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I really need some support, please help me - Part 100

By marathonmel7 · Oct 16, 2014 · 103.3K · 4
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  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Well this morning I have this dumb job interview making minimum wage. I can't afford to pay all my bills on minimum wage. I'd be surprised if the pay is more than that. It's a job at a restaurant. I'm not sure if I will take it or not, it depends on the atmosphere and if it's a nice restaurant. I have experience working at high end restaurants and thats where all the money is made. We'll see. You can't say I'm not trying though. I just want to go back to cleaning houses. That was what I truly liked doing. I'm still waiting to hear back from other companies on whether I can join their team.

    Today I don't really feel any better. I am tired. I'm afraid my Mom is angry at me and I don't know how to fix that since I don't feel like I did anything to her but explain my feelings. I have anxiety. I am going to take a xanax before I go into this interview so I'm not shaking and shivering and look like an idiot who just got off of drugs. My body temperature is still erratic and I don't feel 100%. It's been about 7 days or so.

    My dealer pisses me off because he texts me and tempts me with his "amazing black." WHatever… I'm not falling for it. It's just the same tar as he always gets and it's not amazing. Good, but not amazing. I just delete his messages. I'd delete his phone number but he still texts me and I still know his number by heart. So whatever, criticize me for that. I don't really care because I'm not acting on it.

    I don't know why I'm so nervous about this stupid job interview. I don't even know where the restaurant is. If it's not close then I'm not accepting the job. I will not fight LA traffic everyday and spend obscene amounts of gas money getting to and from when I will only be making pennies to begin with.

    Everything is annoying me right now and loud sounds especially. My dog's barking is shrill and going right through my skull. Some kid was outside yelling and it made me squint with pain in my right temple. I just want darkness and quietness. I want to go back to sleep. I want to stop complaining. I'm sorry.

    I am going to go but I will write more later about this stupid job interview. I don't even want to talk to them. i just want to sit there and have them look at me and say yes or no. I dressed the part so they should just say yes. I have nothing intelligent to say. I don't have a clue. I've been on many job interviews in the past but I am not in the mood this morning to smile and be fake and act like this is the career of a lifetime.

    I am depressed. I am repressed. I am mad. I am sad. I don't know how to just be. I just want to be normal.

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  1. Booty love
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    A job is a job Mel, some money is better than none! Just look at it as temporary. i'm delivering pizzas right now, i'm hoping to get my MMED badge so i can get a job in the cannabis dispensary.
    Your not gonna feel better for a while, i know you know this. Recovery from heroin is a long process, you agreed to all the terms, good and bad, when you started using. For every second heroin gave you pleasure, thats 2 seconds of hell you have to endure to get the mind frame you had before you started using.

    Your dealer is like them all, they know that seeing their number and hearing their voice is trigger, my dealer was the same, call every few days to see how i was doing, and calling to let me know they had the fire, even tho it as the same old stuff. Tell him there is nothing amazing about black, Black tar isn't china white and china white isn't better than not using or allowing yourself to be a slave. Please don't answer your dealers calls. I know how hard that can be, i used to hate the thought of the game going on without me, i used to think that if i didn't stay in touch, the dealers would forget me. idk why i thought this, i haven't seen my main dealer in Savannah in over 9 years and yet i know i could go there tomorrow and start right back up as if no time had past.

    Your anxiety will cause you to be nervous about shit you normally woudn't care about. I know because i have bad anxiety, i'm going through the same thing, i'm nervous about everything, i think everyone hates me, i feel like i'm failing at life, not only for me but for my kids too and i'm just always on edge, like i'm ready to either explode into a crying fit or a fit of rage! Thats why i smoke mmj, have you ever thought about trying cannabis for wd symptoms? Another reason i smoke to, is that it helps with my sporadic cravings i used to have to check out of reality with hard drugs.

    YEP! This is with drawal syptoms, i used to get the same way every month when i came off my adderall, and i worked in constuction then, you want to talk about miserably loud! feel free to complain all you want, this is your thread, you driving this bus girl!

    You will get to where just living insn't hell. I have been on both sides of this fence and its a tough fence to climb but i feel like you are way stronger than me. MARATHON MEL NEVER GIVES UP!! MARATHON MEL FINDS A WAY!! When things are really bleak, i want you to sceam those words, over and over! or you could just say Melissa, either way, You got this!

    sorry about quoting but its just easier for me that way.
    Booty love, Oct 16, 2014
  2. Loveluck29
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    ^^^ isn't it funny that when you are actively using no one wants to do you any favours, however the second you quit everyone is calling offering "bomb shit" , and often ready to give it to you for free.

    This has always pissed me off. When I quit cocaine the same thing happened. When I used no one wanted to give me a line, but when I quit people were lined up (no pun intended) offering it.

    These people want to keep you on the same level as they are. Irregardless of the money, I think your dealer wants to still have some power over you.

    Fuck him :)

    Keep up the great work! Being able to turn it down when it is literally being thrown at you is a huge accomplishment!
    Loveluck29, Oct 16, 2014
  3. Squizz
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    This right here is very troubling. You are being offered help, and refusing it. And this is a PROFESSIONAL offering you help. It's pretty obvious to anyone in the know, that you need to go to rehab. Do as you wish though. I'm dying to see how doing things your way works out. 99.9% of addicts who take this approach usually end up in jail, dead, or in some institution. But hey, maybe you'll be that 0.01%.

    What I'm trying to say here dear, is that you don't really want to quit. Because if you *really* wanted to quit, you'd seek help. It's clear as day that don't have the required tools to beat this thing, and where are you going to find them?

    It's not just about "quitting heroin". It's about living life without drugs or alcohol. You clearly have no idea how to do that, and you aren't just going to magically learn how to. It's a learning process.

    Take it from me. I thought I knew better for 7 years. Didn't work out too well for me. Or the THOUSANDS of others I've known who've taken this approach. If they're still alive.

    Not trying to be a dick, I'm just concerned that you're underestimating how strong your addiction really is.
    Squizz, Oct 16, 2014
  4. Loveluck29
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    ^^ I don't think that is fair to say. Different methods work well for different people. She has mentioned more than once that due to her current situation (she lives alone, across the country from all family members), and has a small dog she needs to care for. If she isn't working she will lose her home. It's just not a doable situation for her right now.

    She has had some bumps along the way, as everyone has who has tries to stop an addiction, however she is currently 7 days clean, which shows she isn't physically dependant anymore. Now comes the mental part and if you read through this entire journal you would see how strong she is.

    So many people that go to rehab fall right back in to using as soon as they get out, or further down the road, especially with opiates. Rehab is not a fool safe way to stay clean by any means. Mel has considered all options and as of now this is the way that she has decided to go. She is also doing very well right now I may add. You should try to be supportive of her plan to quit, even though you may choose a different route for yourself.
    Loveluck29, Oct 17, 2014
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