Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 121

By tryhard · Oct 17, 2014 · ·
  1. Today I feel like nothing at all , I just want to fade away out of existance......
    I can not keep up with the life I was trying to fix. ...

    I just don't want to do any of this anymore ,, I have hidden my tears well today ,, but as I type this I can't stop them ,,, I don't care who sees me now, , I just don't care anymore! !!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel like I want to hurt myself again ,, I want to make myself suffer and hurt. .......
    I don't really understand why but money is a big problem ATM , so to now have a job ,, has made this all so much harder. .
    The more I try to do the right thing the more I get depressed. ....

    Now I feel as if I am fighting life it self ,,, this is just all to full on. .....

    I want to run more then ever .....

    Now I have a good job ,, work has never come to easy for me. ...
    I love this job and for once I feel that I can do a good job and I am DAM proud of the work I do ,,, I am the face of this company ,,,,this is a job I was born for , ask anyone that knows me and that's what they all say.....

    Why do I have to feel like this now ,, why now ,, why fucken now ,,, I don't understand WTF. ......
    Why would I let myself get in to this , like this ,,, I must really hate me. ...........

Comments

  1. missparkles
    I'm sorry to have to be the one to say this and although it's not what you wanna hear it's most definitely what you need to hear. Every time you have the option yo buy drugs/get high you seem to sink into this instant low mood/depression that gives you the excuse you feel that you need to go ahead and use. Then afterwards the guilt and shame set in setting up the next relapse of drug use. And although thee length of time that you use might not be classified as a relapse the amount of times this happens would put in the "relapse" class, in my opinion.

    You know that having money is a huge trigger, so why put yourself in this position, especially now that you've found what seems like your dream job. It's surprising how many people sabotage their own recovery, put so many problems in the way of their recovery that eventually they realise that they're just not ready to quit (for whatever reason) so could that be what' going on with you? There's absolutely no shame in admitting it as by doing so you remove a whole weight from off of your shoulders.

    As I mentioned in my previous post that every problem, scenario and solution to all/any of these issues has been given in the previous 14 pages, there really is no more that can be added, now it's down to you. By writing that you're depressed, feel like crying/are crying gives us no option other that to try to cheer you up, that just plays into the mood you're presenting to us, and it shuts us down as we feel guilty if we try to offer any constructive help. Fortunately I no longer do guilt trips.

    Now you've identified your triggers, having money seeming to be by far the biggest at the moment, so what are you gonna do about it? There must be someone who can keep it for you? Buy what you need and then donate the rest to DF, just for a month, by then you should be seeing some improvement in your addiction? Anyway it's up to you Tryhard, no one else can do it for you can they?

    Sparkles.
    XXX :vibes:

    Don't forget that if you continue using your boss and your workmates will know that you're using it will possibly end in you losing the best job that you've had for a long time, one you like and one that you're good at. Do you want that?
  2. Golddust Woman
    Dear Tryhard,

    So sorry to hear your feeling so bad. Miss Sparked is right. Heck, you are right. Money let's you use and go backwards with your life.You are a very self-sufficient man for now. But the years pass quickly and soon your health will fail and you bots to won't be able to work at all. Do you want your sons to be burdened with your care when they are trying to have marriages and children of their own?

    If you really think about this hard and be honest with yourself, that is where we are heading if we keep using these poisons. My ex is living this life now. He has lost. everything and lives off my mother and my son. Sad, by true. But this is not my journal it is yours. Please oh please don't do it. I can tell you are a strong and decent man and today is the rest of your life. Yesterday's are gone

    There is no changing yesterday. We can only choose today and the future. It took me a long time to realize this. I have finally idealized life is too short and have to fight my own demons too. We all can do this. I know you can do it. Love and hugs to you.
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