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I don't know anymore.

can't believe I'm still here. Actually, guess I can. My life/problems continue.
  1. I used to feel like at some point I would stop using, and that would be it. But I keep relapsing.

    I know people will suggest detox, professional help, etc., but those just aren't options for me. No one knows about this problem I have, so I get no emotional support. I also need to work and support my family; I can't just stop doing that and go away to rehab or something and let them fend for themselves - so perhaps this is just the way it will continue until I no longer need to support my family?

    My work is unbearably stressful and I hate it and this contributes to my needing to escape using poppy, which makes me feel better for the moment but of course then leads me to greater darkness. So it's a cycle that keeps perpetuating; probably either at some point I'll break in some way, or will manage to somehow stop forever.

    I've tried several times in the last few months to stop by using suboxone and some benzos (etizolam) but the problem seems to be that the underlying cause is always still there - work+life stress > using poppy to escape > feeling bad about needing drugs > trying to get off it, and getting off for a bit > stress returns to higher level causing me to use again - that cycle just keeps recurring.

    So what are my options? learn to deal with stress better so I can manage life without drugs? I guess ideally. But that's all I see. Otherwise, things look bleak.

Comments

  1. Coldchicken
    I totally understand what you are going thru. I also have to work. I have 5 days to get off dope before I go back. I lied to my boss to get time off so I could do this, and I still waited until the last minute. I have been trying to quit for months now and cant even last one day. I'm so ashamed I've stopped writing in my journal here. I totally lost faith in myself. We cannot give up. People depend on us and they miss the old us. You will have to either do this cold turkey while working, or find a way to get 5-6 days off. People will help you here. I have managed before to quit cold turkey. It's hard at first, but it gets easier. The fear and depression are artificial. Not real. You can do this. You have to quit. We have to quit. If you want to talk let me know. Using is just not worth the guilt anymore.
  2. figgy
    so I haven't had any of my DOC since thursday. That was a truly awful day. I think I felt so awful on thursday that being off it was more tempting than being on it.

    friday, saturday, and sunday I had a few teaspoons of kratom throughout the day, a small amount of etizolam (similar to a benzo) a few times I felt highly anxious, and around 1-2mg of bupe at some point in the middle of the night when I woke up - it helps me fall back asleep.

    today, my plan is to have a similar day in terms of self-medication - have some bupe and etizolam later, maybe some kratom if I feel I need it.

    Kratom gives me some energy and reduces my sense of fear/anxiety somewhat for 2-4 hours.
    Bupe does similar things, but in a different way.

    It's difficult to describe the difference between the two, but they definitely make me feel differently from each other.

    I feel pretty decent at the moment. A little shaky, but much better than I did last week. I feel sort of human. Not totally healthy, but somewhat more "normal".

    But I still don't feel totally "normal". To me, "normal" means just being able to feel regular, not think about any substances, just be a normal person. I want that.

    Hopefully I can get to the point where I can make a plan for getting off everything...kratom, bupe, etizolam...I want to be on absolutely no chemicals. Not quite ready for this step yet, but I would like to be ready. Guess I'll see how I feel over the next few days.
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