Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Hey all, day 5. Well, I am feeling better but I have no motivation to do anything at all. I woke up super early and couldn't get back to bed because of my connect. He wanted me to link him up with another, better connect for which to buy dope off of. What do I look like here… the connect to the connects?! I basically told him to fuck off, don't text me and I'm clean and I plan on staying that way. He still offered up some drugs to me in order to get this transaction underway. In no way was I tempted. I felt very strongly about my actions. Fuck heroin and connects and dealers and needles and tin foil. So dirty. I don't want a dirty life anymore.
I'm pretty bored today. Today is my day of days though since it's college football day. My team is on later today so I have that to look forward to. However, now I am so bored. I don't want to complain. I don't deserve to complain. I simply have to muster up the energy to do what needs to be done.
I still have an erratic body temperature. I seem to be pretty cold off of heroin. I was always toasty warm while high. But, I'm cold and sweaty. It's weird but I'm certain you all understand. This is not my first time going through withdrawals so I know what to expect. THis is nothing out of the ordinary and will in fact go on for days as it always does. It's the last symptom to go physically for me.
I was talking to my Mom this morning and I commented on the fact that it sucks that both me and my brother have been to jail now. She commented back that we were both all consumed in our own lives and don't think about what it has done to our parent's lives. I corrected her and reminded her that this weighs heavily upon me and I don't want to put her or my father through anything more regarding this addiction. So, I feel badly today. I guess I can't imagine what all of this has done to the family. Our family is so segregated anyway. I haven't talked to my brother since I got back from Iraq. I will probably never talk to him again because of the things he said to me upon my return from combat.
Christmas is coming and I won't be with my family unfortunately. None of us can afford to fly anywhere. So, this is probably the most depressing time of year being a junkie. It's safe to say I will be holed up in my house for the holidays, alone with my dog. Not the highlight of my year. Then, New Year's my favorite holiday will be here and there won't be anything to celebrate. Just perhaps my sobriety. 2015 = no heroin.
Anyways, just thinking out loud. I miss the old days when my family was together and we celebrated the holidays together. We used to have a lot of fun. But my parents divorced when I was 15 and that really screwed up my brother and I. I don't want to talk to much about that though. I'm sure I've probably mentioned it in my long ass thread already. I need to re-read this massive thread to make sure i don't repeat the information.
Anyways, that's all for today. I hope the rest of the gang is doing well on here. Lostly, Jungledog, Smith, Tryhard, Cren and to all others that I have missed. I wish you guys all well. This shit isn't easy.
marathonmel7 added 17 Minutes and 42 Seconds later...
Oh yeah and I'm having the worst shoulder pain ever. It is this piercing nerve pain. My first instinct was to coordinate with someone for norco. I can't lift my arm hardly at all. I have no idea what happened. But the pain is piercing. I have bulging discs in my back too as I have mentioned in previous posts so I too, share the chronic pain problem. I used to be on all sorts of pills, fentanyl, morphine, and various other things. Anyways, I never had a problem with the pills just the heroin.
Anyways, I will just deal with the pain. I may need to go to the doctor's though for something that helps with nerve pain perhaps gabapentin will help. You never know. Anyhow, I can't get comfortable. It's annoying and I know the chronic pain sufferers know what I am speaking about. I don't really care if I take a pill here and there. I have no issue with them. It's just the heroin I can't handle. i get strung out and bad and quick. I miss the pain killing properties of heroin. It controls my pain the best but it's not a reasonable way of managing chronic pain. In fact, it is quite ridiculous to view heroin in this light. Not answer to chronic pain although I know some people that use it for that and that's how I started on the shit. Dirty, dirty black tar heroin. Disgusting. Ugh.
marathonmel7 added 3 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...
Thanks again to those that are still supporting me. I have acknowledged my lying before and I still feel very bad about it. You all have been faithful to me in my time of need. I am getting to know some of you quite well. Especially, Cren… you've been so thoughtful and helpful and supportive. Thank you all for your never-ending support. I don't really deserve it.
marathonmel7 added 2 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...
Just took a xanax. I feel anxious and uncomfortable. I'm hoping it helps my shoulder pain too by calming me down. Now, off to smoke my cig. Slowly, I will blow this habit too.
marathonmel7 added 2 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...
I think I will go buy some tiger balm. I've used that before and sometimes it can help. We'll see. Whatever. Stupid drama that I don't need in my life right now. I don't have time for aches and pains or debilitating pain. Nope, no time for all that. Ok, off I go. No afterthoughts.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 133