I used to feel like at some point I would stop using, and that would be it. But I keep relapsing.
I know people will suggest detox, professional help, etc., but those just aren't options for me. No one knows about this problem I have, so I get no emotional support. I also need to work and support my family; I can't just stop doing that and go away to rehab or something and let them fend for themselves - so perhaps this is just the way it will continue until I no longer need to support my family?
My work is unbearably stressful and I hate it and this contributes to my needing to escape using poppy, which makes me feel better for the moment but of course then leads me to greater darkness. So it's a cycle that keeps perpetuating; probably either at some point I'll break in some way, or will manage to somehow stop forever.
I've tried several times in the last few months to stop by using suboxone and some benzos (etizolam) but the problem seems to be that the underlying cause is always still there - work+life stress > using poppy to escape > feeling bad about needing drugs > trying to get off it, and getting off for a bit > stress returns to higher level causing me to use again - that cycle just keeps recurring.
So what are my options? learn to deal with stress better so I can manage life without drugs? I guess ideally. But that's all I see. Otherwise, things look bleak.
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I don't know anymore.