Heroin - and now i think its my time at last - Part 130

By tryhard · Dec 2, 2014 · ·
  1. Fuck ,,,, I just don't know anything anymore. , I feel so much more detached than normal as I watch people , watch me as I
    walk around this shopping center car park and pick up cigaret butts , so I can use my tobacco rolling papers to roll up a butt
    Ciggy ,, can't bear this tobacco habbit. ...

    So as I look around and ask myself ,, I wonder if I was seen doing this , how many people would give me the time of day? ??
    Not that I really give 2 fucks , but the answer I would like to know! !!!

    I went and asked for some help yesterday and I ended up in a sycolajists office , arfter a long talk and many many questions
    asked from them ,, I have painted a sad picture of one who to avoid he's own truth ,, give everything all I have to others
    all my time and what knolage I have ,,,, only to find I have no one to help me! !!!!

    I am so down ATM ,for on that list is every one I know. .
    Even my new employer is just useing me , to do so much for nothing ,, normaly I just cop that as it gives me somewhere to hide
    physicaly , mentally and emotionly , so I suppose I have done this to myself! !!!!

    Now I need some help with a few things and you think I can get a hand , NO. ...
    So now I feel very alone , so alone in my own head , I find this so hard to deal with. ......

    A really good looking lady smiled at me the other day and man did it make me feel so sad! !!!!!!!

    It made me feel so ugly and so unatracktive , believe me when you are as good looking as I am ,, you don't need to use
    rocket science to work out that I am not going to win any awards for my look. ....

    Think I might leave my job , fuck fuck fuck , I just am not getting enough hrs ,, paying hrs to justify the non paying amount
    of work I do. .......fuck I love this job but it is becoming a big sorce of my on going deppretion...

    This decision is braking my hart ,, but I see no other way out .....

    So when I have registered my car I think I will take a bit of a walk about ,,, my compassation money has been finalized and is only days away ,, I am so worried that I will blow it all up my arm. ...

    My plan was to be clean by the time I got access to that money .....
    I have fucked all that right up and I need to make some life changing decisions !!!!

    I would like to go on a fishing holiday , maby Fraizer island for a bit , its the latest sand island in the world and only about a four hour drive north of me ....
    Four wheel drive heaven and is world heritage listed ,, also a fishing hot spot for the adventurus fisho!!!!

    So much is going on in my head , wow , this is kind of hard to deal with ....
    Do I get a place to live , Bond and a new lease that I know same well , that if I am not clean , I will just fuck it up as I always
    have done in the past ,,, worry , worry ,, worry. ..

    Good points ..,, I can have access to my boys and a stable platform to start from. ....
    I have never completed a full rental agreement in my life , only made shit worse and always end up owing money .....
    I find no security in this and has always been a constant sorce of more ongoing depressive moods. ..

    I long for a bed and clean sheets a fridge and just some where to go ,, so when I want to just be on my own I can. ...
    I have just about worm out the longing for morality , the thing most take for granted are only dreams and all seem to be
    only wants and not needs ,,,, a washing machine a TV a shower ,,, gawd why have I done this to myself and my children..........

    Mota 16 ,, I welcome you to this thread ,,, PLEASE , PLEASE , I BEG YOU TO DO SOMETHING ,,, YOU MUST MATE , YOU HAVE TO ,,,, YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING SOON ,,,, I CRY FOR YOU AS I TYPE THIS ,, YET ANOTHERONE WHO FOLLOWS MY LIFE OF TORMENT , SHAME AND TORTURE ,,,, WHY WHY I SCREAM OUT , WHY. ...

    DO SOMETHING , DO ANYTHING , STOP THIS NOW MATE YOU CAN ONLY MAKE IT WORSE. ....
    I BEG YOU AGAIN TO NOT FOLLOW ME IN TO THE PURE HELL THAT LIES AHEAD. ....
    MATE I DON'T KNOW YOUR STORY BUT YOU HAVE READ MINE AND THERE IS NOTHING GOOD DOWN THIS PATH. ....

    I CAN NOT STOP YOU USING , ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT BUT WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU READ MY STORY???????????????

Comments

  1. mota16
    Hello TryHard

    I feel bad seeing that i´m so lucky to have the things you don´t and could help you. But that doesn´t seem to help me, not in the past, not today... addiction is a bitch.

    I know what you mean in your work, but you need to work. I too work so hard, but i´m so badly payed. and see anothers doing nothing and get the double of you. but we have to earn money.

    Priorities first... we have to get clean.

    I understand what you mean, i don´t wanna down road more in this road. and that´s what happening to me. i´m loosing it.

    Today is the day i inducted subutex... again! I´m gonna start a thread, because i need help on the time to stick to it.

    My head is such a confusion. i´m sorry i can´t help you today a little more, but please don´t give up. i´m too in a 20 years addiction, and what keeps me going is that i know we are always learning, people that with our time and more, are now clean and sober, and first of all, deep inside, i know i will beat this bitch one day. i already did it for a years, relapsed anothers, but i feel next time, whith what i´ve learned meanwile, i´m gonna make it!

    You have to give time to heal and get stronger the next time you get clean. 3 months is the least we have to pay to start feeling better(brain and emotions).

    Stay strong and i hope you get some help from someone. alone is very hard... cheers
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