I really need some support, please help me - Part 127

By marathonmel7 · Nov 30, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Guys I don't feel good. I am feeling like I am going to start slipping back into my heroin addiction full on and getting strung out again. I am thinking about scrounging up some money by selling an extra tv I have for money to get onto suboxone. I really need to be on something. I can't control my cravings and I don't feel like I am going to maintain any sense of sobriety. I have been dabbling in it here and there and I'm afraid of a full on addiction again. I feel hopeless and trapped.

    I didn't have a bad day or anything. I watched college football all day and then picked up my boyfriend from the VA today and hung out with him for a little while. I have some suboxone at my house leftover from the last time I was detoxing from heroin. I think I am going to take some to control my cravings to prevent another relapse. I need to do something.

    Gosh I wish heroin had never come into my life. I don't have enough money and my job doesn't start for another two weeks. I don't know what I am going to do. I may have to sell my 2000 dollar bike. I really don't want to because it means a lot to me and I love to ride. I am just desperate for funds and sobriety is more important than having a bike right now. I can always get one back I guess. I don't want to start losing stuff because I've already lost enough. I can't just seem to stop my usage. No I'm not strung out right now but I feel like I'm headed that way and i just want to be honest with you all. You all have been so supportive to me.

    I go to the doctor this week. I'm hoping this new psychiatrist can help me. I was on good meds while I was in the psychiatric unit in the hospital a month ago. But, I've since run out of my meds and I can really feel it. Soon that problem will be rectified. I feel emotionally unstable right now. I feel kind of depressed. I am not sleeping well. My anxiety is out of control. All of these things and my PTSD are what triggers my relapses. I know that periodic using is not sobriety and I've been using periodically. Thanksgiving was my last usage and for a stupid fucking reason I got high.

    I'm scared. I wish I could just live normally like the rest of the population. I want to be free of this addiction but it's like a hawk has it's daggers stuck in the back of my neck. I can't seem to be free. I want to live freely so badly. Don't you just want to be free sometimes or go back to your childhood when everything was so easy. Being an adult in this world is so hard sometimes. I wish my family had the means to support me monetarily. But, they don't and in a sense why should they have to support a 33 year old woman. But, I really need the help right now. Gosh, I'd love to win the lottery. I'd spend all my time and money on helping addicts and vets and animals.

    Oh well, that's unrealistic right now. Anyways, feeling very low right now and in need of support. I need a therapist too. I am going to ask for one at the VA and see if they will assign me one. I don't typically like therapy but I think it's another way to help me help myself. I have to do this, no one else is going to do it for me.

    Anyways, just thinking out loud tonight. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like shit.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    Sell what you need to for suboxone. It is right choice for you. I also think getting back on your other meds plus a therapist is an excellent plan! You are growing girl! I know how painful this shit is. Just take it one minute at a time. We are all here to support you.

    Love ya!
  2. marathonmel7
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Thanks JD. Glad someone is there this late for me. I'm not feeling very well. I just took 2mg of xanax and smoked some weed. Hoping this will help me get a good night rest. Will update more tomorrow. In the meantime, thank you for your help. It's greatly appreciated.
  3. cren
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    be honest, cravings do pass and will you be in a position to get another $2000 bike again. Also will you spend all of it on subs or will you buy h. Exercise helps with cravings You feel this way now because you caved a few days ago but it will pass. Keep busy go for a ride on your bike. Have a run. It will kick in natural endorphins. If you are going to comit to sobriety you need to do the things that will help keep you on that path. Check out the treads on how to deal with cravings.
  4. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    I agree with Cren. You need to fight this monster. Choose to care for yourself. Eat right, exercise, and learn to manage cravings. Yes it is hard but what do you want? Do you want sobriety? I think you do but this does not just happen. You make it happen!
  5. illume
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Understand that withdrawal highway is the 1 way, fast track to Freedom Town. You should be celebrating your withdrawals. Right now, the only thing you know about pain and suffering is that you don't like it, but you need to learn more about it, which only comes through cold, hard withdrawals. Take this time to embrace the withdrawal suffering, feel it, recognize and learn about it. By recognizing the root causes of pain and suffering, we can mitigate, or even eliminate them. If you're in withdrawals right now, I congratulate you, because this is a great day for you, friend.

    Do you want to live, or do you want to die? If you want to die, then sell your TV and buy chemicals with it. Many people want to die, but be honest with yourself. Did you know that many believe that drug addicts are the lowest life forms, less than insects even? Many cultures believe that drug addicts can be trapped on Earth forever, in infinite cycles of addiction and misery, roaming the Earth in vein, from one life to the next. The drug addict will die a million deaths. Is this what you want?

    If you want to live, then you need to take look at yourself in the mirror. However red and baggy eyed you may be - repeat this to yourself, over and over again, thousands of times until it becomes engraved in your cerebrum.

    "I will not live my live as a slave to anyone, including a drug dealer. I will send the demons I am fighting screaming back to the hell they came from. Every day, good or bad, rain or shine, I am vigilant, ready and willing to confront any demon in my presence with a smile. Freedom is what I live for - FREEDOM OR DEATH".

    Remember, never give up, life is a fight, and congrats again on your withdrawals.
  6. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Illume,

    Umm, thinking you didn't read this whole thread. Mel is not in active withdraw. She is working to stay sober and wants suboxone to help her achieve this.
  7. illume
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    No, I did not read 17 pages. I read the post I quoted and the title - "I really need some support, please help me". If you think a powerful, addictive, mind destroying, poisonous opiate like Suboxone is the answer to your problems, well, good luck. Suboxone rotted 3 of my teeth out. Had I stayed on it longer I'd probably be unable to speak.
  8. lostlygirl
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel, while you are feeling so many triggers it may be helpful to write them down and explore them. Sometimes some of our most enlightened moments are at our hardest times.

    I also think getting on a Suboxone program is a very good choice for you, as well as staying on the medications given to you in the treatment center. I am sorry you are having such a hard time getting your prescriptions. Its obvious you are committed to getting off of heroin, and its not ok that you are having difficulty getting basic needs met. It should not be this way.

    I would also enlist all the help you can to get on a free or reduced Suboxone program. I would request a reason in writing why you were denied the free/reduced program, and use all the appeals processes that should be available to you. If it is run by the government then there would be an appeals process. Oftentimes by just starting the process it will overturn the original decision.

    I would then go down to Human Services and apply for temporary assistance. You are in active recovery and there are many programs are designed for exactly these types of situations. You may be able to apply for free or reduced housing. It is standard practice for most applications to be immediately denied, in hopes that the applicant does not know their rights and goes away. If this happens, start the appeals process immediately.

    Hugs, xxoo

    Illume, Its not very helpful to tell someone they are going to (your version) of hell and that they are going to die 1000 different deaths. Perhaps read the whole thread before commenting. Please understand that we are quite protective of Mel, and feel she has a lot to be proud of.
  9. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    This is not my thread but I have gotten to know Mel. I will assume you are attempting to be helpful as your first post seemed supportive. I was just pointing out she is not in withdraw. But seeing as I have a bit of experience caring for patients who suffer from IV heroin addiction let me share my perspective.

    Yes, suboxone is a powerful opiate that if taken for years as maintenance can have negative consequences. IV heroin on the other hand is very risky business. You do not always know what it is cut with and injecting it can lead to a whole host of horrific medical issues including endocarditis, sepsis, and death. Suboxone is the lesser of the two evils and many people are quite successful using it as a tool to stay off heroin. It gives them the chance to work through the life issues that led to use in the first place.

    While it sounds like suboxone was a negative experience for you, this does not mean it will be for her. And all opiates cause poor dentition due to persistent dry mouth.
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