Feeding a grocery habit one day at a time and now recovery (Poppy Seed Tea) - Part 33

By Epyx · Apr 17, 2015 · ·
  1. Day 11

    I have had Kratom on a few days where Anxiety got too much but I will be cutting that out. I am sick and tired of needing chems to push my emotions in the desired direction. However, from where I was just 11 days ago...IM HAPPY. The amount of drugs I was imbibing was ridiculous...likely enough to kill a herd of buffalo...the daily acquiring is SO NICE to not have to do anymore. I am finally almost free...workouts are getting easier, still issues with energy at times but music is helping a lot!

    Off to day 12...soon the weeks start again. Can't wait. Here we go. Oh and on the weight front...started this adventure at 260...at 250.2 11 days later...not sure if I mentioned but I also cut out alcohol completely. My daily ritual was 5 diphenhydramine and 2 tall strong beers to potentiate...always and never without fail. Course that added liquid calories. I always laugh at the stereotype of skinny junkies...me and my buddy where 260lbs and hes 350+...sweets on opiates particularly methadone and morphine imo...is heavenly and so are bad carbs...I ate like a hog and began to look like one.

    So 10lbs down in 10 days isn't super healthy and most of it likely water weight from the high sodium and alcohol etc...but at least 4lbs of that is healthy and now that I am eating better and exercising the rest will be healthy 2 to 3 per week. Goal is Aug 15th and to be under 200lbs.

    Epyx added 140 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

    Wow...reading some of the journals here just drives home how everyone has underlying reasons and pain in their life. If I examine my life...I have never had depression issues...always happy but did have a lot of pain in my early life with divorce...a father who mostly abandoned us...and a mother who was more into her social life on welfare (smoking/drinking) than caring about what we were up to...I played baseball for 5 years...my mother went to 1 game during that time...1 game lol wow...

    As a Father to a now almost 19 year old...I could never miss an event no matter how minor it seemed...but i guess some parents just don't have those same priorities...then again my mother wasn't hooked on opiates like me so I guess it is all relative but I have never neglected my parental duties...im in my early 40s and really only started using regularly at age 37...so fairly recent. This makes me hopeful I can get my brain rewired back to the old me in a few weeks/months.

    Epyx added 1369 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

    Day 12

    Woke up feeling *almost* my old self...each day brings healing and that is the thing about the process of sobriety I am going to focus on. It is easy to numb each day away...but time to tackle each day as a day of possibilities...up to me to bring positive energy into each of them not a drug. Also so nice to not have to source....that perhaps has been the biggest benefit of all next to health and finances of course...I hated devoting a day to the acquisition and had become really bitter about it.

    I also do not miss alcohol which has also been 12 days. When I look at the mountain of empties I amassed over the last year...I can bet it will damn well nearly be $100 of empties. That is this weekends project, return empties.

    Also helps that our beautiful Canadian west coast is so mild and temperate...we have been in the teens celcius for weeks with very little rain. I live in a beautiful area and it is nice to begin to see the beauty in nature again.

    I am at that strange stage where my smells are going hyper...I can smell so many different things I was numb too. Will do my usual 60 mins cardio today and eat healthy.

    For those curious I try to east about 6 meals a day for roughly 1800 calories. This creates a few hundred deficit from food and the rest is through that hour of cardio. I end up keeping a deficit of roughly 600 to 1200 depending on food and activity per day...which is 2 to 3lbs per week...healthy for a guy.

    Weightlifting starts this weekend. Really excited about it as it has always been something I enjoyed.

    Hope all of you are hanging in there and having a good week...keep positive and keep the voice at bay. We control not it.

    Epyx added 1342 Minutes and 34 Seconds later...

    Day 13

    Well here we are almost 2 weeks. Definitely feeling a LOT better...everyday in fact is better. However, I have been keeping busy with exercise. It is strange this time...no cravings. I was originally going to quit on the 2nd which was a Thursday and then dragged it out into Saturday (my last dose). Almost as if I knew...this time the jig really was going to be up for a long time. Lot's of things on the go in my life and I like it like that...idle time and idle hands get into trouble lol.

    My routine has been an hour of cardio per day and as indicated in the previous entry...this weekend I start my favourite, weight lifting. Healthy eating still on track...again all about getting into the routine and habit and so far so good.

    This doesn't mean I am letting my guard down. I actually had to grab something for my wife that was located in a store I know carries good stock...didn't flinch...but neither did I tempt fate by walking up to the bulk bin. Grabbed the stuff I needed and got the hell out of dodge lol.

    Life is good and the slow down of sobriety has been a welcome thing...slowly things are falling into place!

    For anyone reading and on a similar journey...this weekend is ours...we got this!!!

Comments

  1. Kitts
    Wow Epyx you've done so great! This is a very inspiring read that will be most useful to other members going through the same thing. Thanks for keeping such a great journal. I hope you will continue keeping it so well updated. Have a lovely weekend, Kitts.
  2. DeepGreenSea
    Congrats Congrats Congrats!!!

    My dear opiate addict-

    I think you are just about at the point where this advice may be of some use to you...

    Stopping your DOC is just the first step of True Recovery. That's not to say it isn't gut wrenching, but it is not where the real work is. The real work is finding out why you are one of the people who cannot just have "one or two." Or why you could do that, be "that guy", and then suddenly you couldn't. The mental and emotional aspects of addiction are where the Real Dragons hang out.

    This is from a 10 year addict with almost 2 years of clean urine under her Lady Belt. Racking up days of Clean Time is AWESOME. But unless you do the work to understand your predilection or disease or habit, that Dragon is just gonna be biding her time. Exercise and nutrition and Hobbies are all part of the Plan, but people who do DIY Recovery often don't get one Essential Component-help understanding why they have not Developed and/or lost their Coping Skilks. Why your DOC becomes your only way to cope, with everything, good or bad. Happy? Let's get high. Sad? High! Higher! Highest! Bored? Annoyed? Same answer-eveytime.

    I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm trying to beat that Scaly Bitch to your Neural Cortex/Soul/ID. If you didn't mind her eating you, I wouldn't say anything at all. But you do.
    Talk therapy, group therapy, NA/AA (I'm not a fan but some swear by it), online therapy options with professionals-any and all of these are options you could explore. Some are free, most not so much, but developing your coping skills is just about priceless in terms of living without The Dragon. Look around quietly for counseling opportunities in your area. If one option feels wrong, drop it. Listen to your gut. You've been ignoring That Gut Voice for a long time but that doesn't mean it's given up on trying to help you!

    Finding an appropriate and comfortable place to explore your feeling (with a professional to guide you) will be a challenge, something to eat up those "I'm soooooooo flipping bored" moments at the very least right?

    The reason I suggest this now is, if you look at your recent posts, you will hear that you have already started trying to solve the Mystery. You have the time, you have the natural inclination, and you have lots of first person narratives of This Journey DF for gentle guidance. As I'm suggesting, your own Recovery Journal can be a resource for you! Read between your own lines!

    The Best way to Defeat an Enemy Dragon is not to ignore her, it's to render her obsolete. Counseling, communication and Self Love are the tools. Wield them, work at them and watch your Garden of Clean Grow!
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