I really need some support, please help me - Part 129

By marathonmel7 · Dec 1, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mrs. Badger, I have a miniature pinscher. I'd upload pics if I knew how to. He is what keeps me going seems how I don't have any family here.

    Today I don't feel a whole lot better. My stomach hurts pretty bad. I took some xanax and some suboxone I had lying around because I have cravings and I don't want to relapse. I don't want to be a slave to heroin anymore. I'd rather just pop 2mg and be rid of the cravings. Call me weak but I'd rather do it this way then subject myself to more heroin.

    I do not feel good about myself right now. I am fighting a hard core heroin addiction and it's weighing heavily on my body, mind and soul. I appreciate everyone's support. Thank you Tryhard (Andy) for your nice, long post. It truly did lift me up. I have so much to work on in my life right now. I'm so scared.

    I still haven't started my job and I'm running out of money. I am living off of loans and financially I've got myself in such a mess due to this heroin addiction. I don't know how I will ever get myself out of it without a good job. I got another job offer but haven't heard anything back from them. We'll see.

    I have like 150 emails to look over. I haven't done so yet. I need to in order to see if there are any job offers there. I've applied to a lot.

    I got some marijuana to help with things but I'm afraid to smoke it for fear I will have an upcoming drug test for a new job and then fail it. So, while it does help I really can't smoke it right now.

    Tomorrow I go to the psychiatrist. I am hoping he gets my meds straight so I don't have that to worry about that. I have run out of everything, all of my spares are gone now. I need to be on my meds for my psychiatric disposition. They really help.

    Right now I am living off of xanax and cigarettes to keep me sane. I have asthma so the cigarettes are beginning to be a problem. I need my psych to prescribe me my inhaler so I can continue smoking as it calms me down.

    Anyways, I will keep trying my best to obtain from heroin. I don't know when my last relapse is. My memory is terrible. Perhaps I can look through my thread and find out but I don't have the energy right now. I am thinking about maybe trying kratom but the last time i ordered it, it didn't work for me. Plus, I hate the taste. It's so nasty.

    I just want to break away from these opiate chains and move on with my life. I am almost there just a few setbacks here and there. I believe my body is screaming at me to stop seems how I am pretty unhealthy. I was sick all day yesterday and I still feel similar today. Sort of like withdrawals but not.

    To those that are struggling keep up the good fight. I know I am. I don't want to be a junkie for the rest of my life but man, heroin is the answer to everything it seems. It takes away so much of the pain I feel and anxiety and PTSD. I know it's not the answer deep down inside though. I know this.

    I'm sort of safeguarded from using right now because my syringe broke and I have no replacements and buying them around here is impossible. i usually buy over the internet but I am not going to let myself do so. I won't smoke heroin and sniffing it is impossible because it is black tar heroin. So, that respect I can't even shoot up unless I find a store willing to sell me syringes and I have no energy to go out and look for them. So this morning I was feeling weak and was happy my syringe was clogged and unable for use.

    Anyways, the subs are helping. i am not going crazy for it right now.

    I will write more later. Just thought I'd update on my feelings. I feel like I've halfway beat this monster. Just have halfway more to go. Periodic usage isn't sobriety. i want sobriety.

    marathonmel7 added 49 Minutes and 27 Seconds later...

    Just got a job offer cleaning homes. That's what I really like doing so I am anxious for an interview. He didn't say when it is but working is exactly what I need in order to stay clean. I'm hoping this pans out. Wish me luck.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    Sorry you are still feeling shitty. Being sick just sucks. Rest and keep snuggling with your dog. I look forward to seeing his picture!

    I also will be praying on that job offer. I think working will really help you. It will allow you to stay busy and put your focus elsewhere. I think working has been actually helpful during my detox. It has forced me to concentrate on work instead of on how shitty I feel, ya know?

    You are on the right track. Sobriety is not easy. It takes determination but I think you have what it takes to achieve it. If you have not read Smith's thread, you may want to. We have been discussing this whole PTSD thing and how it contributed to our drug use. Maybe it would be helpful to you?
  2. marathonmel7
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Do you have the link to the thread JD? Can you please post it?
  3. Jungledog
  4. lostlygirl
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hey Mel,

    How are you doing today? I was just thinking about you and wondering if you were feeling any better?

    How did the visit with the psychiatrist go? Were you able to get your medications refilled without too much hassle? Did he offer any advice about how to get on a sub program?

    This may be a little off topic, but when you first started this thread you were in a nursing program, and while you didn't enjoy some aspects you seemed to really enjoy learning and helping people. Have you thought about perhaps getting a degree in counseling when you are back on your feet and are doing a little better? With everything you have experienced in your life you really could help people from a place of experience. JD, Smith and I were discussing on her thread how hard it is to find a counselor who really understands both PTSD and drugs, and their relationship. You are in the unique position of understanding both. Going back to school part time may be something that could be really helpful and give you some direction. The nice thing about a counseling degree is that there is a lot less pressure. Anyway, it was just a thought.

    Enjoy the beautiful weather for me. Colorado sucks this time of year.

    Hugs,

    LG
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