Doing this for myself
I'm still actively using. Haven't gone more than 48 hours without an opiate in 2 years. But this week, after countless weeks of playing with the idea of recovery.. I'm ready. I don't know where this road will lead. My boyfriend and I are active users. He's not on the same page as me, and isn't ready to go see a doctor.. But I am.
I work a full time job, one that I don't know if I can get away from to do inpatient. I still catch myself feeling like I'm not "addicted enough" for an actual rehab center, but I know that thinking like that will just bring me back to square one.
I don't think I have the courage to go tonight.. but tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to the doctor. I've left another post asking for advice about this part because despite all my research, I still don't quite understand how to take the first step into recovery. I'm too ashamed to see my normal doctor, and I don't even know what sort of doctor to see about this sort of thing. I'm hoping that I can just go to the emergency room one night after work, and that the on-call doctor can prescribe me with Clonidine.. because if I have to wait for an actual appointment for a week or more, I know I'll end up either dead or in this same boat. I wish I could do an inpatient but as long as I can find an outpatient NA or something of the sort, I know I'll be okay.
I wish my boyfriend was in the same boat. We've been together 6 years and just purchased our first home. But I know that he'll have a change of heart when I take the first step. He's just as afraid as I am. Even if it means giving up my relationship, I know that I need to do this. I'm sick of the dark days, planning my life around when I can get my next line, trying to hide my dry, powdered nose and having no energy with or without the pills.
I've let myself stay lost in the dark, now I just need to find which direction the light is in)
(Not posting this for advice necessarily.. just posting this to hold myself accountable during this time)