Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Day 13, almost two weeks, fuck yeah!
Well, last night was incredibly difficult. I had some unrelenting cravings. There weren't any triggers. My body just felt so out of whack and I craved a different head space. I wanted to feel the warm opiate blanket. I've been so cold throughout this detox. I know part of it is because I am so thin. Once I put my muscle back on I will be warmer. I've been so cold sleeping at night. I live in California as I have mentioned before so it's not cold here per say. In the 50's at night.
I am not sleeping well. I am cold at night in my bed and I'm having nightmares again. My dreams are all about my deployments to Iraq. I wake up thinking I'm in a combat zone. I'm hypervigilent. My heart beats hard and fast, I often awake with tears in my eyes. I never cry. But, in my sleep I manage to muster up some tears. I constantly think about the mistakes I made over there and the results of my actions. Death. Life. My responsibilities, successes, failures. I will never forgive myself for some events that happened over there. I should have done better. I was the leader, a Captain. It's been 4 years since I was over there but it doesn't feel like it. I still feel like I'm over there, a part of me is. A part of me died there. I came back traumatized. I got in bed and stayed there for months. I was in a relationship with an amazing man at the time, ended up getting engaged but I ended things because I was too withdrawn and miserable to handle a relationship. I regret it to this day. I let a good man go. But, he deserved better. This was all prior to my addiction. It took me months and months to get out of bed and get back in the game of life. That is when I met my next partner, the love of my life and the man that introduced me to heroin.
We fell in love so fast and so hard. We were together every waking moment. I moved in with him shortly after we met which was quite an adjustment. I struggled with it at first. Lots of resistance on my end but nothing but love on his end. Everything was amazing for the first six months. He was on suboxone and I was taking opiates for pain management, never abusing any of my meds.
Six months into the relationship my ex decided he wanted off of suboxone. I supported his decision but honestly, didn't understand the gravity of the situation or the ramifications. I didn't see the storm coming and man oh man did it come. The shortened version is this, he got so sick withdrawing from the suboxone and immediately had cravings for heroin and so he relapsed. That was the start of the demise of our relationship. I believe I've covered some of this in my journal already so I won't go into details. I apologize if I am repeating myself. I have a very poor memory so I don't remember what all I've shared and I don't have the time to re-read my journal right now. So, I'm sorry if this is redundant but it's what's on my mind right now so I am speaking from the heart and expelling the thoughts that are pervading my mind.
Anyways, we've been broken up for three years now I believe. He has been sober for two years and is making a lot of money in his career. His life is almost perfect, mine is in shambles. I kind of hold some resentment towards him but ultimately, it's my addiction and only I can fix it. I can't blame him. I have made peace with him about it but I will never ever involve someone else in my addiction as in if I am actively using. So, with that being said, since I am newly sober I've decided to try dating. What the hell right? I need to get out and meet new people. I realize I am fragile right now and I have a lot of cleaning up to do in my own life but I want to meet people. I'm not looking for love right now, just new friendships and if something evolves into a relationship then rock on. But, whatever happens it has to be slow. Also, I am going to make sure that the person knows exactly where I'm at in my life right now. I feel like I want to open myself up. I've been so reclusive and segregated from society. I want to open up the walls of my heart and try to love myself and try to laugh and love someone else. There are many different kinds of love. I am not sure what level of love I am ready for in my life but I yearn for friendship right now and there is LOVE in FRIENDSHIP.
So, with that being said. I have a new male friend coming over tonight. We've been talking all week and I'm really excited to meet him. He's gorgeous, a bit younger than me and from Israel I believe. We have similar values, he's been nothing but a gentleman, very intelligent and humorous. He already knows about my addiction and that I am very recently sober. He's very understanding. I am really excited. I haven't been this excited in a while but I'm nervous too. I am very shy as is he. So, this should be interesting. He knows where I'm at emotionally and has pure intentions. I can't wait. I have no expectations. I just want and wish for human connection. So, that's that I will of course, let you all know how it goes. I'm ready, game face on haha.
Well, I suppose I've taken enough of everyone's time. I just felt like sharing my thoughts today. I am happy today. It's the first day I've felt happy! It feels really good. I am just slowly putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.
I also got a good job offer today cleaning a family's home for three days a week. I was offered very good money to do so and i'm looking forward to meeting the family and seeing there home before I commit to them as their housekeeper. I love to clean houses so this is pretty awesome. It came at a perfect time too. I feel as though my soul is finally seeping through my body spilling over into my new world. It wants out. I want to break the walls down and break free from the chains. My life as a heroin addict is over. Fuck heroin and addiction. I refuse to remain a junkie. I have never felt stronger about it and I'm making it happen this very moment.
Thank you to all that are supporting me. I honestly couldn't do it without you guys. You really all are a source of inspiration to me and you're all struggling just like I am but I see the light and so do you all. Together we are all doing it. JD, lostlygirl, Mr. Bumble, Smith, Cren, Kitts, Tryhard and Mono and to anyone else I have missed. We are ultra powerful. This is powerful. So, thank you so much for walking this tight rope with me. Such a delicate journey.
I wish you all a good day. Keep kicking ass. Feel the emotion, embrace it and nourish it. I've planted a seed within my soul and I plan to let it grow, hour by hour, day by day.
Have a good day everyone.
All the best,
Oh and right now the song I am singing is Black by Pearl Jam, such an amazing song. A long time favorite.
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All of five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she was
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinning, oh,
I'm spinning, how quick the sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...
Uh huh... uh huh... ooh...
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky,
But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?
Too doo doo too, too doo doo [many times until fade]
I really need some support, please help me - Part 140