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  1. Well after many years of heroin addiction I am preparing to get clean - again. I’ve been very embarrassed and ashamed st the amount of times I have tried to get clean and have then relapsed but I was told the other day that I should look at it from another angle - that I should be proud that I have never given up trying to give up. That actually made me feel a bit better about it because I really haven’t just thrown the towel in and figured that well I’m just a junkie and that’s all there is too it. I know from my small amounts of clean time that there is a better life waiting for me, I just have to be prepared to do the work to get there.

    I’ve had the worst time this past relapse. My partner died in May next to me in bed. I woke up and he was gone. It was absolutely horrific. Since then I have carried on using but I get no pleasure from it, it’s just something to keep the world at arms length, to keep me at arms length. We used together and now I just hate it. I’m so incredibly lonely but I will never be able to get back to seeing my friends and family and indeed to make new friends as I have lost so many, until I get clean.

    So that’s what I’m going to do. I need to be clean anyway as I’m going to stay down at my sisters for Christmas and any sign that I’ve been using and she’ll tell me to get the next train home. I cannot lose my sister after everything else. I was planning on getting clean in December but finances are putting me in the position where I’m now going to do it in the next couple of days. I’m going to do it cold turkey as can’t be bothered trying to seek out benzos or subutex/suboxone etc

    I guess I’m just writing this to get some of it out of my head. I’ve been very inspired by the journeys I’ve seen on the forum and just hope I can do it too. I’ll be back on day 1!

    About Author

    Lozzle81
    Female 36, been addicted to heroin for 13.5yrs and had some clean periods so I know I can do it. Feel much more psychologically addicted than physically.

Comments

  1. LAC
    Please don't feel ashamed, I so agree with whoever said you should be proud. To keep trying is the way to success.
    I honestly think we learn from each relapse, it's the pre recovery stage. We are preparing our minds during pre recovery & getting more fed up of being ruled by powder.
    If it was easy there wouldn't be millions of people addicted to opiates. It takes time to face the fear that keeps us using.
    You have had an awful time, my heart goes out to you. Losing your partner is so sad.
    You have this journal to get things out & get support xxxx
      Markant likes this.
    1. 407trip
      I hit rock bottom like 4 months ago went homeless lost car and lost job maling over 1k a week. To shooting up daludids and crack speed balling. My addiction was only about 3 years but i struggled hard trying to stay sober. I always quit everything cold turkey. But now im working and got a roof over my head and off the hard drugs. U can do it lol
  2. Markant
    I agree with @LAC, you should've been ashamed if you've never tried to quit before. Trying to quit means you're fed up, simple as that and that means you want to better your life. And you as everybody else struggling with addiction deserve that better life; no more sickness without money, no more self-destruction, no more guilt and hating yourself for using or feeling you're weak-minded.

    Try to focus on the positives although it must be so rough after you lost a loved one. But you've been given the gift of life at birth and you're obligated to yourself to appreciate this gift.

    Appreciation only surfaces when the waters are dark and deep. There are two options: give up and drown in the depths of the waters of misery or fight and resurface where the sunlight reminds you of how bright and beautiful your future can be.

    Never stop fighting for you will certainly lose your goals and never stop hoping for you will be no more than an insatiable soul endlessly devouring all the future happiness
    and joy, replacing it with a bottomless black hole.

    You will face the temptations of evil and you will hear the vehement voice of the Devil during your struggle for your survival. But free will is on your side and you have the God given power to say 'I refuse to listen and let you also take my life'.

    Instead listen to the goodness in your beautiful heart and surrender to the fact this battle will be incredibly hard, so you'll be ready to be cleansed from the guilt-ridden past, as the pain caused by leaving your mastress in hell, will finally be your last...

    Freedom is waiting for you, don't let her down and she won't let you down.

    You'll be in my prayers. God bless.
  3. LAC
    Is it this weekend?
    I know you must be frightened, I was beyond scared terrified so it's a natural way to feel.
    I just wanted you to know in here thinking of you, willing you with my whole heart to success.
    You will do it, remember it won't be as bad as you imagine it will be. It will be a relief when you start because the fear lessens a bit. I was more scared during the run up than I was in the first few days.
    You can stay with your sister & enjoy Christmas totally clean! How amazing is that xxx
  4. Lozzle81
    Wow thank you @Markant and @LAC your messages have really given me a bit of an oomph and I really need it.

    My detox will start tomorrow. It was meant to start today but I spent my phone bill money. However now I don’t have any money to spend and that’s the position in which I need to be because otherwise it doesn’t matter what the money is earmarked for it will go on heroin if I need it. I just need to not pawn my phone as I have done in the past. Really don’t want to tho as the money would only last me another 3 days so what’s the point really? Just hope I think this sensibly tomorrow.

    I’ve done a good food shop so I won’t be lacking on that front. I’ve put a good amount of electric on the meter so I can stay nice and warm. I’ve made sure my Netflix has been paid so that I can have something to watch during the insomnia that is sure to come. Not much else I can do in preparation except have a shower tonight so that I won’t pong too much over the coming days when I won’t be inclined to have a wash! Scumbag I know!:p

    I’ve done this many times over but only a few times has it led to some proper clean time and now for the life of me I cannot remember how I got through those early days. Has anyone got any tips for me? I’m doing it cold turkey as for me using some methadone or subbies only prolongs the inevitable moment when you have to stop taking them and go it alone.

    I’m so looking forward to spending time with my sister & niece & nephew plus other family members over Christmas and I want to enjoy it fully. The last time I went to my sisters wasn’t planned and was just after my partner had died. I went down there not feeling great and having major sleeping issues due to both the loss of my partner and because I was in WD’s. My sister turned a blind eye because of the situation but she wouldn’t do it again and I am usually a proper sleepyhead so I need this time to get clean enough that my sleep returns. Cannot leave it until a few days beforehand.

    Thanks again for all the support xxxxxx
      Markant likes this.
  5. LAC
    Awesome you have prepared so well. Having plenty food & Netflix is perfect.
    Cold turkey is the quickest way, I felt I couldn't of looked after my boys properly if I'd cold turkeyed.
    Message me if you need anyone to vent to.
    I always used to try to fight or ignore cravings & of course it made them worse.
    So the best tip I got was to acknowledge my feelings/cravings. Accept I felt shit & wait for it to pass.
    Talking aloud to my addictive voice helped to. That voice in my head would say to use once more or start quitting tomorrow. Telling it no & thinking of my family helped.
    Writing things down can help, like lists of why you want to stop & all the negatives about using. Reading them in weak moments can keep the motivation going.
    Let us know how you are.
    Remember you can do this, believe in yourself. Mindset is a big part, determination to quit will see you through xxx
  6. Lozzle81
    Cheers hun really appreciate the positive vibes and the tip of acknowledging the cravings cos of course they’ll be rampant on day 1.

    You’ve done so well I really want to be able to do it too. Just need to do it - sounds daft but I’m murder for convincing myself that just a few more days and then I’ll quit. Can’t have that this time and yes I’ll think about my family like you do. They deserve to not to still be worrying about me after almost 14years and they certainly deserve to have a lovely Christmas after inviting me to spend it with them.

    I’ll let you know how I’m doing tomorrow!

    xxxx
  7. LAC
    Oh jeez I was the worst for that, I'll stop tomorrow was my catchphrase for months.
    How are you doing today, I hope you are ok.
    It's not much comfort at the moment but it doesn't last long.
    You are so so brave going cold turkey.
    Im thinking of you & willing you to be ok.
    You can do this, keep reminding yourself you have had clean time before. This time you have prepared. Kick heroins ass xxxx
  8. LAC
    Really hoping to hear from you soon.
    Isn't it funny how invested we can feel about our DF friends when we haven't met in person.
    I think because we are so honest in here that we really get to know each other.
    Still thinking of you & hope you get online soon.
    Lots of love xxx
  9. LAC
    I keep checking on here to see if you are ok. I hope you update soon.
    Sometimes during withdrawel people don't want to talk & just quietly get on with things. So I understand if that's what is happening.
    I hope your doing well & coming out the other end Hun.
    Even if your not doing well it's no shame. We just try again.
    I would love to hear you are safe, you are normally on here most days so can't help but be worried.
    Lots of love, hope to hear from you soon xxx
  10. Rhi
    I can only imagine what that is like for you to go through. Hopefully your doing good but if not, it doesn't mean never. Cold turkeying to me and many others is a extremely brave process and and really shows your detrimination to want to get clean. I wish you all the luck. You should be very proud of yourself.xxx
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