Fucking Fool

By angelraysmehigher · Mar 3, 2019 · ·
  1. I feel like the biggest dumb cunt writing this and it’s hurting inside to bring myself to admit it.


    I made the decision to use today and I don’t even really know why.
    I didn’t get personally, after I made myself be cut off from the old sources, I can’t anymore. But I was able to get through someone else who got for me. And I am hating deeply for it. I was good and now I’m not. And I don’t know how. ..


    Why did I do it? I don’t fucking know.
    Did it feel good? Yeah wow the euphoria that returned when for so long every hit I took literally made me feel nothing, I can’t deny that the high felt good. It felt insideous and dark which only drove the lust to smoke meth even more. But before too long panic set in about what a terrible mistake I made and I spent almost my entire high phase riddled with anxiety, worrying and tension. Freaking out about what a fuck up I made, what a glorious idiot I’ve made of myself and I’m simply a weak minded addict.
    17 days and I threw it down the drain.
    Is this really how easy it’s going to be for me to relapse every time? Is this really how fucked it’s meant to feel when you KNOW you’ve let yourself down. Honestly so many people I went to school with have normal lives, they’re working and getting engaged/married buying houses as couples. But I’m wasting mine trying to heal an addiction to meth and not really concerned anymore at the thought I’m almost risking my investment property because I’ve managed to dumb out and am fully incoherent with budgeting now and been so wasteful with my money.

    How can it be that one day I can completely go flop and do a 180 in my intentions, thoughts, self perception, self talk, priorities, thinking process, values, behaviour, beliefs, e v e r y thing....

    Fuck meth, fuck addiction and fuck the twisted justice system that doesn’t do shit at bringing justice.

    I’m not trying to play victim and whinge meth addiction is painful and suffering. That’s my own fault. But meth is just a cruel, cruel dictation on life. The shame.. so much shame ...


    Fuck I hate this drug.

    About Author

    angelraysmehigher
    I'm a 25yr old HAS BEEN daily user of meth. A habit I've still managed to keep hidden in the dark from my loved ones and anyone closely around me. I created this journal as a means of expressing my emotional turmoil and internal battle with this drug, my first and only avenue of confessions involving my dark and dirty little secret. I stay dedicated through abstinence for accountability and the hopes that my story may resonate with others and impact them in a positive way.
    PastorFuzz likes this.

Comments

  1. JaneGault
    Oh dear. You need to realize, right now, that relapse is a normal part of the recovery process.

    Repeat after me, relapse is a normal part of the recovery process. Now, you fucked up and you know it. Do not let guilt drive you back to using. Shame and remorse are fine, to a degree. Acknowledge your mistake (as you have), and get back on that horse.

    You have what it takes. When I read your next journal entry, I know it will be a good one. If you have any more, throw that shit out.

    Be good to yourself, forgive yourself, and do not dwell on this. I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for your mistake.

    Take care, be well, Jane
  2. PastorFuzz
    Hey, lil friend!
    Hugs to you right outta the gate. You sound like you could use them. It's OK and you're gonna be OK too just as long as you don't abandon the master plan. Just like you would say to anyone who was in your shoes; don't give up, just stand up, dust yourself off, take a lesson from it, and move forward.

    You were brave to post this entry and you have my admiration and respect for that. Now you've beat yourself up a lil bit and that's enough, OK? Let's be done with that now. No good can come from hanging out here any longer. I wouldn't worry overly much about the number of days. That's really nuthin more than a point of reference anyway.

    What is important is that you don't use today. Tomorrow ain't here yet and yesterday's come and gone. Just focus on today. Take a deep breath, get your bearings, and resume your journey like the lil warrior that you are.

    Oh yeah, and maybe smile lil bit for me too, OK? Know that you're much loved and we're all still right here with you. That don't ever change. Here's a few more warm gentle hugs and teddy bears from this Texas toad to help you get thru your day/night and I'll check in with you soon xoxo
  3. angelraysmehigher
    @PastorFuzz @JaneGault
    I wish I could say something more right now but I just can’t find the words. Feeling so deflated and broke. Empty too.
    But please know it’s appreciated endlessly for both your kind words.
    Honestly, thank you.
    I'm off to ride out this come down, be back when I'm back xx
      jazzyj9 and PastorFuzz like this.
  4. JaneGault
    You will be in our thoughts. Please, check back in when you are up to it and dismiss the guilt, it serves no valuable purpose.

    Be well, Jane
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  5. angelraysmehigher
    Thank you @JaneGault x

    I'm so conflicted about what I think it was that triggered me.
    I recently saw someone that really fucked me up a few years ago when he sexually assaulted me in year 12. My apologies for any potential triggers to anybody there, it is in no way my intention. But that played my mind a bit and I true to my style defaulted into pretend mode again. Pretebding I never saw him. Pretending like none of this is even real. Pretending it’s a bad dream.
    Like I pretended I never had a dream of that same person becoming my lover and boyfriend and I was ok with it.

    I woke up from it so confused in general. Didn’t realise it was 2am when I got up and started eating Nutella from the jar with a fork.

    Didn’t realise some parts from it still hurt and affecting me so. Ignorance is bliss can only last for so long.. Im shocked n embarrassed, why the hell would I dream of something so incomprehensible, what on earth is wrong with my mind?

    It’s proving me a rather difficult one to work out that’s for sure.

    Goodnight.
  6. JaneGault
    Set it aside for now, you can revisit the "why" after your comedown with a level head. I'm not saying to forget it, just postpone thinking about it.

    Try to avoid anxiety at the moment.

    Get some rest dear, Jane
      PastorFuzz and jazzyj9 like this.
  7. jazzyj9
    Try to get out of your head. I think that in order to stop craving it you will have to really internalize the dislike of the side effects. You don’t sound happy when you’re high. Why use something that makes you unhappy and uncomfortable? Don’t think about that and get stuck in a mind loop though. Your unconscious mind must stop desiring meth.

    What I would do is really notice the feelings now not the thoughts they are distracting but the experience itself.

    Find out who can help you do that or something in your life that provides that clarity that you are inducing pain rather than pleasure. The pain is greater than the pleasure. You have to know that through and through.
  8. JaneGault
    @jazzyj9 nailed it. This is why you should listen very closely to those who have lived through meth addiction and have achieved abstinence.

    I haven't even tried meth (and don't intend to) so support I offer is based more on my experience with alcohol addiction. I'm not saying I cannot offer constructive advice, just that some members recommendations pull more weight.

    Jazzy is thoughtful and right on. Jane
  9. Elliza
    Just saw your post on fucking fool. I can sympathize going through the same thing. But we're only human and there's always tomorrow.
      angelraysmehigher and PastorFuzz like this.
  10. jazzyj9
    There is always tomorrow until there's no tomorrow. Life is finite, good to remember that. That's why it's good to figure out how to stop doing things that are detrimental and cause us pain and suffering, like addictions. Once something is doing more harm than good, it's really time to stop doing it. Being young provides the illusion that time is unlimited but that is not true. Our lives could end any day now, young or old. It's important to spend as many moments as possible, present in the moment and enjoying it.
      angelraysmehigher and Elliza like this.
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