Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Well hello everyone. Not sure what day it is in my sobriety but I'm hanging in there. I made some calls this morning in regards to the suboxone. Out of all the doctor's I called here is what i found. I basically have to pay $200 for my first visit. Then I have to pay $60 for my subsequent visits. This does not include my prescription. I have to pay for that separately and I'm not sure how much that costs.
I don't start my new job until next month. I think at that point I will try to go in for the suboxone. Although the further I get along the more I want to just fight this without any drug at all. I'm not saying that's what I'm going to do but I am doing better. I'm taking this one day at a time. I have the added support from my new friend. I'm getting out and doing things. That's something I've never done before. I've basically hibernated in my apartment for the last two years using silently alone. Now, I'm changing this. It makes a big difference. Yesterday was so fulfilling. I loved getting out and enjoying the weather. This is something I haven't done in so long.
Every morning I've been sitting outside having my coffee instead of being cooped up inside. I spent about an hour outside this morning doing so. I plan on starting to walk my dog too. I struggle with major anxiety and unfortunately I am in a city where it's overpopulated and there's a lot of traffic and a lot of people. This bothers me immensely. I will be looking forward to moving to Florida with my family. It's a small town and somewhere I can go outside without freaking out. I find that as long as I'm with someone here and get out I am ok. I feel like a baby. But, I really need people right now.
I met another person through my new friend. We decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I am not a very good cook but I figure with the help of my mother I can get something together for the guys that are coming over. I may do things less conventional and grill steaks and chicken. Guys like meat right? haha Just the fact that I have some people to spend it with is totally different from my last few Thanksgivings. My point is, things are really changing for me. It's a huge deal to me. Maybe not for all of you guys. But, being a hermit for the last two years and now going out and doing things is monumental haha.
My mood has improved significantly since I left the hospital. I just need my meds. Right now I'm getting by with my spares. I feel ok. Not really a difference. I am actually happy. I do however, wonder when I will feel like everyone else and be happy about the simple things. It seems that normal people are amused so easily. Like yesterday, I was watching people at the park and they all seemed so happy and content. I want to feel like that. I did however, feel like that yesterday but I had to battle my constant anxiety. I often wonder if normal people have that too.
I really want the direction of my life to change. I am really stepping out of my comfort zone to make this happen.
Something that's been on my mind lately is a guy I met at the hospital, we got really close. We bonded and when we got out of the hospital we were supposed to hang out and he was even going to move in for awhile and help me with bills while giving him a change of scenery. He was all set to move in and then all of a sudden his phone got turned off. I have no idea what happened to him. He is not the type of person to just stop communication. I think something terrible happened to him. I'm wondering if he went to jail or if he used again and OD'd. I face booked him but I've not heard back from him. None of us from the hospital have heard back from him and I'm so scared. I know he will contact me when he can but not if he's dead. And how will I know? I feel powerless. I call him everyday and check my Facebook and so do the other guys that I left the hospital with. We are all very concerned. I hope beyond all hopes he is ok. He even had a job lined up six blocks from my house. Everything was set in place. He was just in Oregon with his grandmother visiting family. He called me and we talked for an hour as he was driving back but then I never heard from him again. I don't know. I just hope he is ok. I really care. I have barely any friends here and sometimes you just make connections with people and we truly connected. I know he wouldn't just leave me hanging. I just have to have hope I guess.
Well, I guess that's about it. I want to thank everyone for your support. It's so nice to login everyday and see all of your thoughtful responses. This is a long thread and I'm surprised that you all have hung in there throughout all of my relapses. I technically don't deserve the support but god damnit I'm so happy to have it. You guys, my new friends, my family are what are keeping me going. Also, my heart and soul are fighting as hard as possible. I want this so bad.
Well, all That's it for me for today. I'm taking it easy. Not feeling so well. Been having stomach issues and constant headaches, borderline migraines. I need a day alone in my apartment with my pup. Pretty soon I am going to start exercising. I am just trying not to overwhelm myself. It's easy to do right now. Again, one day at a time. I hope you all see this as success. I really feel different and I'm really trying. I've also reconnected with some Army friends via text messaging. i don't like to talk to people on the phone so I like to text instead. I don't even talk to my family on the phone we all just text. Call me superficial but that's just how I like to communicate. I like to write. I write emails too. I can express myself much better and more openly. That's why I started this journal to begin with.
Ok, well sorry for the abrupt ending but it's time to end this entry for the day. Hope everyone has a good day. Off to other things.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 119