Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 110

By tryhard · Sep 18, 2014 · ·
  1. i am so down ,, so sick of myeslf ,, i feel like i am haveing a fucking brake down ,,, i dont know whats going on but the only way i ....... . i ...i ..

    i just finnished my car and hope to register my car tomorrow ,,, but instead of being happy and excited , i am very upset
    and i dont understand at all !!!!!!!

    ive had tears all afternoon ,, started as soon as i finnished and i washed my hands ,, i just broke down and have been hide,in
    it , i have become very good at hideing the real me.....
    it wears me down bad,,,i am so sick of it........

    the selfloathing just consumes me hole .......
    all i want to do is run and hide , but i can never run far enough to get away from me!!!!
    fuck this hurts somuch and i cant stop it or control it.....
    i worry sometimes it will take on a life of its own and i will never come back......

    i run and hide inside myself as i have no where to go anymore ,, sick and tired of being sick and tired.......
    i feel so painfully alone and i am hate and guilt , shame and hopelessness ,,, every day i wake to the same thing.....

    i cry so much and try so hard but nothing changes and i am getting so tired of haveing to be ME....
    this is not just a bad day ,, i have felt this for some time now ,,, i thort it would overcome this as i have done with so much
    but it wont pass ,, i am not wanting to fight anymore....

    i could be in a house by now but am not shore if i want to.....
    its all just so twisted up and i cant work it out....
    its as if i want to hurt myself ,, something wont let me succeed ,, i want to do the best i can but how,,,,,, i am the one keeping me down ,,, but WHY???

    what is the self sabatarge for ? WHATS IT FOR??? WHY CANT I JUST FUCKOFF LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!


    SORRY that i have not posted sooner but as you can see i am haveing a couple of problems.... this is my nineth attempt to post in this space ,, needless to say frustration has gotten the best of me ,, more then a few times ,, many many problems with phone , service ,battery ,, me fucking up and pushing the wrong button ,,, so much lost txt ,, so much feeling and emocean lost ......

    i can never explain how much i need YOU right now....
    somany times a day i stop to read and reread what you have posted to me ...
    it is all i have to keep me from turning myself inside out and loosing it.....

    this is all i have ,, YOU are all i have ,, i feel so alone but knowing YOU are there ,, most of the time , this is good enough.....
    but sometimes i scair myself........

Comments

  1. Cwb20022
    From reading your journal i get the complete opposite opinion of you and your recovery. In reading the journal of an unbelievably strong man. That no mmatter what life throws at him has not giving up. Or no matter how many times you've stumbled you've gotten back up. And tried again. I can say that your a much stronger man then i am.

    I think you would benefit alot by going back and reading your own journal. Because you've been so strong. This feeling of self loathing will pass. And i know you'll be right back on the road to recovery. Are you still using? I know that's the first thing US addicts think of doing when were down. Maybe if you feel down or like using you could post here? Or send one of us a direct message? Just having someone to talk to can be a great benefit.

    Andrew. Man i can't explain how much respect i have for you. You ARE an inspiration. No matter how you may feel. I can say that people reading this journal don't see that at all. You've shown time and time again your strengthand determination. I wish the best for you. You can always dm me if you want to just chat. Thanks for the update. In serious. Go back and read when you first started this journal. You'll see how strong you've been this past year. Keep us updated. No reason to go through a hard time alone when you have so much support here. Good luck man. Stay strong. Don't give up. Peace.
  2. SoozyQ
    Hey Andrew,

    Just saw your most recent post. So sorry you are going through such a rough patch. I agree with everything Cwb said.

    Either you are still using or withdrawing from your recent binge. Either way, emotions will be all over place. Do not give in to the darkeness. You are a great bloke. You express your emotions honestly (at least on here). Lots of people can't do that.

    Someone on DF recently said they were saying to themselves every morning on waking "everything is going to be ok" (even though they were in a dark place and didn't really believe it at first). Why not just try repeating that to yourself?

    You have had huge highs and lows over the last few months. I have experienced similar (although not as extreme) coming off methadone. Seems the best things for it is exercise, diet and sleep. Do u still go for long walks on beach? I seem to sleep much better if I go for even a short 30 min walk during day.

    Sending so much love up your way. There are good things in your life but sometimes it is hard to see.

    Love hugs and strength xxxxx If someone would just invent teleporting, I'd head up for a walk along beach with you:D xxxxx
  3. charliecat
    A
    I can't DM back because your inbox still full!!!

    You are certainly not alone I felt your every pain in every sentence above cos I am right where you are now, and think about how your doing all the time. Every word you write echoes exactly how I feel but I find it so hard to put into words or tell anyone...

    How can we really want something with all our heart, something that we are in complete control of but fuck it all up every time. The devil himself couldn't even think up the mind fuck up of heroin withdrawals that can bring you to your knees where you begin to think the only way out is death..peace
    Like you this is all bringing me right to the edge and my level of risk taking keeps on going up cos what's the point anymore. Me to is back to multiple using every day and not been to work for nearly a week.

    I kind of knew if you went back home with a pocket full of cash it would end like this. It was to soon. Look how happy you were when you were away working. You were doing it mate and you sounded so happy. You can do it again. If there's one thing we are both good at its trying again....tryhard
    Remember those moments you have where the high almost manic feelings almost overwhelm you when your getting over acute W/Ds and all those feelings start coming back...wow...I love those moments even though the crash will come...gotta have some lows to really feel the highs...we been numb for to long...it takes time for those mad highs and lows to even out after so many years of smacking them out..

    Surviving being addicts for as long as we have and the life style that goes with it must give us huge mental strength we just have never learnt to use that strength to our advantage and not our destruction.

    I pray that tomorrow we both have a successful day 1 clean. Tomorrow is a whole new day and any thing is possible. If i lived closer to you where the sun shines all the time..id sail off into the ocean with you miles away from shady crack houses and trying to score day after day..Just a boat, the sea, no dope well apart from a big bag of weed..a girl gotta have something..
    But for now a big hug across the internet will have to do xxxx Keep safe A..
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!