Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 120

By tryhard · Oct 15, 2014 · ·
  1. A ,,, don't care today ,, moneys been found ,, the calls been made. ....
    Just going through the motions....

    Some days I feel that automatic switch on ,, then I no its all over! !!!!!!!
    Can't find myself ..... I laugh at my stupidity in the face of my pain. ......

    It hurts me bad but I ......well I just do it and deal with it later. ....
    I. .....my junkys working over time, , again I lol ,, but I really want to scream and yell ......
    I get so confused and although I am doing this to myself ,,the care factor fluctuates from the most powerful to the downrite
    Dangerously fucked up mental problems ,,, and all this I modify befor it comes out .......

    Fuck I get so upset sometimes ,,, I don't want anybody to see me cut up inside , so I change it all , most days ,, funny how I
    Can change for the sake of others around me or maybe to save myself from being found out. .....

    But I struggle so much to even want to help myself ,,, I have a good job and now this is going to be bad problem at work and is only going to make everything that much harder. ....


    The tears have no meaning anymore and feel part of that auto pilot senscation.... wtf ...
    How dumb do I feel ay. ......

    I am sorry to be a downer today but it is what it is. ... ...
    I am angery and upset , but I am surround by people and have no choice but to look and act the part and try to blend in ....lol

Comments

  1. missparkles
    Andrew, you were so determined the other day, what has changed from then and now? Would you like me to tel you? Money, having money, that's the difference between then and now. It's virtually impossible to need a hit of heroin when you have spare cash eating it's way through your pockets. I'll even bet that as soon as you got that money a thought went through you head, one very similar to this one "Well if I do feel bad and get really intense craving, if push comes to shove I can always score." That's exactly what I meant when I mentioned in an earlier post. Plus the fact you know that there's only one thing that an addict spends their money on, when they have money, because you worry that if you need to score and don't have any money you're buggered.

    Now that you've realised that having money is a massive trigger for you, you need to deal with it. I know myself in the past that if I decided to quit the fact that I had the money to buy more heroin the thoughts of quitting went right out of the window. So you need to find omeone that you trust to take care of your money for you, just giving you money when you need it, for gas maybe? And make sure that you get a receipt so that you can provide confirmation that you have actually bought gas. I know it makes you feel rotten when you have to do these kinda things, but just remember, is it silly to do something, deal with a trigger so that you can clean up? No, of course it's not. You do whatever it takes to quit, whatever.

    You have so many pages of info and advice I doubt that there's much more that anyone can tell you, so now it's down to you love. You've identified a few triggers that you can start to place some kinda safety net to catch you if you falter a little. But there are a few back doors that need closing to prevent you addiction creeping back on the sly. I know everyone will continue to be here for you to offer support but now you have to start using the info that you've been given. I know that you can do this love, I have so much faith in you. If you want to chat just message me, ok?

    Sparkles.
    :vibes:
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