 49 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...

    There's no escaping reality for me, no matter how hard I try! At least not since 2006, not since my father died. About 3 months before he passed, I went to a doctor and he put me on Suboxone. THAT was one of the biggest mistakes I have made in regards to my addiction! But that's another "thread" onto itself! (Wow! Why did I just say "thread" and not "story"?? Hmmm...) Suffice to say, 3 months later, when he died, I was on Actiq lollipops - the 1600 microgram - about 5-7 a day. I HAD HOPED the doctor would wean me off the Sub within a few weeks. Unfortunately, he had no such plans. As a matter of pure fact, my good friend who went with me to said doctor, that same day in January 2006, due to his nasty opiate addiction, is STILL GOING TO THAT SAME DOCTOR today! So.. yeah, no plans of weaning. I had to do my own.

    He had me on such a high dose of Sub that those many pops made me feel good. Not great! But, yeah - good. From there, I went to eating that lovely black gooey "tootsie roll", and finally weaned off that too. MY GOD!!! THAT was truly HELL! THE 10TH LEVEL OF HELL!!! The kind of hell where for the first 14 days you sleep for about 3 hours; your body can't stop rocking back and forth; you feel as though the Katabatic Arctic wind is constantly blowing on you; you don't even have the energy to stand up and brush your teeth- you have to lean your forehead against the bathroom mirror; you can hardly BABBLE a few words together, but mostly one or 2 syllable words like "Pain", "Bathroom"(hard one!), "Water"; every sound hurts your ears and every light hurts your eyes; every sneeze makes your stomach recoil in horror; etc.etc. etc. You get the picture, I hope.

    So why is my brain taking me back there?? Any REASON? Usually it would be a trip to guilt town. But it is not tonight. Please, trust when I say it is starting to dissipate. And part of me feels great relief at this, yet part of me is sad... Like losing an old friend, despite the fact he has been nothing but miserable. Yes, yes, perhaps we shouldn't have miserable friends.:)

    Today HAS been a bit difficult... Yeah, understatement... I worked for what seemed like friggin hours in front of the computer (I have a side gig doing these medical reports), and it just draaaaaaained the soul out of me. Yick!... AND gave me a huge headache! AND the work is so automatic, a monkey could do it, so all I could do was THINK OBSESSIVELY! Stupid topics, painful topics, annoying topics!! But never PLEASANT topics, HAPPY topics! Nooooooo! God forbid! Why is it so EASY and NATURAL for my mind to wonder in the negative/sad/depressing/dark side of things, rather than in the happy/positive/bright side?? Fuuuuuuck! It's ex

    Taarna added 81 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...

    The FUCKING LAPTOP went blank - out of juice. When it came back, it LOOKED as if all was ok! MY POST WAS STILL THERE!!! So I KEPT TYPING! AND TYPING! AND FRIGGIN TYPING! FOR AN HOUR OR MORE! I lost track of time.

    Then I posted. And NOTHING. It said something about fixing problems, that the internet page was no longer there.... Fuck! When I plugged it in and turned it back on, I should have copied and pasted what I had typed, but I SUPPOSE I should have turned everything off and then on (like the browser). BUT OF COURSE I did not think of that at the time!

    And lost EVERYTHING. This fucking sucks. I am sorry for using so much profanity, but this really sucks.

    I'm going to sleep. Have to work tomorrow and am dreading it.... Explained why but....

    A domani. Hopefully day 22 will be a bit better.

    Taarna added 0 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...

    The FUCKING LAPTOP went blank - out of juice. When it came back, it LOOKED as if all was ok! MY POST WAS STILL THERE!!! So I KEPT TYPING! AND TYPING! AND FRIGGIN TYPING! FOR AN HOUR OR MORE! I lost track of time.

    Then I posted. And NOTHING. It said something about fixing problems, that the internet page was no longer there.... Fuck! When I plugged it in and turned it back on, I should have copied and pasted what I had typed, but I SUPPOSE I should have turned everything off and then on (like the browser). BUT OF COURSE I did not think of that at the time!

    And lost EVERYTHING. This fucking sucks. I am sorry for using so much profanity, but this really sucks.

    I'm going to sleep. Have to work tomorrow and am dreading it.... Explained why but....

    A domani. Hopefully day 22 will be a bit better.

    Taarna added 1 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...

    ok- so it was only 31 minutes or so of typing, but it sure the hell felt like an hour!:)

Comments

  1. N1ceMarm0t
    Sup Taarna?

    I hope your Day... 26? Is treating you good. I kinda sorta forgot to add to your spirits here on your thread, sorry about that. :)

    BE STRONG.
  2. TappingSoftly
    Wow,Taarna! I just read your thread, and my history is very similar to yours. There is probably nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before or don't already know, but I wanted to let you know that I understand exactly what you are going through, and I can tell you that if you can stay clean, it is so totally worth it in the long run. Opiates, which I believe I will always love, make life easy, comfortable and simple. But what what I have come to appreciate is that, although life with always be hard, with no shortage of sorrow and suffering, there is a beautiful, complex, poignant, bittersweet quality to living drug free that so rich and ... I don't know ... deeply human, that it makes it all worth it. It's definately not all good, but the good parts are really, really good. Being fully alive is so much harder but so much better than the soft warm comfort opiates provide. Anyway, I hope this helps you, even just a little. What you're going through is so hard, I know, but it will be so worth it. Learning to play the piano was hard, but wasn't it worth it? This is the same thing times ten. I'm thinking of you Taarna; I know you can do it!!!
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