I really need some support, please help me - Part 146

By marathonmel7 · Dec 18, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Well all it's Day 17. Fucking sweet. Thanks everyone for the nice messages. I'm looking forward to day 30, I'm over halfway there. Things just keep getting better and better. I haven't returned my dealer's texts and he's still at it. I guess he'll get tired eventually. Persistent mother fucker. He'll figure this all out eventually. My life with heroin is all over although I will say this morning I was struggling. I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion both physically manifesting sexually and then emotionally. It freaked me out. I can take care of one of those issues but the other, the emotion is what I don't know how to take care yet. I am learning. I had a brief feeling of missing heroin. Just because it dulls all the emotions and you don't have to deal with them. Now, I have to deal with all of them and wow… overwhelming especially when another person is brought into it, that person being the guy I'm dating right now. So many questions, how to act, what to say, how much to say, how physical do you get, what's the right time. I have no answers. Do I just follow my heart with life? I've never been one to do so, I follow my brain. But my brain is calloused. I am jaded. I have to relearn everything it seems. Does anyone feel that way?

    Sobriety, although amazing in and of itself is sure a stressful event. Just when you think you've got it, you realize you're a poor little puppy inside desperately needing love and affection. It's confusing. I am confused on just how to act. Do I just be myself or do I put up the front? How vulnerable do you allow yourself to get? I don't have answers to these questions. I am just taking it all day by day. And wow is all I've got to say.

    I don't know if anyone understands what I'm talking about. Perhaps I don't make sense. I just feel like I have to take a step back and digest all of this. I've got all these emotions and I don't like them. They are uncomfortable and stabbing. I suppose I will figure it all out. Hope I have a partner to help assist me in this. Not saying I need to rely on someone cause I don't but it'd be nice to have a positive role model for which to study and take notes off of. Perhaps, not feeling alone can help. I don't know.

    I am in circles today. Happy and confused. A tornado of emotions and physical wants and desires.

    It's good to see the opiate R&A journals are doing so good. We've all got a nice team. I attribute my success to all of you and it's so nice to see you all following in my footsteps. We've got this. Thanks for your support everyone.

    Now, I've got to calm myself down. Xanax and cigs. Need to get my head straight.


    "Somewhere I Belong"

    (When this began)
    I had nothing to say
    And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
    (I was confused)
    And I let it all out to find
    That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
    (Inside of me)
    But all that they can see the words revealed
    Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
    (Nothing to lose)
    Just stuck, hollow and alone
    And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

    [Chorus]
    I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
    I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
    (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
    I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
    I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
    Somewhere I belong

    And I’ve got nothing to say
    I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
    (I was confused)
    Looking everywhere only to find
    That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
    (So what am I)
    What do I have but negativity
    ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
    (Nothing to lose)
    Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
    And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

    [Repeat Chorus]

    I will never know myself until I do this on my own
    And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
    I will never be anything till I break away from me
    I will break away, I'll find myself today

    [Repeat Chorus]

    I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
    I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
    Somewhere I belong

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hey Mel-

    Just a quick mention: those "uncomfortable, dozens of "feelings" you're now facing are all part of the rehabilitation process. We all get high to escape feelings we'd rather not deal with, and from the stress--and life is as equally stressful as it is beautiful--as you already know. And although we escape those feelings, temporarily, when we do get high and go on a run, there is a bookmark in the spot we left which we must return to and learn from in order to fully cope with real life, once we stop running from our demons.

    That's why it's important to drum up all the courage you have (and I know you have courage) to dig and to get to the bottom of what's really eating at you, and get to know the monsters in your personal closet by name.

    Only then, by yourself or more readily with the help of a counselor, will you find real peace, the kind that keeps us each together and strong, even fully sober. Kill your monsters, one by one, Mel, and you'll find the peace you are looking for. Of course, those kind of changes and challenges of spirit take time and patience, which to me is the most daunting but doable aspect of getting off of drugs. Your have to be passionate for sobriety and it'll find you, and you it.

    Congrats again on your clean-time. It's a beautiful thing, lady.

    ~Peace, my friend~
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