I really need some support, please help me - Part 104

By marathonmel7 · Oct 19, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Well today is day 10 but I have a confession to make. I took an oxy last night. I don't know why I did it. I didn't get high or anything. I just wanted to fill the hole in my soul and the pain and desperation that I was feeling. I wanted the pain to go away more than I wanted to be high. I regret doing it but it was a minor mistake. It didn't make me whole. It just made me feel like a failure. So i'm sorry.

    Yesterday was challenging. I didn't end up going to work I go today instead. I went for a half hour run on the treadmill thinking that would chase away all of my pain. It did not. I don't even feel like it helped. Then last night I went for a long drive and then ended up in bumper to bumper traffic and didn't feel anything but stress after that. So my attempts at peace and solace were unsuccessful.

    I can't believe how painful this experience has been. I have so much going on. I have court again on Wednesday. I have a job interview on Tuesday. And then at the same thing I feel like I have nothing going on. I am restless, aggravated, unaccomplished, idle, alone, lonely, desperate… etc. I could go on. I can't sleep. I wake up super early and then my days are super long because I can't sleep at night. I can't catch a break. When I was using I could always sleep so well and so peacefully. Now, it's all such a chore. My brain dreams and conjures up nightmarish tails. Like last night, I was awakened to a dream this morning. I was so pissed when I woke up. I just want to sleep. I want it to be quiet. I want the rain not the sun. I want a break. Just an hour to feel good.

    That's really all I can think of to say. I'm not good at ending my posts. I just ramble what I'm feeling and then suddenly my thoughts drop off into nothingness. I am empty. I am not whole.

Comments

  1. Squizz
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    I'll admit: I'm not surprised at all about this. BUT, you've mentioned a couple of things that I think rehab would help you with here. 1)The courts will look favorably on you going to rehab. 2)The isolation, loneliness, etc, will be helped by rehab. 3)They will get you through the entire detox process. I promise, if you stick the program, and work it to the best of your ability, you will feel like a new person. But again, I know I'm not going to convince you to go. You still seem to think you can beat this on your own, and that my friend is what we call denial. You keep trying on your own, failing, and think things will be different the next time around. Again, I wish you luck, but I think you need more help than you realize. I will keep you in my prayers, because I don't want you to die from this shit.
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