I really need some support, please help me - Part 108

By marathonmel7 · Nov 2, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Well, happy Sunday to everyone. I don't know how to take in everything right now but I feel amazing. I am so happy to be sober and not be struggling. I slept well last night. I did however, have to take my sleeping pill in order to sleep well. But, overall I'm only taking my meds prescribed to me from my new psychiatrist and nothing else. I haven't even really used any benzos for anxiety or anything. I do of course have some on hand just in case of a panic attack or whatever.

    I am having graphic, bad dreams. Two nights ago I awoke to a bad nightmare, screaming and crying. I was really freaked out because I was all alone. Luckily, I had my dog to curl up to and cuddle until I calmed down. My new meds are working out well but unfortunately, my PTSD is still there.

    I'm learning to live sober without heroin and man does it feel good. I don't feel like I am a slave to this awful drug anymore. I feel happy for the first time in awhile. It's an authentic happiness. It was really wrong for my previous psychiatrist to do what she did to me but in retrospect, I think it was the best thing that could have happened to me even though it was super difficult. I had to detox in the hospital and basically be at the mercy of a team of doctors that didn't know me. I felt very trapped there and was begging them to let me home everyday. Finally, yesterday they agreed to let me out.

    I just feel so happy right now and so thankful that I have a place to live and my loving dog here for me. I have a lot to handle in these next upcoming days. I have court tomorrow, a doctor's appointment and then I have to try and find a job. I missed a job orientation while in the hospital so I am contacting the company to see if I can have that opportunity again. I have a letter from the hospital that states I was there so I can give that to the courts and they can rescind the warrant that's out for me right now for missing the court date while i was held against my will in the hospital.

    I will say though, something negative that resulted was I started smoking. It helps to calm me down. I used to have one cigarette a day when I was deployed to Iraq. It was the only way I felt I could calm down and relax aside from exercise and whatnot. So, now I'm smoking again :( I will worry about this later though. I can't stop everything all at once. Baby steps.

    I just feel so liberated right now. I feel like I get the chance to start over again. I feel like my life can be saved. I feel like I can say no to my dealer and that I am no longer his slave or at his mercy.

    I feel myself appreciating the smallest things right now like the weather, or the things in my apartment that make me comfortable. Things that I could lose if I keep getting trashed with heroin. I will say this though, it terrifies me to think that I may live my life sober. I mean, what does that really mean for me right now? I haven't been sober in over three years. I feel like i have to learn how to live all over again. Does that make sense to anyone?

    I am ready to love and to be loved though. Not in a girlfriend/boyfriend type a way but rather, in a self acceptance type or way or a forgiveness. I have to learn to love myself and to rise above the adversity that I am facing right now. Fortunately, I don't have to do this alone. i now have new doctors, have made new friends for support, have my Mother and aunt and uncle behind me. I finally feel some much needed support. I finally feel like i too, can support myself because I am more stable. I am getting a clearer head with each day that passes.

    I don't know how many days I have clean but I am approaching the one month mark. I think I am a week short or so. I still feel some minor withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety and insomnia. I am using some medication to help with those two things but mostly for my anxiety, I just smoke a cigarette as unhealthy as that sounds. It's better than slamming heroin though.

    Damn, I am happy though. I'm finally doing this. I really am. I have mixed emotions on getting on suboxone. I feel like it would be good for me to stabilize myself right now for about six months. But, apart of me sees that I'm doing it now with nothing and maybe I should just keep going. I don't know. I will see what the doctor thinks. I'm also thinking of attending outpatient rehab at the VA closer to my house. I am supposed to be interviewed for the program tomorrow. But, first I have to go to court in the morning. One thing at a time.

    Anyways, today is a good day. I am free. I am making it. I am relearning to live my life without drugs. It's difficult but so liberating. I am so proud of my accomplishments even though they are very small in comparison to others here on DF. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm on the path to get there. I'm fighting hard.

    Thank you to all for your support. This is going to be a long road and I plan on keeping this journal alive while I am undergoing all of this. I hope I can help someone else here. This has been such a tough road. It's doable though. Everything is doable.

Comments

  1. 1korger!
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hey mel, i have just gotten caught up on everything thats been going on and i really appreciate your journal. As time moves forward it looks like drug use and heroin use is only on the rise and its going to require addicts like us getting clean and learning about life so that we can help those that are coming up behind us.

    Im back on suboxone for my second round. I spent 3 years on and off heroin. Every month id go through withdrawals and get my tolerance down a little andthen go back into my addiction. Eventually i got out of school because i couldnt take the pressures of class and moved back with my family and got on suboxone. Suboxone allowed me the ability to fill my opiate receptors and at times i would relapse with heroin but still be able to maintain my job because i wouldnt have to re-experience withdrawals. Eventually my relapses became fewer and fewer and i came to understand what heroin did for me and that i need to learn how to do for myself what heroin did for me. Which is relax, i need to learn how to accept the stresses of life and still give myself time to relax and take life bit by bit.

    I eventually tapered myself off suboxone and could deal with the withdrawals of suboxone while still going to work. But i had built for myself this big concept that all my emotional issues were due to me still being on suboxone and that once i was off suboxone life would be great and i would be so much smarter and happier and be able to connect with people better. Well that wasnt the case, so i got off suboxone and after being off it for 6 months or so and realizing that life wasnt really changing, or improving in the ways i wanted, i became very depressed and had some leftover suboxone which i started taking again, andthen wham, i became addicted to it in the blink of an eye all over again.

    It seems that suboxone is being used to treat depression nowadays though and that is likely whats going on with me, that is likely the cause to my initial drug attraction and having something to comfort me is very helpful. Suboxone has become my baby blanky or pacifier because in some ways i am still an emotional infant when it comes to life. I look forward to taking the life training wheels of suboxone off my life-bike sometime in the future but life is hard, and i am scared of the future, and i am scared of the unknown.

    I have good intentions though, and because i wish the best for life, and for the lives of everyone, i have faith that i will find my way and i will survive, no matter how sad or dark my depression becomes i still feel good that somebody out there in the world, some little critter is enjoying itself. It feels good to know that enjoyment is in this world, even if at the moment it isnt in me.

    After reading everything throughout your journal, i believe there is good in you, take care of it and allow it to blossom. Dont judge it when it makes mistakes, and dont condemn it for not being better. It is what it is, and it is you, and you are a blessing to us all
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