my story starts young as a child. i grew up in a homeless shelter witnessing my mother being beaten, raped, and assaulted several times over the years living in a bad area and trying to be a kid i grew up fast with drugs always around. my mom died when i was 15 and i lost it. i had no one and my life spiraled from there. i started reaching out for people i related to and they all used drugs. my curiosities got the best of me.
my father was a bad alcoholic drug addict that chose addiction over me. the state tried putting me in different places but my hate made it impossible to deal with me. i started at 15 using marijuana, meth, lsd, pain killers like oxy contin ( my baby ), opana, perks, you name it and drinking heavily mixing nerve pills with it and i didnt care if i lived or died. i met women and they always wanted to fix poor broken me but i was such a ahole to people. other addictions i could pick up and leave behind but oxy had me deep in my soul it owned me but i never accepted it. i robbed, lied, screwed people over to get my drug. i had no compassion for anyone i can see now.
i met a girl that wouldnt accept no for a answer. she swore she was my salvation and stayed by my side. she was adopted but lived a great childhood and was happy and never used drugs. i ruined her i feel in my heart cause now years later she is so addicted maybe as badly as me. we had a child together. i didnt want a kid. i screamed, cried, and resented getting her pregnant but i see now that it was god intervening cause this child would be the key to fixing me. the one thing i dont to be is a bad father. i dont want my child to grew up the way i did so i tried so hard to make this relationship work but my addiction made it hard. i overdosed and was rushed to the er. my son was 2 at the time and i almost died right there. i was using 560 mg of oxy a day with meth and alcohol and nerve pills and i didnt give a care. my relationship ended cause i scared my ex cause she said she couldnt handle it but people kept trying to save me from myself.
well drugs killed every other relationship i tried to have to. they would try to get me in rehab but i refused. 17 years after it started i started a methodone clinic and started trying to fix myself and counselors were all baffled at my history and i had overdosed 3 times by then. well i couldnt use other opiates on methodone cause it blocks them so i doubled and tripled my dosage on the streets outside the clinic and my daily dose was 180 mg a day and i overdosed once more on 550 mg of methodone. i woke up to my son sitting next to me at age 7 crying. my heart hadnt felt any emotion till i seen that cause his mother kept him from me and made me much worse at the time.
well here recently i was supposed to have my son with me cause she felt having him would give me a reason to get clean so i started detoxing down to 105 mg daily and i didnt go get my son that day cause i tripled my dose and mixed it with nerve pills and i totalled my car in a field and i was knocked out for around two hours until a police officer woke me and i was admitted in the hospital around a day or two. they drugged me to with dilaudid and then while i was there i thought to myself what if my son wouldve been with me i cant do this anymore. i had lost everything i owned and now my car and almost my life and couldve been my son and i said no more. i want to be a good father cause once again id caused him pain from this so i quit cold turkey and said god im ready to quit.
im not going to lie on day 7 of this detox this detox made me see everything i have done to the people i love and it played like a broken record in my mind but my family intervened and i exploded so they wouldnt leave me alone from then cause i was my own worst enemy. the next two weeks till day 22 i felt like i was losing it always in the bathroom, not sleeping, just crying cause my way of coping was gone and i have a eight year old worried about me cause he hasnt seen me through this detox.
i have now made it all the way to day 45. i have accepted the serenity prayer into my heart and am asking forgiveness slowly for the damage ive caused everyone but my ex still suffers this addiction daily so she now has lost custody to her mom. i was deemed unfit but i accept that cause i told the judge i dont deserve my son but soon i will. i will not ever use again ever it has destroyed my life but im not looking back and im making up for this horrible addiction and all the damage. i now am homeless but finally found a good job and by this summer i should be ok financially with no drugs in my life and show my son the father he deserves. god has a plan for us all i can see now my eyes are open and i hope this long read may help someone in a low place
ozzmosis added 88 Minutes and 38 Seconds later...
you will never fix anyone until they surrender and are willing to accept they have a problem. im still new to this place but ive met several people that i feel i can relate with on a addiction level. i hope one day i can help someone in a dark place like i was. music has became my new addiction