Well after many years of heroin addiction I am preparing to get clean - again. I’ve been very embarrassed and ashamed st the amount of times I have tried to get clean and have then relapsed but I was told the other day that I should look at it from another angle - that I should be proud that I have never given up trying to give up. That actually made me feel a bit better about it because I really haven’t just thrown the towel in and figured that well I’m just a junkie and that’s all there is too it. I know from my small amounts of clean time that there is a better life waiting for me, I just have to be prepared to do the work to get there.
I’ve had the worst time this past relapse. My partner died in May next to me in bed. I woke up and he was gone. It was absolutely horrific. Since then I have carried on using but I get no pleasure from it, it’s just something to keep the world at arms length, to keep me at arms length. We used together and now I just hate it. I’m so incredibly lonely but I will never be able to get back to seeing my friends and family and indeed to make new friends as I have lost so many, until I get clean.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I need to be clean anyway as I’m going to stay down at my sisters for Christmas and any sign that I’ve been using and she’ll tell me to get the next train home. I cannot lose my sister after everything else. I was planning on getting clean in December but finances are putting me in the position where I’m now going to do it in the next couple of days. I’m going to do it cold turkey as can’t be bothered trying to seek out benzos or subutex/suboxone etc
I guess I’m just writing this to get some of it out of my head. I’ve been very inspired by the journeys I’ve seen on the forum and just hope I can do it too. I’ll be back on day 1!