Heroin. Playing a game of chess in my head.. - Part 73

By Jels · Aug 14, 2014 · ·
  1. Hey everyone,
    To answer some questions real quick, my mom is back to drinking vodka... She started the night of my bday and was an emotional reck when I was leaving, my brother informed me she's been drinking heavily again.
    I tried talking to her today and she said she was fine but I know she is struggling.

    For me I'm struggling as well clean days then relapse days. Drama started this morning when te bf called me out on it. I need to stop crewing around and stay on track just bc I stay sober for a couple weeks doesn't mean I have the right to throw it all away on a couple days of using.
    So I'm really going to stop. I know things will be bad before good karma always comes back to me.
    I'm staying on the subutex.
    I need to stay on a positive track and I will.
    Other than that I'm trying not to pity party myself too much


  1. marathonmel7
    Hey Jels, I completely know how you're feeling right now. I am clean then I relapse, clean then relapse, and repeat. It's so hard to take that last leap. I am feeling it right now as I have about a day and a half clean. I'm just sweating it out at work though and it seems to be working. i just stay busy in order to escape the pain. If you need to stay on the subs then so be it. I wish I had something like that sometimes but I am not about to get wrapped up in all that. I don't want to have to detox from subs or methadone. I've done both and they are miserable. So you probably feel stuck huh? It's either use or subs. I get that. Try and focus on the prize though. You have a lot to lose now with that new job and you've had the trust of your boyfriend now for awhile in that he knows you can stay sober. So, try and remain that way if you can. I know, easier said than done. But, he needs to have a partner that's sober just like you have needs from him as well. Be strong and say no! I will too.

    It's like after work I feel like I should reward myself with a little shot to relax and dull my aching pain in my back and legs. It's so hard to say no.

    I'm sorry to hear your Mom is back at the bottle. SOunds like she is miserable. That's the only way one can drink so much. Does she ever get hangovers? I know if I drink a little bit I feel like complete shit the next day. That can't be good for her liver. My father is an alcoholic so I know how you feel. Although he is a functioning alcoholic. I've never seen him have a mental breakdown but I have seen him drunk, dizzy and slap happy. it's not a pleasant sight either way. My father has health problems too. I am worried about his drinking. He's been at it all his life and he's 61 now.

    ANywyas, enough about me. Take good care of yourself. Throw yourself into your work. I find that it helps so much. Stay busy and keep your mind out of the gutter. If you have to resort to subs then so be it. Just stay clean and I will try and do the same. We can do this together.

    You've got my support so keep going forward. Stay true to those you love and rock on!
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