Well the title says it, I want to keep an R&A journal for my good and hopefully it will inspire or help another person. I have been abusing drugs for 12 years on a daily basis, all day everyday other than the occasional month or week here and there that I would try to stop. My biggest demon is research chemicals, mainly stimulants and cannabinoids.
I feel like I barely escaped with my sanity, I started to lose grip on reality and people started to become very strange to me, I looked at everything differently. I saw everything different, including employment, relationships, just everything in daily life started to be come "wierd". I have a hardtime describing this but I know some will relate to this sensation. Everything was almost laughable, kind of like, "oh you silly humans, thinking what you do is so important, thinking so much of yourselves, thinking your so aware of every existence." (crazy I know)
I started to lose it and I kept pushing it and pushing it and I am grateful I escaped with my sanity, health, wife and kids still in my life. I have lost them several times to this and I started to realize if I didn't pull my head out of my ass than I would find myself in a place that's irreversible, a place with no family, only me and the drugs. But the sickest part is this, drugs just fall in your lap when its very important that you dont use, but when you just lost everything to it, it holds out and you usually end up sobering up against your will and feeling the pain you tried to escape.
I have played this fucked up game to many times now,I just got this killer job that allows me to support my family without to much difficulty, I can not afford to relapse or I will certainly lose my job, and as many addicts, I have had much difficulty holding a job. I have 2 weeks off of RCs, just got over the withdrawals a few days ago and I am now I am using kratom to help balance my moods and get me through the tough times, I have smoked Marijuana a couple of times in the last two weeks as well. I bought a bag of MJ when I threw away my stash and have smoked 3 times, only on days that I needed relief in minutes and couldn`t wait for kratom. it has only been a last resort, I do not smoke it for fun and I dont get high anyways, I just dont feel sick.
I know that its a bad idea to use something to "come down" but at this point im going to pick my poison, I have never had a problem with kratom, well at least mentally, I have been physically dependent on it though. I know what some will say in their posts, some will warn me about kratom and for that I thank you for looking out for my best interests, but also politely say that I am doing this the way I can mentally handle it and that anymore would overwhelm me.
I will post frequently to keep everyone updated, this is by far the best I have done in over 10 years so I am feeling pretty confidant that I will be able to keep it up. Any advice or experiences that you have, please feel free to share them here. Thanks