I finally confess my secret addiction to fiance (We are new parents) 4 Days sober - Part 2

By Ifiwereabird · Apr 27, 2015 · ·
  1. I thought this was a journal. And I'm not asking for mental advice per say. More what literal steps to take to get into a treatment facility.

    Ifiwereabird added 8 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

    Deep sea,

    Time stopped reading your post. So much kindness. Thank you. So much. I've talked with my fiance and tomorrow first thing we are calling my insurance company and asking for referrals.

    "If you are Walking Wounded, puking and doping all day just to get from am to pm-eventually your child will know. And no matter what you say, she will blame herself."

    The truth to that was sobering.
    Thank you.


  1. OTCJ
    Honestly, despite feeling compassion for how lost and trapped it sounds like you feel, and despite the fact that I respect your honesty, I had a bit of a knee-jerk emotional response to your post, so will attempt to be as constructive and helpful as possible in my response.

    You said you are taking Prozac again, which is probably a good start but it sounds like you might benefit from starting to see a therapist ASAP and at least once a week ON TOP of whatever drug treatment/rehab accommodations you can figure out. I say this because it sounds to me like your psychological issues preceded your child's birth, and your idea of what motherhood is might have been twisted up even before that. It sounds to me like your expectations were not entirely in line with the reality of motherhood, and this perhaps from the time of your early pregnancy has created some dissonance in your mind that, until dealt with, could potentially continue to affect your ability to effectively, and realistically parent your child and take care of yourself.

    The fact that your reaction to the situation bothers you, (despite being difficult and unpleasant), is a good thing I think, because although you describe yourself as being cold and uncaring, the fact that you are bothered by your thoughts and feelings means you DO care at least somewhere in your mind. It sounds like you had some sort of psychological imbalance, or predisposition before even having gotten pregnant which was catalyzed by your pregnancy and resulted in your subsequent detachment from the situation of parenthood and most likely contributed to your susceptibility to chemical dependency. Take the way you feel as a sign that you need to take action, get help and untangle whatever is wrong with your thinking so you can actually take on the role of parent, rather than just going through the motions. There is likely some underlying mental health issue contributing to the way you are feeling, and likely some sort of postpartum chemical or hormonal issue contributing as well. I say this because it will hopefully indicate to you that you need to stop pitying yourself, stop vilifying yourself, stop beating yourself up and instead get proactive. You may not have chosen to feel this way, but you CAN choose to seek actual professional help and work towards CHANGING the way you feel. The only thing worth being ashamed of is having gotten to this "breakthrough" point to not use it as an excuse to truly change things around. You admitted your addiction to your fiance, your asking for help here, so you are reaching out and trying to find some way out of what your going through. Just keep going, make use of your support systems and seek out that professional help... maybe do some exercise, eat healthy, take vitamins etc. etc. and you'll hopefully sooner than you think actually feel OK and sincerely feel all that lovey dovey stuff that made you want to be a parent in the first place.

    Although playing the character of "Mom" might be convincing enough for an infant, you can't fake your way through your daughter's entire childhood, and she will eventually notice you are phoning it in and will likely become somewhat fucked up by the realization. Not trying to be harsh, just saying the sooner you get help, the better for her. This can be avoided if you do your rehab, make sure you've got a good psychiatrist and therapist, keep communication open and honest with your fiance, spend as much time with your daughter as you can when you feel up to it, and as much as you can bring yourself to even when you don't feel like it.

    I know you feel bad, but since it sounds like your down on yourself to the point where you might not feel like helping your self for your OWN sake, help yourself for HER sake. Get help, work on getting yourself better and you will likely gradually become a better and better parent as you feel better. As you become a better and better parent, your time spent parenting will likely get more rewarding and you will get to a point where you are having those truly rewarding bonding moments, that "i'd kill for you" feeling and that instinctual "awesome mom" mode. It might just take some time and some hard work. I suspect if you talked to a therapist or doctor specializing in postpartum depression, they would likely tell you much of the upsetting thoughts and feelings you had while pregnant and over this past year are not uncommon, and they will likely know, (much better than I), how to help you and in which direction to steer you so that you get feeling better as quickly as possible.

    That's all I really have to say; I Imagine it comes across as part pep-talk, part reiteration of what you already know you need to do, but sometimes just being heard can help, so hopefully I at least gave you that.

    With some help and some determination, I feel like you can get through this. You dealt with the physical difficulty, now its time to tackle the mental difficulty before it drags you too far down, and before it starts affecting your daughter. You talked about yourself as though you are an awful person, but It seems to me like you're only that if you don't take this turning point as an opportunity to do your absolute best to get as well as you can, and you'll not only prove yourself to be a good, caring person, but you'll also give your daughter the mother she deserves, and in that selfless act i feel as though you will have found what it takes to feel that maternal sense of unconditional love that attracted you to being a parent in the first place.

    Good luck,
    Wishing the best!

    - OTCJ
  2. Beenthere2Hippie
    Do you have insurance? If so, the first step is to find which addiction specialists in your area, and then you need to check their references. That is where you need to start, at the same time that you start your drug journal here.

    Even though you're not physically taking your DOC, you're still romanticizing and internalizing it, so a is a good idea and a wonderful way to keep an eye on your own thought processes. But first, as DeepGreenSea said, you must learn to respect and love yourself. When we're empty inside, it's natural that we have nothing to give to others; you need to get your own self-worth back before you can help another.

    But the hardest and largest step was already made when you came on here and shared a difficult truth.
  3. DeepGreenSea

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Only a person who truly wants to Get Better would Reach Out. Too many of Us do and don't feel hands catching ours-I hate that thought. You get yourself feeling better, feeling Strong and when you are out of Your Cocoon, you reach out your hands to the next woman who is Lost. It took me years to learn these things-but now that I know them-they are mine. They will be yours too!



    Ps. Don't be a Bird, Be a Butterfly!
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