Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 127

By tryhard · Nov 13, 2014 · ·
  1. Wow the way this trip works is just insane , and clear to see I am getting nowhere very quickly ,, as kindly pointed out in
    these last few pages of this thread. .....

    I have been struggling to keep my head above water for quite some time now and I am going under very slowly , some how
    I fail to be able to take action to stop this ,I can't keep one thort in my head for more than 5 minutes and I am stuck In an
    Endless loop of this lifestyle ....

    I have been using more than ever befor , I think subconsciously am trying to checkmate myself. ...paint myself in to this corner a little quicker ....I am isolating more and more , that good old feeling of wanting to run and hide , is with me again.

    NO I DON'T KNOW if I will ever be ready ,, some part of me still wants to fight on , wants to be somewhere , anywhere but here and the rest of me just dosent give a fuck if I OD today or next week. ....
    Mabey that's what the problem is as I just can't fight this as two people totaly wanting the opposite things. ......
    I have been feeling alot lately , that I wish someone would just come and get me and take me away , to show me a better way ,, fuck knows I am over it. ....

    How after all I have done and all I know , I can't come together as one to fight this , the unity is just not there ........
    Fuck I want to stop , some days I just wish for death to make this stop. .....
    how can this be so important and me not care enuff to do anything about it. .....

    Physicaly I feel I could do this backward and forward , getting stoned hangingout shit forever ,, BUT MENTALY I am shot. ....

    I .......have hit a wall , can't ..........don't want to typ anymore ,, feeling mood swing ,,,just pain all pain. ...gotta laydown........

    Andy. ................


  1. cren
    Your last post breaks my heart.
    I relate to it so much and it says so much about addiction and says it so well.
    I guess for me it was not about being ready but being aware that I will never be ready to quit and doing it anyway. Maybe its why I relapsed but there was no other way. I just knew that I had to quit. I know there is a part of you that feels that way too
  2. missparkles
    Andrew, I think everyone goes through that long cold and dark night of the soul when we feel so low, so fucked up we can get lost in the analysis of it all. If you're still feeling like this you must seek medical intervention, that way you will have someone who is there for you in real life anytime you need them. This is most important love. You see this isn't how it is really, it's most definitely not who you are, it's all part of that roller coaster of emotions that I've mentioned in the past many, many times. It's all part of the process sweetheart, but if it becomes intolerable then please get some help/support where you're located. Just because it happen doesn't mean that you have to endure it, does it?

    I've always found myself (personally) that my addiction usually gives me a fuck load of emotional shit in an attempt to get me to use, almost as if it' challenging you, forcing you to take so much pain so that you give in and relapse. I'll, at times, personalise my addiction, as by giving it a personality, a face and voice if you like, I can direct all of my strength and determination towards it. And that really does help, sweetheart. After all your addiction is a part of who you are at the moment. It controls your moods, it changes your perception of reality, and it enables (or allows) you to do what you believe you want to do. It's trying to convince you that you just can't deal with the pain you're feeling at the moment, without it.

    Can you see though what a fuckin' evil manipulating bastard addiction is?

    Now the way that I check it is that heroin/addiction only has the power that you give to it, power bestowed upon it due to the secretive nature of addiction and heroin use. My suggestion is that if you're not ready to quit then say so, there's no shame in trying but not being quite ready to quit. Or (if you really feel up to it) really quit. Either way by bringing it out into the open, shining a little light into that darkness, you're take back your power, taking control of the situation. You see I believe that you use up so much emotional energy (again my opinion) when you try to maintain control on these kind of thing, but once in the open the weight is lifted a little and you can use that valuable internal energy to get you to a more comfortable place that you're at now.

    I can read in your words, and in what you don't say, how much pain you're holding onto, but I also feel your strength, that feistyness you have, and others can see and feel it too. A lot of people may not realise this but you're taking that journey so that we don't have to. Does that make sense, love? All anyone has to do is read this whole thread and it's almost like we're taking this trip ourselves emotionally whilst you're doing it in real time. By getting into your mindset we're taking this journey without using, cuz when you use, all of those negative feelings that this thread illicits can be put away once we've finished reading the last post. You're still living it.

    So I'd like to thank you for doing this but also for being prepared to share it with us. You're a star Andrew.

  3. lostlygirl
    Where are you, my friend? Shit, mate, I'm so worried about you. :( Every time I log on I check to see if you have posted. Please just check in for 5 and let us know your ok?

    You are important, mate. You are important to me. I don't give a shit if we've never met, or if we ever meet, or that it's just an online forum, or whatever crap people throw out there to suggest these relationships aren't real. I don't give one flying fuck what they think....because I have met you in my soul, Andy, right in the heart, the part of you that connects deeply with another. The place that really matters.

    You are important to me. I feel you, I feel the beauty in your soul. I feel your pain, I feel your heartbreak, and I feel your despair.

    We become a part of each other on this forum. We share our innermost selves, our darkest parts, our imperfections and our pain. We share this journey through hell.

    When your not strong, when there is nothing in your life but pain, when its all black, lean on us. We'll hold you up. We'll walk with you, my friend. We will walk with you and dry your tears.

    Hugs, xxoo
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