Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Guys I don't feel good. I am feeling like I am going to start slipping back into my heroin addiction full on and getting strung out again. I am thinking about scrounging up some money by selling an extra tv I have for money to get onto suboxone. I really need to be on something. I can't control my cravings and I don't feel like I am going to maintain any sense of sobriety. I have been dabbling in it here and there and I'm afraid of a full on addiction again. I feel hopeless and trapped.
I didn't have a bad day or anything. I watched college football all day and then picked up my boyfriend from the VA today and hung out with him for a little while. I have some suboxone at my house leftover from the last time I was detoxing from heroin. I think I am going to take some to control my cravings to prevent another relapse. I need to do something.
Gosh I wish heroin had never come into my life. I don't have enough money and my job doesn't start for another two weeks. I don't know what I am going to do. I may have to sell my 2000 dollar bike. I really don't want to because it means a lot to me and I love to ride. I am just desperate for funds and sobriety is more important than having a bike right now. I can always get one back I guess. I don't want to start losing stuff because I've already lost enough. I can't just seem to stop my usage. No I'm not strung out right now but I feel like I'm headed that way and i just want to be honest with you all. You all have been so supportive to me.
I go to the doctor this week. I'm hoping this new psychiatrist can help me. I was on good meds while I was in the psychiatric unit in the hospital a month ago. But, I've since run out of my meds and I can really feel it. Soon that problem will be rectified. I feel emotionally unstable right now. I feel kind of depressed. I am not sleeping well. My anxiety is out of control. All of these things and my PTSD are what triggers my relapses. I know that periodic using is not sobriety and I've been using periodically. Thanksgiving was my last usage and for a stupid fucking reason I got high.
I'm scared. I wish I could just live normally like the rest of the population. I want to be free of this addiction but it's like a hawk has it's daggers stuck in the back of my neck. I can't seem to be free. I want to live freely so badly. Don't you just want to be free sometimes or go back to your childhood when everything was so easy. Being an adult in this world is so hard sometimes. I wish my family had the means to support me monetarily. But, they don't and in a sense why should they have to support a 33 year old woman. But, I really need the help right now. Gosh, I'd love to win the lottery. I'd spend all my time and money on helping addicts and vets and animals.
Oh well, that's unrealistic right now. Anyways, feeling very low right now and in need of support. I need a therapist too. I am going to ask for one at the VA and see if they will assign me one. I don't typically like therapy but I think it's another way to help me help myself. I have to do this, no one else is going to do it for me.
Anyways, just thinking out loud tonight. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like shit.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 127