I feel my sense of freedom lowered because I have so many and so strong cravings and aversions. I’m swept by my desires, for coffee, for weed, for food, for playing online games, for procrastination and distractions. And it’s unbelievable that few days ago before starting to smoke again, I was on top of these values, I was getting much more self-control into my life. But weed and giving into cravings in general is lowering that self-control.
My addiction is controlling me. Even while writing this I’m thinking about how could I cancel my todays meetings, buy more weed and take just one another day off. Slack off work, even though I love what I do. I actually did not do what I committed to for last days when it comes to my work ethic.
I can see instant results of weed on my life, but I crave it so much anyway. I know it’s not rational, it’s irrational. I know it’s not helpful. But it frees me up in that single moment of smoke in my lungs. Even though that same smoke is taking the real freedom from me… I feel like insane.