Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 118

By tryhard · Oct 2, 2014 · ·
  1. Today , I have decided , it is time .......
    I am not strong enuff today ,,, but I am again running out of room to move , for lack of a better way to describe what's going on ATM. ....

    I can not keep lying to myself ,,, well you know what I mean ,,,,, I have sucked myself back in to ...............gawd ,,,, using daily
    again ,, will I ever learn ,,,,,,, am I capable of change ,,,,,,, do I care enuff ,,, fucken hell I hate this. .....
    What is the other me thinking ,,, I hate ,,,, I hate him and I am more than shore he hates me just as much. ......

    I am very worryd about hartattack ,,, we have talked long about this and he does not want to quit ,, I don't think he can .....
    That is a big problem and I may ,,,, I ,,,,, I, ,,,,,,I don't fucking know ,,, I think I may have to leave ,,, fuck me ....... ...
    I am sitting here with him ATM talking about our adventures and all the shit we,s gotten up to ,,,, times of old ......

    This is so hard and I feel so sick,,,, I would give all to not be here right now,,,,,,,, but I am ,, so I will deal with this anyway I can can ATM. .........

Comments

  1. SoozyQ
    Hey Andrew,

    Getting professional help can't hurt, although you may need to try a couple to find one that suits you.

    With regards to your boys, honesty is best. You can be an example to them of never giving up and beating this addiction. Kids smell bullshit a mile off. Charlie's phone idea is a good one. You are not a bad Dad. I think lots of parent's beat themselves up when all we can do is our best.

    You really need to look out for yourself now. Moving away from those you know (hartattack) is gonna be hard but you need to give yourself a chance. Is there any residential rehab you could try? Seems to me like you need some time out from just surviving to digest what has happened to you. You know you can stop using heroin and hold down a job and be happy. What you need now is to learn coping strategies for when life turns to shit (which it will, there's always some crisis around the corner) so you don't revert to using again.

    More than anything, I believe, you need to learn to love yourself, good, bad and ugly. Don't beat yourself up, just accept yourself and your life as it is. You are a beautiful man, anyone reading your posts can see that. I'm sure if you found a counsellor who you are comfortable with, you would be able to work out ways to flourish.

    And try to have some fun. Can you organise to spend the day with your boys to go fishing or are they too far away? Even a phone call telling them you love them.

    Lots of love to you, Andrew. You have the strength to do this, and no matter what your addict brain says you are a good person, who deserves a bloody good life.

    Also, do not forget, when you are coming off opiates, emotions are all over the place. Try to ride out the downs. Your mind might be telling you how bad you are, all the mistakes you've made etc etc. Try to remember, this is part of the process but you don't have to believe every negative thought :) (if you know what I mean;) )

    Take care honey xxxxxxxxx
  2. marathonmel7
    Hey Tryhard! I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. There is no way you are a bad father. You can see the love you have for your children through all of your heartfelt posts. I know you love them. I think it's a great idea to get them a phone so that you can communicate with them regularly.

    I feel like you are fighting yourself internally. Use or don't use is always the question. WHy do you think you're falling into deep using again? I know you're soul searching right now and that's tough. I think you need the help of a professional still. I know i'm using one right now. I see a psychiatrist for my mental health and a drug counselor for my heroin usage. I suggest you get some help too. You deserve to feel better and to be better.

    I know you're struggling right now and that's ok cause we are all here for you. You have to keep fighting. Using is not the answer although I too, am suffering and I understand how hard it is. Reach out to those that can help you. Focus on work and your children. Take good care of yourself. I will be thinking of you.
  3. tryhard
    Going work is 4.00 morn ...
    no gear , trying to be good today ,, got 22 hrs at sea ....
    saturday and 12 sunday... full on ,, i feel good atm....

    so here gose ,, hope i dont fuck up......
    will post when i get back to land ....

    have a good one people.......

    Andrew , trying hard.........
  4. Rainmom
    You can do this! I can feel your pain through your words..wishing you strength and comfort!
  5. nikdqueex
    Hey tryhard, it's been a few days now, how's things going for you mate? Wishing you well champ! Cheer-i-o from a fellow Aussie!

    ________________________________

    Nurse me into sickness
    Nurse me back to health
    Endown me with what it is
    That I want in this world.

    Matt Johnson
  6. SoozyQ
    Andrew,

    How are you doing mate? Hopefully you've been getting some sleep after all that work. Just wanted to send my love and best wishes to you. You are a tough bugger, no doubt - 22 hours in one day, suppose most of that was working?

    xxxxxxxxx
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