I really need some support, please help me - Part 112

By marathonmel7 · Nov 10, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Well hello there everyone. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I had a job interview today. It was with H&R block working as a receptionist. It doesn't pay very well but I did get the job. It's just temporary until I have the job orientation next month working for a different company cleaning houses. That's what I really like to do. I just have to wait until the orientation next month in LA. In the meantime, I have to have money coming in so I will take this new job and give it a try. The pay is substantially lower than what I was making before but hey, you gotta start somewhere right?

    I feel like it's baby steps right now to getu my life back in order. Now, here's the bad news. I messed up and used last night. I have no good excuse as to why I made the decision to do so but I did. I only did it once but it's the fact that I did it. I'm sorry to those who I let down. I am not perfect and i'm trying really hard here to keep myself clean.

    Fortunately, I see the doctor on Wednesday. He is my new psychiatrist and he is also he one who will be prescribing me suboxone if I choose to take that route and he is also in charge of getting me into the outpatient treatment program. I really need to get into this program because I need the support. Right now I am at a critical stage. I already relapsed and I don't want to continue down on this path. I am ashamed of myself. But, it happened, I fell and now I'm dusting myself back off and trying again. I just have to hold on until Wednesday when I can get some help.

    BBW, I have mixed emotions about subs too but I really think I need them to stabilize my life right now. I think it's a helpful tool to get me to where I want to be. I need a way to manage my cravings. Between subs and outpatient rehab I believe I can stay sober. I don't know. I have to talk to this new doctor about it. I called him and told him I relapsed and he said it's ok that he will help me Wednesday. So, we'll see what happens. So, that is my bad news and boy is it bad. I was doing so well. I just wanted a good night's sleep and I was having repetitive nightmares and migraines and I just wanted a break. No excuse I know. No excuse!

    I will keep you all updated as to what happens. I'm going to keep fighting my ass off though for my sobriety. I may stumble along the way but I am going to do this.

    Please don't be too harsh with your comments. I feel like I've made progress despite this relapse. It's been awful tempting to use since I've been out of the hospital. I've managed to make it this far. I will keep fighting. This is one hell of a battle. So, here I go again starting over from one small and stupid mistake. I'm not going to let this derail me from my goal though. Soon I will see the doctor and hopefully we can set up a good plan. I'm excited for this rehab program and my friend is going through it too so I will have some support.


  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Congratulations for admitting you stumbled, Mel. Anyone can see by your words the pain you feel for failing you, yourself, as well as feeling you disappointed us. We'll be fine, and understand that relapse is part of rehabilitation of your life. It's just something that happens, you get through and you seek help, as you're doing.

    As you said in your last post, I think that Suboxone and a high quality doctor and healing community of people in this day rehab will make a huge difference in your life for the better. I, like you, think you will benefit from the structure along with a strong kinship with the staff and others in the program, you will have a more likely shot at learning the ropes of living sober and being where you want to be in life also.

    I'm also glad to hear about your job. You need to both bring in money, and keep busy, so this is a good thing. Let us know how that goes. Probably not bad at this time of year in a tax office, but I'm sure they'll keep you busy somehow, lol.

    One thing about your stumble: do you know your own triggers? Do you remember the things that brought on the want to get high? We all have patterns that seem to come together before one falls to a high. You know, like I had extra money from the week, and then Jerry called to say Hi (your dealer's sister)...Or, I went right past the club he [my dealer] hangs in anyway so...whenever I'm with so and so, we get high, and he came over last night, so. Or...

    Always worth avoiding such triggers in the future.

    Stay in touch, dear Mel-

  2. TLSJ
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Ok, this is probably going to be a bit unusual, but I've just finished reading this thread from the beginning (but mostly only Mel's posts), and I've written lots of thoughts as I've read through it. So some of what follows will not necessarily apply to the current situation, but since this took me hours to read and write, I'm going to post all of it. Plus, some of it may still be helpful and/or relevant, if not for you, then maybe for others. Here goes...

    I started reading your thread today, so I’m not yet fully up to speed on where you are in your recovery, and as such, some of my thoughts and comments will be directed towards events in your recovery that are now somewhat dated. But I wanted to share them nonetheless.

    After reading only the 1st two pages, and seeing how many times you “relapsed”, I could tell you were not going to be able to do it this way. Further, each time you “slipped”, it was going to weigh heavier and heavier on your own sense of self-worth, and then just make it harder and harder on your own self confidence. So that’s a bad thing, because each time it happens you feel worse than last time. Quitting this drug cold turkey, at the amount you were on, is near impossible. I could tell, even at this early stage, you were going to need to try Suboxone. You would go a few days, then end up scoring, so it was more like you were actually “tapering” your heroin usage. And that’s totally ok. But you have to understand, each time you went back and scored some more dope, it was simply because it’s what your body NEEDED. And that too is ok.

    If there’s one thing I would have said to you during your first month, it would have been to stop beating yourself up when you relapsed. Think of it as a taper, and not a relapse.

    Another thing I started to realize, is you have other issues that need to be dealt with along with getting clean. Heroin helped greatly with your back pain and anxiety. So you cannot simply focus on quitting dope without having some plan of action for those 2 things as well. And the mental aspect simply CANNOT be ignored. We can’t look at it like: First, I’ll get clean, then deal with whatever comes next. No. You have to have a plan for dealing with the depression that comes to ALL of us quitting opiates, and for you, also a plan for dealing with your other issues of chronic pain and PTSD.

    I wish I could have been around months ago to share these thoughts with you, but you may have not agreed with me, (and maybe you don’t now.)

    Also, regarding Suboxone: I have mixed feelings about this drug. I believe it is a great tool to help someone get off opiates, as it can give a person the means to get their life stabilized, and also help greatly with the depression. But if you get on it long-term, it’s going to present the same types of problems when you get to the point where you want to get off it. So my own thoughts on the best way to use it is to use it in a short-lived tapering manner. However, I’m not personally knowledgeable enough to know how much to use, or for how long. And even when you stop taking the Suboxone, you still need some way of coping with the depression. So my vote is for a stint in rehab. I know, I know…, many of us can’t do that because of their current life responsibilities. But I can assure you, you run a great risk of just messing up whatever you’ve got going on in your life right now anyway, that when you look back on things a year or 2 later, and see that you’re still struggling with your addiction, that’s when you end up realizing you should’ve bit the bullet and just gone to rehab. When I finally gave in and tried rehab, they detoxed me using Subutex for a week, and then I was put on Welbutrin for the last 2 weeks of my 30 day stay. This approach worked for me. I got out, got my script for Welbutrin continued, and my life was on its way to becoming much better.

    I’m at May 30 when you relapsed and confided in your mother. First thing that comes to mind to tell you: Stop calling yourself a loser. You are not! So many other people would have just stopped posting. You didn’t. And you’ve been honest about it. That is NOT being a loser. As for your mother…, she doesn’t understand what you’re going through. I wish I could think of a way to get her to understand what you need right now. The only thing I can think of is to copy and paste some thread (not necessarily yours) from this site that would show her the struggles we all share in going through something like this, or perhaps some articles that explain how/why the body reacts the way it does, and why it isn’t easy at all to just quit using drugs like she thinks it is.

    I want to add… I HATE that we started a war in Iraq, (my belief: based on lies) that ends up with our young soldiers, like yourself, coming back with all these mental health problems, and a system that fails in truly treating them. I’m thankful for your service, but I’m sorry for your ongoing health problems as a result. If I was Commander-In-Chief, and we needed a war, I’d damn site find a way to do it without our men and women being harmed. And I believe it CAN be done. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m grateful for you and people like you who have/are serving in the military, and I’m sorry you have the scars you now carry from your service to our country.

    From June 4: “I love rainy days and prefer them over sunny days.” I am right there with you when I’m suffering from the after-effects of using. I really believe that’s mostly where that preference of rain over sunshine comes from.

    Great job on your presentation! See? You were so down on yourself, and negative and all, but you ended up getting an A, and you weren’t high (as I recall.) So there! Remember that.

    Another thought I had, after reading what happened when you confided in your mother: Reach out to your father. I think he’d be supportive.

    June 9: You said “No” to Suboxone. You need it. Your body/brain has been changed from what it once was. You’re on medication for your PTSD, right? The heroin is giving your brain something it needs, that at some point in the past it did not need. Don’t think of it as trading one addiction for another, but instead, as providing something your brain has become accustomed to having, as in, dependent upon. There IS a difference between dependency and addiction. Plus, you don’t have to remain on Suboxone forever. Just long enough for you to get stabilized enough to be able handle tapering off of it. With your past drug use, I don’t know how long that would be, but perhaps it could be as short as only a couple of weeks. Your posts are starting to become the old cliché, of the definition of insanity: Continuing to do the same things (use, quit, resolve to not use ever again, take some helper drugs, get depressed, break down, use again), but expecting different results. You truly need to try something different because your current process is only serving to make you feel worse about yourself.

    6-17: Ok, good, you’re talking with your father. That’s great news. But you said he doesn’t know about your addiction… I bet he does, and he’s waiting to see if you want to tell him.

    You wrote something in the context of whether you can call yourself clean for 6 days, when in fact you relapsed only a day ago, but since it was only one shot, you still wanted to call it 6 days clean. What you said was, “You’re either clean or you’re not”, the implication being, once you relapse, your clean time starts all over again. So what’s really being implied, is that, as soon as you stop taking drugs, you’re clean. So when does that “clean time” really start? I mean, does it start as soon as the drug gets into your system? I would imagine everyone would say No. So…, then, does it start when the high wears off? What about the after-effects? The depression and the cravings? I say, a person isn’t truly clean until ALL the effects of the drug are out of their system, and your life is truly back to normal. Maybe if people looked at clean time in that way, they wouldn’t beat up on themselves so much when they relapse. Because let’s face it…, So far in your thread (I’m at the middle of June), you haven’t really been “clean” yet. And it seems to me that you want clean time so badly, that you’re constantly setting yourself up for failure. At this point in your thread, you aren’t going to have a milestone of any substance until you get to the place where you’re actually feeling some sort of normalcy. And for you, I’ll say it again: You need to be on Suboxone, or go back to Methadone. I mean, what’s worse…, being on one of those maintenance drugs, or being on the roller coaster you’re on right now, constantly feeling negative towards yourself because you can’t achieve what you want on your own, in your own (very limited) willpower. Your posts come across as thinking you can beat this heroin addiction (which you admit was quite high) with just sheer willpower. IT CAN’T BE DONE!

    By the way, I assure you I have not read ahead in your thread. I’m taking it one post at a time, and adding to my thoughts and suggestions as I read your posts. I read a little, very little, of what others wrote, but since I’m so late getting into this, I’m really focusing only on yours.

    6-17 you wrote: “I choose to use nothing because sobriety to me is abstaining from all narcotics.” Yet you’re on drugs for your other mental issues. So why do you think that after doing heroin for the time you have done it, that your brain is healthy enough to simply remove the heroin and everything will be fine? The fact is, your brain is not healthy, and it still needs drugs to function properly. You’ve made it function that way. It is not producing neurotransmitters the way it was designed to. So, you stop taking heroin, and your brain needs time, LOTS of time, to reset its production of dopamine, etc. People simply cannot go through that process, and the time it takes, while continuing to function properly in this world. You have to take your classes, care for your dog, pay your bills, etc, and being able to do those things (and let’s not forget: having the MOTIVATION to do so) while your brain is seriously depleted of the chemicals it needs to allow you to function normally, is near impossible, as you are hopefully realizing. That’s where a stepping stone can be helpful. Don’t think about it as “forever.” But you certainly need some type of transition tool.

    6-22 Day “2”, again, yet you say, “I know I can do this.” Not to sound harsh, but you don’t “know” if you can do this (the implication of doing it simply with your own willpower.) Nothing more to say here… I’m just going to continue reading to see how long it takes you to realize you need something else to get you over this hump.

    I’m beginning to think that you really have this attitude that kicking dope is simply a mind-over-matter issue, but you’re not giving any thought to the very real physiological aspect, ie, the brain chemistry part that I’ve been mentioning.

    7-19 Ok, some tough love coming: So the brush with jail was only enough to get you to stop for nearly a month. And with all you have to lose, you used again. Can you see that you simply cannot beat this using only your willpower? You mentioned God. (by the way, His name is capitalized) I am a firm believer in God, and I only bring it up now that you’ve mentioned it. (I get the impression most people on DF don’t have much of a belief in God. Their loss.) I have seen God work several miracles in my own life when it came to my addiction. He IS real, but you have to seek Him. And I believe He may have already shown Himself to you when you were arrested. He can handle any doubts we have too, so if you simply start by praying, and telling Him your honest feelings of doubt as to whether He is real or not, I’m sure that would be fine. I would simply ask Him to show you the way. Ask for His leading. But then listen to whatever feelings or thoughts you then have, then act on them. I’d recommend doing a search for some online sermons on drug addiction. Btw, He took away a very bad crack addiction of mine as if it were simply turning off a light switch. I had tried EVERYTHING short of rehab, and I could not stop for any length of time. But when I turned to Him, my addiction was completely removed. No cravings at all either. I had so much peace, I started working out regularly, and ended up back together with my wife, whom I had assaulted with a motor vehicle (ran my truck into the back of the suv she was driving on the highway. Pretty bad stuff.) But through all that, I ended up drug-free, and we got back together, and we were able to repair all the damage my addiction had caused to our marriage, including infidelity on her part.

    More tough love: You should not be in any kind of relationship yet. You’re NOT clean, and you’re not ready. Suppose he gets emotionally attached to you before you tell him about your drug past? And he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a drug addict, but by then he’s in too deep. Would that be fair to him? Put the shoe on the other foot. If YOU had never used drugs, would you want someone to not share their past drug use with you right in the beginning? And what happens if you wait to tell him, then by that time, YOU are in too deep, and he ends up rejecting you? What do you think you’ll end up doing next?

    7-21 Ok, I just read your latest relapse, and I wanted to say something positive, because I may have been a little too hard on you in my last few thoughts. I congratulate you on continuing to post, even when you relapse. Know that I’m pulling for you, and hoping for the day when I read about how your life has been completely turned around. And do please keep posting, even when things get better, because that’s what everyone here (and elsewhere too) REALLY needs and wants to see: A true success story, warts and all. We all know about the failure parts of trying to beat an opiate addiction, but I don’t think we have enough complete stories that go on to show how it all ended well. I’m hoping yours will be one of them. Hey, just think of how inspiring your story would be to others, since you’ve had so many setbacks.

    7-26 I hate to say it, but you admit you couldn’t handle the stress of school without using, and that was only one class, right? So how do you think you’ll be able to handle the stress of a job, which I imagine is 5 days a week? And what if they drug test you? I know you need a job, and I know putting together what it would take for you to truly become sober is tough (inpatient rehab, or moving home, breaking your lease, etc.), but you’re being short-sighted. Your single-most important focus should be on getting clean, and if that means losing stuff in the process, then that’s what it means. You’ve really got to get well before you take on anything else in your life, or I believe your addiction will continue. And I can see that every time you relapse, it takes something out of you that will be yet another component of your life that will need rebuilding at some point in the future, making it that much harder.

    8-1 Re your relapse because of your back pain, you said it was no excuse. Actually, it is a very valid excuse. Your body truly needs this drug, but there are better choices that will give you the relief you need, but at the same time, stabilize you. Yes, I’m talking about Suboxone. It relieves pain too. You will be able to keep this job if you get on Suboxone, but if you stay doing what you’re doing, you may as well not even show up on the first day.

    8-14 “I am taking a little bit of adderall in the morning. It helps with my concentration. I just decided I'd try it out.” I’ve honestly lost track of all the different drugs you’ve been taking during your time writing this thread. But the most disturbing part is the last sentence. More tough love: You obviously don’t learn from your past terrible choices. Isn’t this basically how you got started on heroin? Taking a drug you didn’t need? Girl, my advice to you is to somehow find out what is at the root of your drug use, because I don’t believe it’s only physical ailments. You need some serious help, or you’re going to be a drug addict for the rest of your life.

    8-19 Two days between using, then you said, “If I had no back pain I seriously could drop it without care. I don't even want the high anymore just the pain relief. I could go to the pain management clinic but I don't want to deal with the hassle and you have to be clean to go there anyways. They drug test you as everyone on here knows already.” You would still use, even without the back pain, because of the mental component. And when you state you don’t want to deal with the hassle, that comment sounds completely immature and irresponsible. I’m sorry, but I can’t put it any other way. Instead of dealing with the “hassle”, you choose the short cut. And I find it hard to believe that if you explained to them that the main reason you use heroin is because of the back pain, but that you really really want off the H, that they wouldn’t be sympathetic to your situation. But then again, you do take other drugs that would probably show up, and they’d be tough to explain. I’m sorry, but I’ll say it again: You need rehab.

    8-20 You said a couple good things: You said No to a relationship right now. That is very wise. And you said you are sick in the head. Maybe not the way you meant it, but it happens to be true. And you need to get that part of your body healthy.

    9-22 You’ve been arrested and you have an appointment to see an addictions counselor. I can almost guarantee what she’ll say: Suboxone. And I’m also willing to bet that if you get started in treatment before your case comes to trial, you’ll stand a good chance of getting the charges put on stet docket, or maybe nolle prossed. Especially since you’re former military. And, a good lawyer could probably make a case for your addictions stemming from the military/PTSD. Based on today’s date, you will have already gone to court, but I’m hoping for a good outcome for you. And there’s also a chance they could postpone your case to give you more time in a recovery program, then have you come back and see how you’re doing. Unfortunately, I don’t think enough judges understand how hard it can be to break free of addiction, and many of them are simply too harsh. Our prisons have WAY too many people in them for drug offenses, and that’s not right. And way too many former military end up becoming drug addicts. So our government needs to be more sympathetic, and take some of the blame themselves!

    9-30 So yes, I was right when I said your addiction counselor suggested Suboxone. But you know what’s best for you, right? After I got clean of the crack, I broke my leg very badly, and needed 3 surgeries in 5 weeks. I got on the pills, and started a new addiction. Ended up on H. Finally after trying so many different things, I gave in to the idea of rehab. But I was stubborn like you, just not as immature. I at least listened to the professionals. I had a great stint in rehab, and they let me out a few days early, and gave me $1000 to start me off paying rent in DC, which was unprecedented. They actually had to vote on it in a committee, but my counselor was really pulling for me. Well, several months later, I relapsed. I didn’t want to go through rehab again, so I opted for Suboxone. It gave me my life back, and I’ve been quite functional since then. I’ve cut my use down considerably in the last month, and someday I’ll get off it. But so what?? It doesn’t bother me, because if I hadn’t gone this route, I’d’ve probably lost everything once again, like when I got addicted after my surgery. If you don’t quit digging your heels in, and refusing Suboxone, that’s where you’re headed. And I’m sorry if I’m coming across as a hard-ass, but you need to wake the fuck up at this point. It’s that simple.

    10-7 You OD’d. I think God may very well be trying to get your attention. The accident then the arrest. Now the upcoming trial, and the OD. I think He’s in this, but you may not like the how. I believe He’s throwing obstacles in your path so you will turn in another direction. You may not like that, but I’ve seen it happen to lots of people in this manner, myself included, and they/I hated it at the time, and thought it was a pretty screwed-up way of evaluating what was happening, but once time had passed, and things got better, I could see things in a different light, enough to actually admit I was glad those things happened the way they did.

    10-17 You continue to refuse rehab. Your mention of rehab sounds like you’ve only been once, and it didn’t work, and you basically had a bad experience. So, if you went to a restaurant for example, and the waitress sucked, and the food sucked, after waiting for a table for an hour, would you never go out to eat again? I honestly don’t expect your life to get any better until you start to give in some and stop being such a know-it-all. You’re negative about drug counseling, negative about God, negative about Suboxone, negative about rehab, negative about 12 step programs, and negative towards anyone who gives you advice you don’t agree with if they don’t say it to your liking. With all the bad you have in your life, one would think you’d stop acting like an immature brat, and realize just maybe, you DON’T have all the right answers. And btw, “Squiz” was just telling it like it is. But you only want to hear from people who keep saying, “Aww honey, just keep your head up, we’re all pulling for you…” It’s been 5 months so far, and nothing YOU’VE wanted to do has worked, if fact, your life has continued to get worse. Just sayin…

    I’m also curious at this point how it is that you’re able to turn down your dealer’s offers so easily. I’m almost thinking you’re regularly taking Subs, but not telling anyone.

    10-20 Ok, so you just told someone off because apparently they suggested rehab. And off course you swear you don’t need rehab, it won’t work for you, you tried it before etc. But, you previously said similar things about Suboxone, but you are now using it, albeit dosing on your own, instead of taking the instruction from a professional. So could you possibly admit to yourself you might just happen to be wrong about rehab?

    Ok, I just got to the last of your thread, and hopefully you’ve made it to the end of what I’ve written. So it didn’t end up being rehab, but the hospital stay was kinda similar, in that it was something you didn’t want, but yet something someone else, a professional, felt you needed, and look how it turned out. Your court case was delayed, which ended up meaning you got a misdemeanor instead of a felony, and now you’ve obviously turned a corner. I just hope after you’ve relapsed yet AGAIN, you will finally GIVE IN, and stop being so damn stubborn, and get on the Subs. They do tend to want you to be on a higher dose than you need, and it seems like they generally want it to be indefinite, which I don’t happen to agree with. But you at least need to be on them until your life is stable.

    I really think your whole life would really benefit if you gave God a chance. I sincerely believe the good things that have happened recently are because of Him.
  3. cren
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel,
    Sorry to hear about your relapse but look at it this way, you are doing better with your mood now you are on the new medication.
    Also your relapse dosesnt change the fact that you have come a long way and you know that you can do this because you have been doing it.
    You are not the first and only addcit to relapse. The good thing is that now you are looking at how you can stay off h and trying to work out what will work for you. You have still made progress.
    You used to put work and school above your sobriety but now its you number one priority so thats a big progress in itself
    I know it feels like shit to relapse and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can see so much improvement and you are getting stronger all the time.
    You handled the whole courtcase thing really well. I know you probably wanted a bit of stress relief because you have had a very hard week but you werent useing all week!!! And its only 2 days to see the specialst doctor so you have to just hang in there till then.
    I will send you all my love
  4. john123470
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    hi Mel,

    I've been reading your posts and following your progress. I tend to agree with TLSJ who must have taken a day or 2 or 3 off to read through your entries and give what I consider to be very valuable advice re concrete steps you can take to fight your addiction .. he is also right for the most part when he says :

    ..... '' But you only want to hear from people who keep saying, “Aww honey, just keep your head up, we’re all pulling for you…” It’s been 5 months so far, and nothing YOU’VE wanted to do has worked, if fact, your life has continued to get worse ...…''

    If you really are so desperate to shake this monkey for once and all, why not try alternatives to the routes you are trying that are so obviously not working.

    Wishing you the best
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