Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Day 18, almost didn't make it through the night. I was having awful cravings last night and then I ended up going to bed. I had a dream about one of my friends that I lost in Iraq. That friend saved my life over there and then I watched him burn up from an IED. I couldn't save him. It's destroyed me for years. I learned so much from him. He was an amazing person. We trained together for months and then it all ended in one firefight. I had a nightmare about him, woke up and just wanted to say fuck it all and use. It was tough. I had no one to talk to. Such disturbing images. Things I don't ever wish for anyone to see. Things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Anyways, I took 2mg of suboxone. I know I shouldn't have but it was either that or use dope. I had to go for my safety net and sure enough it worked.
I am in the absolute worst mood today. I'm outside, chain smoking, drinking coffee wishing death upon people. Just took some xanax. Have to go into work today for a few hours and train in a fucking suit which I hate. I am a vans, chucks and tee and tank kind of chick. I don't like the corporate America kind of look. I'm already running late. I just don't care. Can't get my mind right. It's sunny and I want rain. I need some support today. It's gonna be a tough day. I'm supposed to see my new guy later. That is the only thing I'm looking forward to. He seems to keep my mind off of the negativity. I don't want to involve him in my crap though. Not too much anyways.
Anyways, I have to get showered for work and stuff. Just thought I'd update really quick. Sobriety isn't all roses for sure. My streak of happiness got disrupted big time last night. I'm gonna need some time to rebound from this. PTSD is no joke. Oh and I've decided to come off of my psych meds. I don't want to be on them. They aren't helping me sleep and they have long term side effects and I can't remember anything. I want my memory back. Heroin and my meds has really damaged the receptors in my brain and I want my brain to heal. Plus, I don't want to go to the VA anymore. Those fuckers just want me on methadone and I don't believe in it. I've done methadone before and it's just a dirty drug for people that can't separate themselves from opiates. Not my cup of tea. And no disrespect to those that are on it. It for me is a cop out. Suboxone is too but for me personally, its the lesser of two evils. I don't plan on using subs again. I see my probation officer in January and I cannot be on anything that's not prescribed or I go to jail. So, last night was it for me. Not using that again.
Anyways, I will write more most likely later when I get back off of work. Maybe then I will be more positive. Take care all.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 147