Hi all. I am just looking for general advice/words/anything to keep me goi whilst I'm lying in my bed awake trying to put off the inevitable depression from clouding my mind.
I've moved back in with my parents after six months of being on it almost every day. I'm bipolar and prone to detrimental behaviour. I started going out and partying every night after moving to a new city six months ago. I was taking cocaine every single day for a few months, and up until today the longest I have went without takin cocaine in the last six months is six days.
I've funded this behaviour by being in a relationship with a drug dealer, who is not taking advantage of me or prostituting me whatsoever. He is one of the most beautiful, amazing souls I have ever stumbled upon. However due to his own misfortunes he turned to a career that has taken the life and creativity from him. I would give my life to make him better, however, I cannot do that for him and I'm giving my life anyway. I have pushed away my best friends, family and everyone who cares about me because they cannot watche endanger myself anymore. My best friend and my sister kicked me out of my home a few days ago because they "couldn't watch me kill myself". My sister'a partner threatened to leave her because he couldn't stand to be around me. I saw my own father cry.
All of these things make me feel more depressed, useless, hopeless, worthless. But also give me the tiny piece of motivation to get better to help the only people that I do really care about. However I can't help but let myself get more pushed towards my partner because he is the only person that I am around that TRULY understands and feels the way I do.
Today I left and I moved back in with my parents. I have not yet started the period of becoming clean as I took cocaine today before I left and I also drink every day. I do not see myself as being addicted to any one substance, apart maybe from alcohol, as it's not the substance that I crave. It's just not being sober, and the lifestyle and the parties. I can say no to a line bt I can never say no to a night out. And I can't have a night out without needing drugs eventually. I believe my issues are cocaine and alcohol and I'm terrified to try and stop th both at once. I would so, so much appreciate any advice. Thank you.
Figures: I drink a bottle of red wine a day. Go out partying around 4 times a week, where I will drink straight through gin/beers/vodka etc. Take cocaine around 4 days a week. Variable amounts from 1 gram a week-1 gram a day. Around 85%