Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Hey guys I don't really know how to say this and it's probably going to cost me quite a bit of support but I've been using much more than I have led on in my thread. I have been in complete denial and I didn't want to lose all of your support. I am wrong and have lied. My thread has been entirely accurate until recently when I got back out of the hospital. I slipped up and got fully back into my addition with some sobriety dates here and there. I now have to battle withdrawals again and it sucks. What sucks the most is that I've been lying to you all and partially telling the truth about my struggles. I was afraid I'd lose all of your support if you knew I relapsed yet again. I am not a liar typically but I just couldn't face my failures this time around. I was doing so good when I left the hospital and in the blink of an eye I got hooked back on the dope and here I am fighting to get off of it.
Illume I am sorry for biting your head off. I do ask that you read my entire thread though because it documents my usage over the past six months or so I think. You are right though, I am in day two of withdrawals. I apologize to you and I'm sorry I said what I said to you.
One thing i can do is admit when I am wrong. I don't expect anyone to support me after this. I was just too afraid to let everyone down when all of your support means so much. It took a friend to tell me today that I was being self righteous and not being honest and he's right. Being an addict makes you do stupid things and i thought I could control myself and beat this thing on my own without involving all of you. Stupid me.
I am so sorry for the dishonesty. If any of you still hang in there and support me I will be so happy and thankful. I know we are all strangers on the internet but I care what you people think of me and that's why I haven't wanted to admit to my regular usage. So it's back to the starting point. I am in day two of heroin withdrawals. I just had the flu on the weekends so I am not feeling very good.
I want to apologize for complaining and for not taking accountability of my own actions. I want to apologize for mixing my clean days up with my dirty days. I am a full blown heroin addict and couldn't feel worse about myself right now. Lying is a disgusting thing and it's typically the thing I obstain from doing. I have become the addict that lies now and I know I've lost credibility in this thread. All of it hasn't been a lie, just the last few weeks since i got out of the hospital and relapsed and was afraid to tell you all for fear you'd give up on me and not support me. Your support is key in my recovery. Even though you are complete strangers your words really move me and motivate me to want to do better.
So with all of this I say I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I am going through an active addiction right now. If I am lucky enough to retain your support I will be forever grateful. If not, then I understand and I will keep writing until maybe you all can see that i have beaten this monster. I am so sorry and beg for your forgiveness. Not all of it was a lie but my usage was and now I have withdrawals to combat although not all that bad with comfort meds.
I wanted people to think I could beat this thing and I was pretty sure I could alone but I can't. I have to have help. I go to the doctor today and plan on being 100% honest with him. I'm starting over and I ask that those that have been following me start over with me and I will in turn, earn my credibility. My shame and guilt and fear is what kept me from telling the truth that I was using more than i lead on to be. I want this to be a success story and I beg you all that you'll be there with me until the end.
I'm sorry. I don't deserve anyone's support. But, coming clean is a must in order to get this sorted out and started in the right way. It took a good friend to point out my shortcomings this morning and he motivated me to do the right thing and to be forward and just come clean. So I am. I am wrong. I didn't want you to see me as a failure yet again. I made some stupid errors and if I could I'd take them back.
I have had some clean days here and there in the last few weeks but not near the amount as I painted the picture to be. I have been chronically using but yet, in complete denial on this thread. You don't deserve to be mislead and I don't deserve to be in denial. It's time to get real and fight this thing and I really need all of your support in doing so. I read all of your posts and they really pick me up in my time of need since I have no family and virtually no friends. I am an isolated addict who's gotten myself in deep once again.
So just to clarify, my whole thread has been truthful until after I got out of the hospital and relapsed again. i painted the picture that I was relapsing periodically when in fact I was relapsing virtually everyday with a day here and there mixed in with no using and the using of subs.
So, this is day 2. I feel better that I've gotten this all of my chest and i expect there will be some serious repercussions from my followers which I deserve. Please understand I didn't lie to hurt you all I lied because I am in denial and I thought I could pull myself out of it before it got too deep and I had to tell you all I was failing. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I promise to be 100% accountable and truthful from here on out no matter how many relapses I go through. But the goal is to get it together today. I can't afford to lose anymore support. I'm sorry, please all forgive me and if you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and continue to support me I'd appreciate it. Some of the last few posts have been true just not all of them. I am an addict in a full blown addiction with a long ways to go. So here I start before you as truthful as one can get and say that I am sorry and it won't happen again.
marathonmel7 added 12 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...
I really need some support, please help me - Part 130