Forgive Me Because I'm Craving For It

By angelraysmehigher · Mar 9, 2019 · ·
  1. Still feeling pretty average today, recovery wise.
    One of my nephews was around earlier today and we had a lot of fun playing dominoes with my mum and then we did some crafts together upstairs on my decking.
    I seem to have invested a lot of my focus and energy on revamping the setup going on up there this week. I re-potted a little pink Dianthus I bought from the local fruit shop yesterday into a bigger and nicer, permanent home. I already had a couple of potted Cordylines, an Aloe Vera and an Athropodium which all were lacking some love, so I gave them all a mineral drink and rearranged them around. I also got given an old coffee table so I put two coats of outdoor furniture oil on it and placed a few small ornaments on it for decoration. I dusted all the old cobwebs off from the roof and started fixing some cheap, plastic wisteria vines and daisy chains to the ceiling beams. For someone that typically lacked creativity for interior/outdoor design, I am pretty pleased with how it has come along and is looking now, like a real zen space.

    Definitely a space I can benefit from at the moment. Last night after I finished mucking around with a bit of sketching out there, I curled up on my yoga mat with a blanket and just lay. Since hitting the meth hard, I've found it a real struggle to slow down and actually stop throughout the days. Even lately since I've made the effort to get off it, I struggle not doing anything. I always seem to be needing to do something; my mind always ticking and my body following in suit. Still incapacitated physically a fair bit, so it has typically been through drawing, colouring in, reading, decorating or my new course work. Though it actually was left rather neglected with my head in a rough state most days making it hard to concentrate on that kind of work.
    But it was really nice to just lay down and relax and feel my whole body release. I can feel myself stuck in this high-alert mode and the more I am becoming aware of it, the more I realise how much I default back into this tense, hyper-vigilant state. My muscles all stiff and holding tension, my breathing shallow and within the upper portion of my chest. It's not comfortable but I am finding patience and increasing awareness of letting go of how I used to hold myself for so long, is helping to slowly unwind everything.

    But back to today. It was blissful enjoying the time with my nephew together. He has just started kindergarten and of course, is finding all things to do with private parts inappropriately funny. We had a roaring time making pipe-cleaner people and at his request, adding a little male addition out of my wooden craft beads to his pipe-cleaner figure haha:p
    I now find myself back down the coast a little minding my new puppy friend till his owner's return home just after midnight tonight. I took him for a walk along Sea Cliff Bridge which is an incredible and breathtaking sight. Always attracts a lot of tourists but today we were lucky; the weather had been overcast so not many people about and we went around 5pm so the area was starting to quieten down. My legs are getting stronger and I can feel my glutes kicking in more. They are slowly redeveloping and building strength so I dared to enjoy a bit of a run both directions and was so happy when I felt everything working without the usual discomfort and hindrance from the muscle imbalances.

    I guess things are picking up but I still worry about the next few weeks. Worrying won't change anything so I know it's just wasted energy. But the cravings have been intense. Today I really felt like using and ended up buying a pouch of tobacco, papers and filters just to have something to smoke other than bongs. Too many bongs and I'd end up on my ass too fast ha.

    I can't help but think, are the addiction pathways now just hardwired into my brain for good? Is it just a roll from one form of addiction to the next for the rest of my life now? I've never been a huge fan of smoking. I smoked for a year or thereabouts when I was 19, but stopped after I landed myself in the hospital twice with asthma attacks. For some reason tobacco smoke is way too harsh on my lungs, I end up wheezy and chesty the next day. Yet I've always been able to smoke meth without a problem. I don't know that I'll be able to take to smoking rollies too heavy because it will affect me too harshly, but even smoking one or two a day on top of smoking weed is not ideal and not a behaviour I want to continue into a habit. But for tonight, it seemed to help take the edge off a bit and after last weeks escapade, I'm happier to smoke a few rollies than be smoking meth.

    Anyway, the kitchen is calling my name so I'm gonna up myself off this lounge and get something yum to eat and maybe head to bed soon. I'm undecided if I'll stay down the night here or head home when the owners get back. Another of my nephews is playing football up in the Blue Mountains tomorrow so we are all off to watch that, which I'm really looking forward to. But we leave fairly early so I think i'll be better rested if I just stay down here. I could certainly nod off pretty soon :cool:

    Night fam and thank you to those special members who checked in on me with profile messages and comments through the week. Your consideration is worth more to me than you may realise so thank you again and I'll get back to you in the coming days to let you know how things are. xxx

    About Author

    Just a 25 yr old meth user trying to beat my addiction and repair the broken pieces that have become my life.
    My 5 years of mostly rec. use turned addiction when I began using daily from the start of 2018.
    I started this journal to express my unspoken thoughts, emotions, conflict and turmoil from my addiction and toxic relationship with meth. I hope one day it ends with a golden finish.
    PastorFuzz likes this.


  1. jazzyj9
    Can you get a nicotine vaporizer? It’s less harmful? Have you considered seeing a doctor for the depression?

    It does sound like you are feeling better though!
      PastorFuzz likes this.
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