Heroin. Playing a game of chess in my head.. - Part 74

By Jels · Aug 16, 2014 · ·
  1. That means tons Mel, you are completely right about everything ...
    I am kicking myself I feel SO stupid this is ridiculous if you read my whole journal it's basically the same Scenario but different events that happen and I end up HERE. Back to step one, like the craziest of craziest cycles. I must get a grip and stop this madness it's starting to become unreal specially having it written down ...
    It's like I'm afraid to have GOOD things happen in my life , does that make any sense??


  1. curiousonlooker
    You make perfect sense. I've always found the psychological aspect of addiction, to not only drugs but all addictions, to be the most difficult part of all to get over, because somehow the new can't be better than the old way we were living, otherwise wouldn't we have done it sooner? I don't know if it's guilt and shame and anger with ourselves and life choices that make us AFRAID OF THE GOOD THINGS... why do you think we are afraid of the good life? We somehow convince ourselves we need it, we can't have fun without it, as the time in our days, and our choice to have a good day or not, unconsciously revolves around our supply and the time in which we have to enjoy our fix. That's my preliminary answer...

    I've learned the most about addiction in myself, oddly enough, from cigarettes. I recently quit smoking cigarettes after 12 years of smoking, 6 years of being a 1-2+ pack a day smoker. It's amazing how ingrained ciggies had become in my life and how I view myself. I realized I didn’t really know what to do with myself, my life direction, and that I’d reached the end of what I could do in my current lifestyle and mindset, without changing what I did with my time and therefore my direction, and I didn't know how or what to change in my life or with myself.

    I did know, I no longer liked my addictions affect on myself. I became anxious from always thinking I needed a cigarette, whether I actually wanted one or not. My gums would become inflamed regularly, I knew it was due to smoking, but I kept convincing myself I needed the cigarette or I'd get sick and my gums would definitely become inflamed from detox AND my body would hurt…it started to really effect my reasoning, as I would twist the logic around to convince myself I needed to smoke, and I began to see the same patterns of reasoning in other areas of my life. Cigarettes now controlled me, and I barely enjoyed them anymore, but still loved the social affect of sitting apart at a bar or party, with whomever I pleased, away from the mob, smoking cigarette after cigarette.I knew the patterns of reasoning had to go, because I realized that I kept twisting my logic around so I had to let smoking go if I wanted to progress inside of myself, without further corrupting my sense of logic and reality.

    This has been a very difficult way to quit, but feels the most rewarding of all the times I’ve quit before, as I struggled with crazy cravings everyday for weeks, but felt, and still feel as if I’m learning about myself everyday. it's like all my issues with my dad, any social awkwardness, religion, and class issues became tied up with my smoking, and to quit smoking I'd have to confront those issues without any crutch. I'm now 4 weeks without and only crave occasionally, but am only beginning to be able to confront the above issues. It’s weird, but I feel I can dream and think again as myself, I never thought cigarettes could effect me to the point of holding me back from dreams, as they don't alter perception, reality, or make me unable to operate any machinery, lose coordination, or anything, but psychologically they've ravaged me. I allowed that to happen, and worked out to become and stay a smoker as well, and that’s addiction, it dictates what normal and healthy is, and in doing so you twist your head around to follow the addiction wherever. It seems so odd to be talking about cigarettes in your journal, but I thought it relevant to your question about the GOOD.

    By the way, I think you're actually doing well. Your head sounds clearer, and I still think you're amazing for wanting to be clean so bad on your birthday AND following through. You are asking real life questions, and trying to change your patterns of behavior.
  2. SoozyQ
    Hey Jels,

    Just wondering how you are going? I think of you often. I hope you are stringing some clean days together.

    You have come a long way. If I had written my journey starting 20 years ago it would have sounded just as, if not more, crazy. Just concentrate on how far you've come and keep fighting :D

    love and hugs xxxxx
  3. BitterSweet
    Hey Jels :) I'm always rooting for you, and you've proved time and again that you are capable of anything, you're smart, good-hearted and seem to try to take on the best attitude possible in light of the downs that come in life. Shall I assume you haven't really updated because of your no laptop/broken phone screen issue? Or that you are entirely consumed by emotions right now and may be isolating yourself? Or you've lapsed and afraid to come back on here in the mean time? If you did lapse, know that no one is judging you, and you've already shown how strong you are by all that you've already accomplished. You might feel like all this praise is out of place and that had we known you in the past, you would have been a completely different person (that's how I feel sometimes, when I receive a compliment and I am thinking "if only you knew what my past was like and how immature and irresponsible I was!"; your praise by us is not out of place, because although we may not have known you in former times, we see the real person you are, which is a person drug-free. I personally feel like I've been doing drugs for so long that I don't know what I am underneath it all. The drugs help me escape from my identity, due to a lack of love for myself and poor self-esteem, but eventually one loses all sense of identity. So getting sober after long-term and heavy drug use is more than just physically quitting the drug, it's about destructing your drug life, bit by bit, and constructing a new life, bit by bit... and you show that you understand that, because you did the important things for a healthy life such as finding a job, dealing with family matters, working on your relationship, looking after your bills, reaching out to others for support (such as coming to DF), learning to enjoy things where the harder you work for them the more joy you get out of it...

    I'm sure this was all hidden by your drug use, and didn't spring up over night, but still, you subconsciously knew you had it in you, and proved that by going after your goals... and tripping up on the journey to recovery is something I think all addicts are familiar with; sometimes it takes longer for one person to get back on track compared to another person (considering that maybe even such persons won't get back on track at all), but I am confident that you are the type of person who will bounce back from any struggles you are going through.

    Right now I am tapering off opiates (oral morphine, and dilaudid insufflated), and my progress has been damn slow; I've reduced my dilaudid use by 2/3, but that took months and months, and honestly I became lazy about the whole thing and disregarded even caring about a timeline. On many occasions I'll use more than my daily amount and by the last day of the week before a refill end up in mild withdrawals because I've left myself hardly anything; so you can see why in my eyes, you are extremely awesome in kicking your habit, regardless of how long it took you or how many failed attempts you had in the past (if any).

    You mention that it's like you like to have things not good in your life, like self-sabotaging. I can really relate to this, and actually started reading a book called "addicted to unhappiness), I'm reading it on my Kobo reader (e-readers are friggin' awesome!); I can send you the book if you like, in PDF format or EPUB (the file type used on Kobo readers), but you can use a program called Calibre E-Book Management, which lets you read EPUB books on your computer, and you can also use it to turn one file's format into many other formats.
  4. Jels
    Hey everyone sorry haven't been posting much, iv been working so mch I'm just exhausted not he end of the day, plus the not having a legitimate computer so typing is just a pain in the ass on my cell phone, but I must get back Into my routine ..
  5. Loveluck29
    Hi jels, thanks for checking in :) it's good to hear that all is well and you are doing well in real life :) keep up the great work, we will look forward to an update!
  6. marathonmel7
    Good to hear from you Jels. Glad you're doing ok. I too am working my butt off. No day off as of yet since I started with the company. Anyways, keep us updated. Take good care of yourself and keep on keeping on.
  7. Once.up.on.a.time
    Hey sweetheart

    I want to leave you some love. A massive hug. And some magic fairy dust, it's in a clear glass tiny vile with a pinko cork in the top, the contents are pink and silver but glowing with magic.

    They are a special gift for you, what ever you need is in there, strength when your weak, a hug and a smile for when your down. A warm content happy feeling for when you need it. Anything you can imagine.

    Just close your eyes and imagine opening the vial and taking a pinch, hold it close to you and think in your mind and in your heart what you need it to give you for that day. Then sprinkle it all over you. And the fairy dust will do its magic.

    It's all about what you believe, let the imagery make you believe no matter what you need healing, that it is healed and you are strong and the day will be a good one :)

    There is so much love and support here for you girl, this fairy princess is always watching and sending her magic your way.

    To be let near the animals is beyond amazing they must be so very impressed with you, let good happen.

    Your right you feel you don't deserve good things, why you, why does Jels deserve good things, she's a drug addict, can't be trusted, hurts people. Am I right that this subconsciously is still how you see yourself.

    Let it go sweetheart, you need to rip open the old negativity and see it back up properly, imagine the vial giving you the most beautiful shimmering gold glowing thread, with little slashes of pink. Use that thread, it's who you are now.

    The strong, brave, selfless woman. Who looks after her mother and loves her without condition. The smart woman who has a job she loves and is using her intelligence the right way.

    The beautiful woman who loves animals, who is gentle and loving, to her own and others. The wonderful partner who loves her other half deeply and would do anything for his happiness.

    The amazingly special sister, who worries for her brother and comes to his rescue after just a request. Which to do so means putting her sobriety at risk driving past her dealers. But your the amazing woman who does it anyway.

    That's just the beginning I could go on, but that's what's in that thread to help you close away the thoughts of what you once were, with the amazing things you are.

    There will be scars which take longer and are dealer, but use your vial whenever you need it. You am think I'm crazy but if you can picture it and imagine it, it really will heal you. Keep it a constant it's floating beside you at all times, whenever you need strength, courage, love. My gift is there.

    Anyway how are you Hun? Let your fan club know soon :)

    Much Love

    Fairy Princess xxxxx
  8. BitterSweet
    Sending good vibes but have a feeling this isn't one of those times where no news is good news. :/
  9. marathonmel7
    Hey Jels, just wondering how you're doing? We haven't heard from you for awhile. Hope things are ok, your family is good and your job is good. Update us when you can.
  10. softsins
    jels, you have no idea how much i feel like i relate with you. being a young heroin addict girl is the biggest mindfuck, especially when you remember how vivacious you were when you never using, but the feeling of the needle sometimes feels even better than the hug of a loved one, especially when you're a sensitive girl in an emotionally low state.
    look how much strength you summoned when you most recently stayed clean. i was reading your journal, knowing i needed to get off my iv habit when i returned to school in the fall and feeling so much weaker in determination than you were. but luckily, when i forcefully cold turkeyed, a wonderful thing happened. my school counselor checked me into a dual-diagnosis clinic. i learned that even though my mind can be a dark, trapping place, heroin only masks your fears. it doesn't address them, and whatever is depressing you will continue to take you back to those dark places. in fact, out of all the relationships in your life, your relationship with heroin is the only one who doesn't give a shit about you. heroin doesn't care that you're a young beautiful girl with a bright and limitless future. heroin wants you to feel dirty about yourself, and feel unable to weild life's sword in your own hands, and wants to degrade you so you keep climbing back to him. why would any girl want to stay with a devil like that?
    weed is a miracle drug to me too. i'm still physically weak at 9 days sober but i've been smoking and thinking about how happy i will be to not have a monster riding my back telling me i'm such a hopeless and vile person. as a fellow young girl, i've seen some magnificent girls turn into shadows of heroin, or dead. i empathize with you so much, and want you to summon all the hope and strength within you to live a natural endorphined life : ) i know what it's like to just fiend for heroin, but think about how happy you were on your sober birthday! i believe in you!
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