Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 123

By tryhard · Oct 27, 2014 · ·
  1. Well haven't had a second to ass scratch , so to speak...and this mornings shit fight for money to score is like the last straw. ..
    Went and seen my boys last night , haven't seen them for a while and the way I felt , when the older of the 2 came up to me and put his head on my shoulder , he snuggled in and I could feel the love ......

    Wow has me tearring up. ..
    So enuff is enuff , I just have to do this now. ......
    I can't stand the love lost , the love I have been running from all this time , I will do this , some how. ....

    I was worried about my job and fucking it all up , but I am doing that a bit at a time every day ......
    Seeing my kids has triggerd something! !!!!!
    I NEED to start doing so much more but I have held myself down for so long , I think we all know what holds us back. ..
    Am I ready to deal with myself yet , I mean for real ....
    Gawd I no I am over it , sick to fucken death of score, in ,, chasing ,, spending and the feeling of never being happy
    its not enough its never enuff ,, how unhappy we can make ourselves....

    I am over the feeling of wanting to hurt myself , I think that was a needing to change at any cost. ..
    I do understand why and how some people go to those extremes , now I need to learn how to get out of that/this headspace

Comments

  1. cren
    Hey thats really good Tryhard.
    Its important to have something inside you to make you want to stop.
    You need to learn to hold onto that feeling.
    I know you would of been through wds hhundreds of times already but its the search for that thing inside you that will keep you away from the shit, that you seem to be struggling to find, or to keep it once you have found it.
    You are not your past and its seems like you have been through so much. How much does embracing a new life daunt you? I have been following your thread and I hope that you can hold onto it now that you have found a small part of it you need to build on it. Just like how people say avoid temptation to not use you need to avoid depressing situations aswell and plan out your payday if thats a danger day for you.
    I love how honest your posts are. Please dont stop posting.
  2. missparkles
    ^^^ I totally agree with you Cren, it i about finding something good and holding onto that, and when things are going badly you bring out that good feeling and the reason that you have that good feeling and hold onto it tightly. I still think you desperately need to find someone (anyone that you trust) to hold onto your money on payday, and only allow you enough for legitimate reasons. For the first few weeks I'd get them to go along with me when I needed to buy anything, cuz I guarantee that if they give you money to buy toiletries and only enough for that you'll buy heroin and if needed beg, borrow or steal the toiletries. Desperate situations call for desperate measures...right. I know myself that (in the past) I'd buy the heroin sand THEN think about how to deal with the fallout that's gonna happen. So the time to think about it and finding someone to help you is now before the next time you get paid. This is the anticipation that I've spoken about in previous posts and in many, many threads. You have the strength to do this, love, I just know that you do, ok?

    Sparkles. :vibes:
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