In a nutshell, I'm Addicted to- but not limited to- pills, meth, alcohol and FOOD! Pick one! Or all if it's convenient and available I have proven I will do it.
I am 29 and also a new mother and wife. I could be your daughter. Your sister. Your best friend. You wouldn't know that. Because I live in secrecy of my addictions.
I don't know how I became this way. I grew up in a house with addiction. I resented my mother for allowing the use in our home and hated every bit of the drug life. But that was back then...
Back then, if someone would have asked me to descrjbe what a drug user looked like.. I would have started with, "People that shoot up dope, they're junkies.. They are Bums. Oh, and Dirty people." (I imagine trailer park.) Not my own blood. Not my family.
Well, I was 14 yrs old when I was officially culture shocked into the lifestyle of drugs. 2 of my siblings (6 total) were outed as users. Not in a way, of shock. But in a matter of fact way from my own mothers mouth after I found a spoon in my bedroom bent to hell. We were to deal with it. It was a disease...
......... And life went on.
But my life changed. My role as little sister became unwillingly a sibling 1's right hand gal... I was asked daily to lend money- it would be stolen anyways, give rides to pick "something" up- if I protested it always ended with a belittling rant on what a spoiled bitch I was or if I told my mom she would just confront him and he'd deny it. She'd drop it.... And then he would call me a snitch. Nothing ever was done. My parents accepted his use as a disease. There was not one time I saw any repercussions given after I would beg my parents to do something. SOMETHING! well, It didn't matter! I thought universal logic would be to stop enabling a 40 yr old and kick him out or try to get him help. Nope, my parents turned a blind eye and I started to use his drug use against my parents, as an excuse to do- whatever I wanted. If he could shoot up... Shit, I can stay out all night! What are my parents going to say?? Nothing. They couldn't. I found it to be a stress releaser arguing with my parents. Letting my mom know she couldn't do shit about it and letting her know she was to blame for allowing drugs in the house.. . I made sure she knew she was to blame too. I justified whatever I did by comparing it to sibling 1s addiction. I didn't look so bad drinking every weekend when he was shooting up! And every high-school kid drinks, right? I knew I would never be like my siblings (user) or my mother(enabler). Oh the irony.
In an argument, My mother would ask, "You wanna be like your brother, huh?? HUH??? A FRICKEN JUNKIE YOUR WHOLE LIFE?? in which I would always think... I know that if I did, you wouldn't do anything about it.
Turns out, I wasn't the only one hiding behind Sibling 1's drug addiction. Within a year, Sibling 2 let out he was using too...with his wife and they had a 2 yr old son- My nephew. Now, as a family, we did not see this coming. And we were not the slightest bit prepared. It was very tramatic for me personally because I was so close to my nephew. I felt so bad for him. How could parents choose to use drugs when they have a 2yr old!? I could not understand that. Sibling 2 ended up in jail and his wife fled town. Again, how could abandoned her child, her grandma raised her, so she should know how horrible that is. I mean, How could she do that?? Any MOTHER do that? I couldn't find an answer that made sense. I was positive her and my siblings were just shitty people. Pre-wired that way. Selfish addicts that were oblivious to actual reality.
(((As I type this, the irony fills my head with heat. I want to explode. I want to know how the fuck I became exactly like the people I once despised? How does that happen?)))
Fuck, anyway... Sibling 2 went to prison and then to Rehab and got his shit together. Today, they are all 3 back as a family and they're doing great. Not Sibling 1... he is still using and has contracted a terminal disease from it. His choice is to keep shooting up and I've excepted that. I see from both siblings what my life can turn out to be. I can be successful in life with my sobriety and start a new beginning or I could keep this going and end up dead..
I want so bad to just become a total different person. I do not like myself. It's obvious. I don't get why though. I feed off of negative impact. My brain usually will prepare me for the worst scenario. Whether it's alcohol, binge eating, or drugs- I am always prepared to handle anything. Knowing I can rely on my habits and have complete control of what I'm going to do next. Planning is absolutely crucial to me. The time spent in planning and justifying my day with these habits is ridiculous. My day revolves around me, myself, and I. What am I going to do next to get thru the day. To not be sober. I know it'll be one of those 3...
Is that the draw? The outcome of my actions, knowing it will result in self destructiveness and failure, can be predicted fairly easy. Am I drawn to this because I get satisfaction from planning and executing? Or am I just thriving in my own negative head space using these habits to confirm my inadequacy? Kind of like, "See. I knew I would use again. I always do. I am ashamed, I feel like a failure, I am pre-wired different. I am a junkie. I'll never stop.... Blah blah" and repeat until tomorrow.
I don't understand myself.
I don't understand how a MOTHER could choose a drug over her child! A mother loves their child more than anything.... A mother would take a bullet for her child. I would most certainly. I know this is true. Yet, because I'm not faced with a fight or flight situation to choose life or death, I find it impossible to resist something that WILL destroy my life? I'd kill for my child, but I can not stop using a drug ??
How did I become this person.
I wish someone could answer me.
I always find a way to fuck it up. But now I'm accountable for another person's life. Not just my own anymore to fuck up. I hope I can come back with a positive ending to my story. If you made it through all of this, then....
I thank you.