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I really need some support, please help me - Part 130

By marathonmel7 · Dec 2, 2014 · 103.3K · 8
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  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hey guys I don't really know how to say this and it's probably going to cost me quite a bit of support but I've been using much more than I have led on in my thread. I have been in complete denial and I didn't want to lose all of your support. I am wrong and have lied. My thread has been entirely accurate until recently when I got back out of the hospital. I slipped up and got fully back into my addition with some sobriety dates here and there. I now have to battle withdrawals again and it sucks. What sucks the most is that I've been lying to you all and partially telling the truth about my struggles. I was afraid I'd lose all of your support if you knew I relapsed yet again. I am not a liar typically but I just couldn't face my failures this time around. I was doing so good when I left the hospital and in the blink of an eye I got hooked back on the dope and here I am fighting to get off of it.

    Illume I am sorry for biting your head off. I do ask that you read my entire thread though because it documents my usage over the past six months or so I think. You are right though, I am in day two of withdrawals. I apologize to you and I'm sorry I said what I said to you.

    One thing i can do is admit when I am wrong. I don't expect anyone to support me after this. I was just too afraid to let everyone down when all of your support means so much. It took a friend to tell me today that I was being self righteous and not being honest and he's right. Being an addict makes you do stupid things and i thought I could control myself and beat this thing on my own without involving all of you. Stupid me.

    I am so sorry for the dishonesty. If any of you still hang in there and support me I will be so happy and thankful. I know we are all strangers on the internet but I care what you people think of me and that's why I haven't wanted to admit to my regular usage. So it's back to the starting point. I am in day two of heroin withdrawals. I just had the flu on the weekends so I am not feeling very good.

    I want to apologize for complaining and for not taking accountability of my own actions. I want to apologize for mixing my clean days up with my dirty days. I am a full blown heroin addict and couldn't feel worse about myself right now. Lying is a disgusting thing and it's typically the thing I obstain from doing. I have become the addict that lies now and I know I've lost credibility in this thread. All of it hasn't been a lie, just the last few weeks since i got out of the hospital and relapsed and was afraid to tell you all for fear you'd give up on me and not support me. Your support is key in my recovery. Even though you are complete strangers your words really move me and motivate me to want to do better.

    So with all of this I say I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I am going through an active addiction right now. If I am lucky enough to retain your support I will be forever grateful. If not, then I understand and I will keep writing until maybe you all can see that i have beaten this monster. I am so sorry and beg for your forgiveness. Not all of it was a lie but my usage was and now I have withdrawals to combat although not all that bad with comfort meds.

    I wanted people to think I could beat this thing and I was pretty sure I could alone but I can't. I have to have help. I go to the doctor today and plan on being 100% honest with him. I'm starting over and I ask that those that have been following me start over with me and I will in turn, earn my credibility. My shame and guilt and fear is what kept me from telling the truth that I was using more than i lead on to be. I want this to be a success story and I beg you all that you'll be there with me until the end.

    I'm sorry. I don't deserve anyone's support. But, coming clean is a must in order to get this sorted out and started in the right way. It took a good friend to point out my shortcomings this morning and he motivated me to do the right thing and to be forward and just come clean. So I am. I am wrong. I didn't want you to see me as a failure yet again. I made some stupid errors and if I could I'd take them back.

    I have had some clean days here and there in the last few weeks but not near the amount as I painted the picture to be. I have been chronically using but yet, in complete denial on this thread. You don't deserve to be mislead and I don't deserve to be in denial. It's time to get real and fight this thing and I really need all of your support in doing so. I read all of your posts and they really pick me up in my time of need since I have no family and virtually no friends. I am an isolated addict who's gotten myself in deep once again.

    So just to clarify, my whole thread has been truthful until after I got out of the hospital and relapsed again. i painted the picture that I was relapsing periodically when in fact I was relapsing virtually everyday with a day here and there mixed in with no using and the using of subs.

    So, this is day 2. I feel better that I've gotten this all of my chest and i expect there will be some serious repercussions from my followers which I deserve. Please understand I didn't lie to hurt you all I lied because I am in denial and I thought I could pull myself out of it before it got too deep and I had to tell you all I was failing. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I promise to be 100% accountable and truthful from here on out no matter how many relapses I go through. But the goal is to get it together today. I can't afford to lose anymore support. I'm sorry, please all forgive me and if you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and continue to support me I'd appreciate it. Some of the last few posts have been true just not all of them. I am an addict in a full blown addiction with a long ways to go. So here I start before you as truthful as one can get and say that I am sorry and it won't happen again.

    marathonmel7 added 12 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...

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  1. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    The only person you are accountable to is yourself. To beat this thing you have to be honest with yourself and be accountable to you. Every fucking day I look at the big bag of kratom and my big container of pills and I think how life would be "easier" if I had a few. And then I think that thought through...it does NOT make my life easier, hell it makes things more difficult. When taking substances, one is not fully present. It isn't living. I guess it just comes down to you deciding if you want to live alive and awake or altered and really not there. Know what I mean? It's your life and your call. Winning in this game really does come down to choice. What life do you want for yourself?

    I have told you before that I am here to support you and that hasn't changed. But I also told you I would challenge you to think about your addiction and grow. Relapse is a part of this but at some point you have to decide enough is enough. Find the strength to do this and move forward not backward.
    Jungledog, Dec 2, 2014
  2. prescriptionperil
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    I've been following your rough journey through heroin addiction. Throw away the shame and guilt from using and get proactive about sobriety. I understand how PTSD makes one want numbness. I fell into opiate addiction through chronic pain. I'm considering quitting after ten years. It's doing nada for the pain, and that nice energized feeling I got upon dabbling in pills in my youth is long gone. The pain is real.

    I worry about the cumulation of your circumstances on your psyche mixed with IV heroin. You sound clinically depressed. Are you back on your meds? Perhaps the VA will do a five day suboxone detox then you could try outpatient rehab since inpatient would infringe on working. If they use the twelve step model take what you need and leave the rest. It really SUCKS that methadone is your only option, but you might want to consider it if you view it as a tool to get your life in order. Using on top defeats the purpose. Can you speak to someone in a supervisory position regarding suboxone? When you're selling stuff, it's time to consider properly used maintenance drugs and a non archaic support system. You're forunate living near LA, as AA/NA won't be your only choice to connect with other addicts. Smart Recovery and Life Ring are two secular groups you might want to check out. Individual talk therapy, hopefully cognitive, could change your thought process making it easier to resist cravings, help your depression and PTSD. Since you're low on cash you could get paid to be part of one of the ubquitous
    studies on PTSD and the military. Usually research online clinically studies at a major hospital in your area. Particularly a teaching hospital. Look under heroin addiction studies too if interested.I pointed out some options, but only you can stop banging heroin.

    You could also consider naloxone post withdrawall. An implant that blocks the heroin high is another option.

    If anyone stopped giving you support they're immature and shallow.

    Toss the guilt and shame. We're human, thus we fuck up.

    This relapse seemed to illuminate your need for others.

    This i pad is killing me.

    Be well, Mel
    prescriptionperil, Dec 2, 2014
  3. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    ^^^ Everything she said is spot on. TURN off the negative talk and come up with a workable plan! Did you resume your depression meds?
    Jungledog, Dec 2, 2014
  4. lostlygirl
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel, I can promise you this, all of us at some point in our addictions have lied. It's just the nature of the beast. We lie to ourselves and we lie to others.

    What we fail to do is forgive ourselves. We fail to forgive ourselves for being human and for falling.

    I am going to copy for you something I wrote on Andy's thread, because I believe it:

    "You are important, mate. You are important to me. I don't give a shit if we've never met, or if we ever meet, or that it's just an online forum, or whatever crap people throw out there to suggest these relationships aren't real. I don't give one flying fuck what they think....because I have met you in my soul, Mel, right in the heart, the part of you that connects deeply with another. The place that really matters.

    You are important to me. I feel you, I feel the beauty in your soul. I feel your pain, I feel your heartbreak, and I feel your despair.

    We become a part of each other on this forum. We share our innermost selves, our darkest parts, our imperfections and our pain. We share this journey through hell.

    When your not strong, when there is nothing in your life but pain, when its all black, lean on us. We'll hold you up. We'll walk with you, my friend. We will walk with you and dry your tears."

    And, anybody that doesn't believe these relationships are not real just because we haven't met has never shared the bond of addiction. (And, for all of you that are reading (ghosting) and want to start a journal or post, we will support you, too.)

    I also completely agree with prescriptionperil's post. Re-read it.

    Hugs, Mel, And, do not ever forget your value to us.
    lostlygirl, Dec 3, 2014
  5. jennifer_k
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    How do you know when an addict is lying?

    Her lips are moving.


    That is my (failed?) attempt at humor ...

    Anyway, you lied, yeah, that's what addicts do.

    I've told you this several times now, and I'm going to tell you again because maybe at some point you will hear me, or take it differently, or consider it ...

    Go to treatment. For as long as you can. Don't think, just go. There will be professionals who can help you with many different aspects of this issue--the mental illness, the physical addiction, PTSD, the cravings, you'll get support 24-7, you'll meet peers who you can relate to, you will be in a safe place. Addiction is not just the drug. The problem is the way you think. That may sound like BS to you right now, but trust me, you will understand perfectly after you are in recovery and your thinking has changed. Then you'll be in a much better position with a solid plan and real tools you can use in everyday life and situations.
    jennifer_k, Dec 3, 2014
  6. BlondieUK
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck in maintaining your spirit. Keep that safe and the rest will follow x
    BlondieUK, Dec 3, 2014
  7. LuLu81
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Oh honey, don't worry so much about us and think of yourself. You have managed so much more than i have.

    So you've had a relapse, the important thing is, you don't want it to be permanent. Even if you take 2 steps forward, 1 step back, you will still get to the final destination in your journey towards sobriety.

    I think you've done brilliant to have made it as far as you did with no support (apart from on here).

    Hope you are feeling as well as can be expected.
    Take care
    Lu.
    LuLu81, Dec 4, 2014
  8. cren
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    What is your plan if you have relapsed?
    Where are you at in your mind about where you want to go from here.
    I know that there is always going to be unintentional lying when there is self deception and there is always self deception with addiction. There is also intentional lying but these are not really the concern. I dont think anyone is judging you although it may feel like it.
    I want to thank you for being honest and owning up. Nobody can help you if you arent honest about the situation.
    I am worried for you. I am worried that this thread is going to be a diary of an addict not a recovery journal. You need to make a plan to get free or say on a low dose to avoid withdrawals and not get high which is going to be virtually impossible
    The constant quitting relapse and withdrawal is putting you through physical and mental hell when you dont have to be and is dragging you down. If you could get into some kind of maintenance program then you can deal with your other mental health issues and your ptsd and put you in a more chemical stable condition so you can sort out your life.
    We all have to find the way that works for us but do you want to spend the rest of your life looking?
    cren, Dec 4, 2014
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