Feeling shitty, smoking continues.. I'm embarrassed

By W.u.n.j.o · Mar 13, 2018 · ·
  1. I feel my sense of freedom lowered because I have so many and so strong cravings and aversions. I’m swept by my desires, for coffee, for weed, for food, for playing online games, for procrastination and distractions. And it’s unbelievable that few days ago before starting to smoke again, I was on top of these values, I was getting much more self-control into my life. But weed and giving into cravings in general is lowering that self-control.

    My addiction is controlling me. Even while writing this I’m thinking about how could I cancel my todays meetings, buy more weed and take just one another day off. Slack off work, even though I love what I do. I actually did not do what I committed to for last days when it comes to my work ethic.

    I can see instant results of weed on my life, but I crave it so much anyway. I know it’s not rational, it’s irrational. I know it’s not helpful. But it frees me up in that single moment of smoke in my lungs. Even though that same smoke is taking the real freedom from me… I feel like insane.
    Reasonable likes this.


  1. Reasonable
    Hello friend. All you said is true. You are not alone. At least you aware of this for yourself because some people don't even think about it and just keep doing whatever feels good in the moment until they get stuck a lot deeper in the hole they dug for themselves. Instead of commitments days ago, it's months ago or even years! Yeah, it doesn't make sense, I agree about the slacking off work even though you love what you do. I wonder if you could schedule a special reward for yourself that you don't get until after you finish your work? Like, since coffee and online video games are two of your favorite distractions, and they keep you from getting work done as soon as you'd like, maybe you could schedule those two activities to reward yourself after you get your work done! That way, you get your work done and still get to do the coffee and games too, but instead of being things that are keeping you from doing your work, they are actually now transformed into two motivations for getting it done! Just thinking in the moment and trying to help. Stay positive, friend!
  2. W.u.n.j.o
    Thanks, Reasonable. It can help, I believe, but a problem I see is that it would still feed my addictions. I would be most happy if I could cut it off and I can do that as well, I feel great afterward, very powerful, but then I won't sustain it. (While feeding addictions makes the cycle worse.)

    So, it's tricky situation and my own mind tries to manipulate me. But you're right! I realized it in days, not years. I can do something!
      Reasonable likes this.
    1. Reasonable
      I understand W.u.n.j.o.! Like today, I've got to finish some work that is like writing 6 brief essays. It's 9am EST and there's a basketball game I want to watch at 12:45pm EST. I'm making a game out of it to finish the work before the game comes on and I won't let myself start watching the game until it's finished , so I make myself finish so that I don't miss out. If I didn't set it up like that, I'd probably just put it off until later and get behind schedule.
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