When I started this journal I was ready to quit.
I had outgrown my addiction.
When I got ptsd I had triggers.
I started to recognise this and stopped abusing to cope with it and practised the techniques the psychologist told me about to help me cope with ptsd.
I only used to fend off withdrawals and for pain.
I got my self control back. I felt like I was getting stronger.
So why the fuck did I slip up today?
I had an oxy tramadol codeine bender. I promised myself I would be a good pain patient and not do that.
I didnt enjoy it all I thought of was that I was undoing my hard work and that I am a failure and will never be opaite free.
I think seeing my friend today triggered me. She is successful and has a good life and and not a total fuck up like me and she was asking me about the cause of my ptsd and I knew she could never understand and came home and got wasted.
Now it is wearing off and I am so depressed. I know I am not the first person in the world to try and get a grip of opiates but I am just disappointed because I was starting to trust myself again because I had been good and I thought my mental health was getting better.
I am so disappointed in myself. I have had this disappointment before and its what I used to become a controll freak and taper slowly and doing that made me feel strong without having to quit, but all I have is the self loathing without the control. I don't like that about where I am at. Its makes it to easy to go backwards. The drugs are wearing off and I am having panic attacks and cant sleep now so I need more.