If I am going to do this I am going to do it right. Really commit to it. With that being said I am going to try and post here as often as it feels right to do so.
I listened to my phone messages last night and had one from the psychologists office telling me they had an earlier time and day for me to come in.
This freaked me out. Why? I am not sure. Or I wasn’t until I thought about it a bit.
If I go in earlier I will have to face my demons earlier and what if she is a crappy therapist? What if she does not take me seriously like that time I went to the ER feeling suicidal from withdrawals.
Then I spoke with my wife, who is my rock and the rock of our family. For the early part of our marriage that was me. For 12 years I was the rock. I was the main breadwinner. I was the one supporting her in therapy. Hers was for depression, she has almost never used a day in her life. When she was 18 she tried suicide by taking a bunch of her moms percocets. Her mom is a major addict. She got better she got treatment but most of all she resolved to change. I could write a book on how that came about but that is beside the point. She has not touched a thing since that day at the age of 18. So many years ago. And her depression is gone.
Then family deaths happen, then I get horrible diseases, then I gave up. I have given up for the last 10 years in my opinion, Even though she told me that was not true and pointed out a lot of things I had not considered. I just look down on myself all the time.
She is the rock now. I am the depressed user. I talked to her for about 30 minutes yesterday and told her all my fears and how scared I was and that I know I am an alcoholic. She knew this already. Then I told her how much I love opiates and how much I have/had been taking and she was not too surprised. She kinda figured. But she did not know how bad it had gotten and I told her and she was just 100% supportive.
So why am I still scared to go in? Mostly it is because I want the therapist to take me seriously and not blow me off. So many Doctors have done that to me until I found the specialist I am with at the University, but only 2 therapists have.
Lord when did I become such a chickenshit?
I will move up the appointment I will make sure to go no matter what and I will let you know how it goes.