I am so, so sick and fucking TIRED of it all!

By IMustHeal · Dec 27, 2017 · ·
  1. I fear I'll never feel like a normal human being again, never ever ever. I'm frightened fucking sick. I am sick of myself.
    I don't feel strong anymore. I've been going in and out of sobriety every other day and the drugs always fucking win. My longest sobriety streak was only ever 12 days. I'll start feeling a lot better and then suddenly BAM, the stress and depression whispers to me, "Hey, take just one pill, you'll feel soooooooo much better!"
    I don't understand. The painful withdrawals will be over at last, and for some reason it's then that the temptation takes a huge bite out of your concentration!!! I'm feeling alright, why would I feel I need a pill? And it's never just one, it's always a binge. It start off as just one.... and then it turns into, "Oh, you had one, one more won't hurt." Then the next day. "Oh you had two, a third one won't be a big difference at all!" Then before you know it.... I'm eating two Percocets a day for the past week! And dreading the withdrawal I just stirred up.
    I hate it.... I hate.... I hate me. I just fucking HATE everything!
    I could be trying to do my favorite things, and the thought of how much better it would be high just SCREAMS like a loud static in my brain, making it legitimately impossible to enjoy ANYTHING without the high. Even the simplest thing as watching a very good show or movie is difficult for me to complete.
    I'll have something to look forward to like a fun family event or party, but still, when the event finally arrives and I'm there supposed to be enjoying myself.... I'm just constantly thinking about the god damn pills! UGH. I can't fucking stand it anymore!
    I hate winter, I hate dark cold nights. I have no family to lean on. My father's death anniversary is approaching, and I'm still shook hard as hell from losing him just a year ago. I've been robbed recently, my car has broke, my wallet empty. I'm a degenerate with nothing to show for. I use to be going somewhere, I was an artist. Now I can't get the motivation to walk across the room let alone draw a picture.
    None of the things that use to interest me work at all anymore. I can't stay in a video game for 3 minutes without losing interest and just drowning in the overbearing screaming my mind does for the pills.
    On and off I go on the pills. Clean for a week, binge for a week. I sweat and go through unbearable cold chills all night long. I got night anxiety now. Aches every single day. Half this shit would be bearable if I could just distract myself!
    I've tried putting my family member's pills in a safe and giving them the key, but it's so damn easy to still get into the safe. Just gotta wait till they have a bathroom break or a shower, or wait till they walk out the door for a minute and I can easily take a pill or two at a time without anyone noticing. That is until the end of the month...
    They know I have an issue too. We've tried so many things to keep me out of their pills. But god damn it.... the fucking urge ride my very body to betray myself. After I take the pill, all guilt and anxiety melts away, for just two hours. Two god damn hours. And then I'm right back where I was. MASSIVE DEPRESSION. And terribly disturbed all day every day. I hate feeling this way, I hate it so damn much. Especially on top of all the horrible luck I've had, terrible things happening to me all year long.
    I'll be absolutely honest.... I think about how I'd be better off dead, Every. Fucking. Day.
    When the pill wears off, I just want to die. Not so much because of the pain, which is part of it. But the EXTREME mental pain, the depression, and the CRUSHING guilt. Oh god the guilt.... it goes away with the delicious euphoria upon eating the damned pill. But when it wears off..... the depression SMASHES me 10x harder. This pills are the only thing that have ever made me enjoy life, made me not feel like a goddamn corpse. The only thing that made my lifelong depression feel CURED!
    I had a terrible upbringing.
    And I went through psychologists, and anti depression meds. They were all laughably ineffective. None affected my brain. But the narcotics temporarily cured it. It's so damn unfair..... so unfair that it helps me and yet destroys me..... I have no business taking these narcotics. I don't even have chronic pain. But when I go without I do cause myself physical withdrawal pain.
    I wish my dad never gave a pill to me. I would have never known they cured my depression and anxiety. Now it's so much worse. The mental pain I am inflicting on myself by going on and off the pills, hating myself for going back into binges.... constantly suffering from mental conflict. I hate it I hate it I hate it. My brain feels like its on FIRE. I just want it to fucking STOP! The physical withdrawal has fucking NOTHING on what it does do your poor brain. What few endorphins my brain did make on it's own are now completely absent.
    Simply laying down and trying to enjoy just being safe in bed home from work is MISERY!!!! WHY?! I'm not even in any real pain.... I mean... there is withdrawal uncomfortableness, but I don't have a broken fucking bone. Why am I MISERABLE when sitting in a hot tun with lavender bath salts... or laying in bed watching favorite show? Why am I shaking and sweating, and feeling like I want to FLY out of my covers at 4am? I even tried doing weed to take the edge off of withdrawal anxiety and it worked for a little while but now that is laughably ineffective too! I can't win.... I'm fucked. I fucked up too many times.

    And to hear that many people still don't have their natural endorphins back months and even years after quitting the pills..... that makes me lose all hope....
    It's the most unbearable part for me. I'd rather take a broken arm.... I swear on everything I love. I'd rather take physical pain than this DREADFUL feeling that I will always be disinterested in everything I ever loved, always on edge, never sleep right again, and constantly in a fight or flight type of sensation. I'd pay thousands of dollars just to get my motivation back.
    The only thing that slightly helps is going to work. Only then do I sort of not think too hard about the anxiousness and depression of not having the endorphin making pills.
    I'm eating supplements religious, eating good food, drinking water, trying to take care of myself and surround myself in things I use to like. But it's all losing its effectiveness more and more each day, or not helping at all. Death is more and more looking like the only way out.

    I hate.

    I hate.

    I hate........

    I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to be a slave to pills anymore.
    But I also don't want to be a sack of black, toxic, depression anymore. I shouldn't feel like I'm about to get in a life or death fight everytime I'm alone in a room! For real. When I'm alone for even a moment.... I feel like DOOM is going to befall me at any second. Like a fucking murder is chasing me. Its fucking TORTURE!
    You can ignore pain...... but you can never ignore your own SCREECHING BRAIN.

    I just want to not feel like I'm drowning when I lay down in bed, or sit at home. Please..... This is literal HELL.
    Life isn't worth living if I find pleasure in NOTHING. NOTHING!!!!
    It took me a month just to finally write this, suffering the entire time with on and off binging. I'm so depressed and anxious I couldn't dare put aside to write this out. Usually I spend my nights fruitlessly TRYING to drown out the screaming in my head with YouTube videos. I loathe the idea of having to focus on anything.

    My brain is 20 television shows at once, all beyond max volume. It is a gymnasium sized room stacked full of screaming babies. It is sitting in a sauna that's far too hot, and not being able to escape. It it being forced to eat bread every day and nothing interesting. It is a frightened mouse trapped in a box, surrounded by hungry stray cats. It is a man about to fall off of a 80 story skyscraper, beyond his control. It's a world of constant painful memories, bad luck, and eyes that only see in greyscale with no color.
    That is the most accurate description for my mind.... right now. The way it has been for the past year since I began using. I was depressed and anxious before, I had diagnosed extreme anxiety and depression. The narcotics 'cured' it. But as soon as it wears off...... I.... there just simply are not powerful enough words to describe it.

    It's hell. I am in fucking hell. I'm in hell within my own soft, warm, safe bedroom....
    If I'm not comfortable in my own bed everyday..... what hope do I have?
    What infuriates me the most is.... What in the FUCK do I have to be depressed about?!?!?!?! WHAT!?!?! It's so infuriating, so confusing! My brain chemicals are fucking DASHED! DESTROYED!

    About Author

    IMustHeal
    I am a 24 year old aspiring artist. I want to get my life back together.
    Abbey Lee likes this.

Comments

  1. Friend4u
    Well at least you're not in jail or prison for years on end, but perhaps that would be a sobering awakening.
    1. IMustHeal
      I don't see how this is supportive at all.
      Yes, jail would be a sobering awakening, but I'd rather not have my mental and physical essence completely drained, and life tarnished before I stop.
      I believe I am at my worst I ever been now. And I believe that's important to any addict. It doesn't have to get worse to be a problem already. I want to, and need to recover before I get to that point. I'm already at my wits end.
  2. mota16
    I can relate exacly what you said, but in street heroin. But, please, dont forget this. you are 24 years old. I´m 40...
    Don´t loose hope, and you have to do something for yourself. Please, dont go on another drugs, like methadone or subutex or another pill. Go to rehab, a community, but with conscience and promissing to yourself that you only get out when you are 100% good. Suffer what you have to suffer in there. Don´t loose what i have lost, because of stuborn and denial... now i´m here, without more oportunities right away. But i know the next time, i will grab it like its the last thing i do on this earth. I want my heart back, you all now what im talking about, what opioids take away from us, music, a bath, sex, family. We are in the path of beeing nothing. we just survive. you are 24!! grab it my friend! maybe not this weak, but get help, from your family, if you can, or what else. But only when you say to yourself " this time, im gonna leave rehab, only when my heart is my heart again, mo matter what i suffer! We suffer every day annyway... love to you, you are not alone!
  3. torn2bits
    Your situation is very common, at 10-16 days I still felt rough REALLY rough and no energy or positive thoughts.
    There's something to it around the actual 6 week mark once I could sleep without a supliment, that was a turning point to me.
    Look at this as smaller positive steps like I.E.
    4 days in your stomach is a lil better.
    Slept 30 minutes 4 times in 24 hours, that's something I couldn't do.
    Fewer hot/cold sweats.
    At 5ish days I could start to eat small amounts of decent protien, that helped.
    Roughly 7 days I stopped feeling nauseous at the drop of a hat.

    So smaller accomplishments are being made, that's progress and it'll just get better, if you don't pick up a pill.

    There's a hump each person hits, this sends the mind into a frenzy.
    Some call it craving,I don't.
    I believe after the opiate effects the hormone system of the user, and us the ONLY WAY to lesson symptoms,the brain tries to fool the body into thinking it must do what's logical, taking a pill...after all it's been helping, ya know?
    Then your stuck on the shit again...
    Head up, mind focused you could take a pill and feel better,or abstain and actually pull off quitting.
    I'm hoping your strength of mind holds up, it's all it takes.
    Best to you `ToRn
      IMustHeal and Abbey Lee like this.
  4. Abbey Lee
    In 2012 I came off 80mg/day oxycodone and about 10mg/day nitrazepam cold turkey. From what I’ve been reading here (on the forum), that is a “moderate” drug habit. Still, I didn’t sleep a wink for 7 days and my anxiety was off the charts. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a seizure, or end up in a psychiatric ward. I didn’t have anyone supportive at all (my so-called boyfriend just made things worse) and had my 11yo daughter to look after. It was a nightmare. After about a week I started sleeping - just a few hours at first and then gradually more. I can actually remember feeling my natural chemicals start to circulate again. Then I had about six weeks of crippling social anxiety and depression, during which I was housebound. I survived though (I’m finding it hard to write this so I’ll leave it there).

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. That’s some powerful writing right there..
      torn2bits likes this.
  5. Mingo123
    I love what you wrote and how intensely you wrote it. I could feel your pain and it reminded me of my withdrawal. Thank you for understanding the depth of the withdrawal process. It feels good that someone else understands and that I was not alone. Along with being an artist; you could be a writer!
      IMustHeal and torn2bits like this.
  6. IMustHeal
    Thank you guys!
    It's the beginning of a new year and all the more reason to stay inspired. I want to welcome it by staying clean for as long as possible, if not forever! I hope you all are doing well.
      mota16, torn2bits and Stephany like this.
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