Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 117

By tryhard · Oct 1, 2014 · ·
  1. A, Charlie that's a very good idea and is in my on going master plan. ....... but slowly slowly and this is where it all gets hard
    if I act to early it will fail and I will be signing a lease I can not finish , another one ,, again ....
    Being the way I used to be ,, I can't mate ,, has always made stuff worse. ......

    Things like payin rent was just more I couldn't push up my arm , even buying food was a big deal and normaly ended with me getting stoned and just worry about it later , meaning no eating at all ....
    I have taken food out of bins , I have stolen food , and just basically just starved myself often ,, to often and just became my
    way of life , I suppose. ...

    Now to reflect I don't fully believe it ether ,, you couldn't make up a storie that wild. .....
    Some of the things said , seen and done have I spose have made me in to the person I am today ,,, but Charlie it just terrifying to me ,,, I can't trust myself enuff to make that move ,,, everytime I have done that , always paid cash and just fuck it up everytime ....... I think I am still banned from the Bond loan authority system , that's why I have had to pay cash. ......

    When I was 17 odd , I went into Bond agreement and fuck it up ,, have paid it but the bad mark remains on my record ,,,,
    I have tyred but always get rejected for some reson or another. ........

    Also my work at the moment is only a few days a week ,,so although pays ok I suppose, , ATM the hrs are only small. .......
    Has been mainly the weekends ,, when it gets busy I will be doing well but I think I am going to need a second job. ..........

    All good I can make myself a job ,, now that the focus is off useing and more on work and my shabby appearance ,,,
    We joke about how the look of the ruff fisherman is quite true , I got the part quite well .....

    tryhard added 9 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...

    Sorry phones fucken up , had to send , be for u lost it , have more to go but just have google some shit for work see ya in a bit

    tryhard added 507 Minutes and 19 Seconds later...

    Back again , wow I have given myself a a fucking hard time today......
    I have read a lot and have come up with nothing but questions.

    Why do I persue this coarse of selfdestruction ?
    Why do I sabatarge myself , at any and every available opportunety ?
    Why am I so scared to be successful?
    How am I going to get over all the thing I struggle to understand ??

    Everytime I have done well , I shoot myself in the foot, I am the one who holds me back , I am the one who stops me ....
    I do these things to myself ,, I don't remember why!

    A lot of the stuff I read today maid me cry , I don't understand what others see in me that I can't. ...
    I have alot of trouble seeing these things in myself... most of the time I cannot.....
    I struggle to be that person I hear about on DF ,, it ills me to see who I want to be, ,,, but I won't let me be. .....

    I feel alot that I am in a passive , destructive mode and only have to do nothing , to let it all fall apart. ...
    I shutdown all the time , I can hide it so well ,, I could be killing myself for living ,, right next to you and you would never know. ...I would only care if I rememberd , then I would only use it against myself anyway. ........

    Sometimes I just can't handle myself. ...........

    Andrew. ..

    tryhard added 1437 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

    A all ,, I was having a fair day , then I thort about my boys and how much I long to see them , hug them and to tell them
    that I love then very much and that everything is going to be ok. ......
    I can not even start to tell you how I feel about that situation ,, what they must think when they need there father!!!!!

    Most of the time I can't even think about that ,it just crushes me and opens a new door for self punishment....
    Even to type this has tears streeming and a bad taste in my mouth. ....
    The guilt is incredable ,, I have done a lot of fucked up shit in my life ,, I have learnt to live with the things I have done and although some things still way heavy on my mind , If asked I would say what is done is done ,, although I still have problems
    with a few things ,, but the most ill feelings still surround my children. ...

    So much has happend , I. ............... I ...............can't talk about and maybe I need to get some professional assistance to get past some of those issues???

    I can't deal with the thorts of where is dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Gawd ,,this was supposed to be a happy post today. ....

    Sorry people ,, that just sort of feelout and now I can't put it back ,,, useless , selfcenterd ,gready ,, pathetic figure of a father
    I have been ,,, I really understand the pressures of sepperation , children and the longing ,, the insanity of trying to repair
    things that can never be put back together .....the want and need to belong ,,, all the stuff I can't fix. ......

Comments

  1. charliecat
    I know it's hard but you gotta focus on the here and now..
    You can't change the past but you can control what happens from this day forward..
    Dwelling on past regrets as you know is about as self destructive as you can get...
    From this day forward make every day count with your boys because believe me they grow up so quick and before you know it they are teenagers and grown...enjoy and make every minute with them precious as they are only young for such a short time...and then you get...moodiness, argumentative, untidy...eat everything in the house....noise...schoolwork...boyfriends/girlfriends.... and of course parents know nothing cos they were never young...oh the joys of raising teenagers...You got it all to come...lol
    Don't miss another minute of it mate..take the lead..
    Could you not get them a mobile phone/dad phone or something so they know you are always available and they can call you at any time...
    They know you love them of course they do. They couldn't miss it as it shines through in your posts but don't miss an opportunity to tell and show them how much...

    What makes you think your not being a good dad anyway. are you being to hard on yourself because nothing you have said points to you having been a bad father which I'm sure you not...quite the opposite in fact..
    C
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