I really need some support, please help me - Part 147

By marathonmel7 · Dec 19, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 18, almost didn't make it through the night. I was having awful cravings last night and then I ended up going to bed. I had a dream about one of my friends that I lost in Iraq. That friend saved my life over there and then I watched him burn up from an IED. I couldn't save him. It's destroyed me for years. I learned so much from him. He was an amazing person. We trained together for months and then it all ended in one firefight. I had a nightmare about him, woke up and just wanted to say fuck it all and use. It was tough. I had no one to talk to. Such disturbing images. Things I don't ever wish for anyone to see. Things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Anyways, I took 2mg of suboxone. I know I shouldn't have but it was either that or use dope. I had to go for my safety net and sure enough it worked.

    I am in the absolute worst mood today. I'm outside, chain smoking, drinking coffee wishing death upon people. Just took some xanax. Have to go into work today for a few hours and train in a fucking suit which I hate. I am a vans, chucks and tee and tank kind of chick. I don't like the corporate America kind of look. I'm already running late. I just don't care. Can't get my mind right. It's sunny and I want rain. I need some support today. It's gonna be a tough day. I'm supposed to see my new guy later. That is the only thing I'm looking forward to. He seems to keep my mind off of the negativity. I don't want to involve him in my crap though. Not too much anyways.

    Anyways, I have to get showered for work and stuff. Just thought I'd update really quick. Sobriety isn't all roses for sure. My streak of happiness got disrupted big time last night. I'm gonna need some time to rebound from this. PTSD is no joke. Oh and I've decided to come off of my psych meds. I don't want to be on them. They aren't helping me sleep and they have long term side effects and I can't remember anything. I want my memory back. Heroin and my meds has really damaged the receptors in my brain and I want my brain to heal. Plus, I don't want to go to the VA anymore. Those fuckers just want me on methadone and I don't believe in it. I've done methadone before and it's just a dirty drug for people that can't separate themselves from opiates. Not my cup of tea. And no disrespect to those that are on it. It for me is a cop out. Suboxone is too but for me personally, its the lesser of two evils. I don't plan on using subs again. I see my probation officer in January and I cannot be on anything that's not prescribed or I go to jail. So, last night was it for me. Not using that again.

    Anyways, I will write more most likely later when I get back off of work. Maybe then I will be more positive. Take care all.

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Last night is over. Gone. Today you need the money the job offers. Go. Try your best. That's all anyone can ask you to do. Go, Mel.

    And write later.
  2. Mr Bumble
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    I will never know what it's like see a friend die in war but I do know what it is like to lose the most special person to me ever. He caught a brain infection from injecting and rotted away to nothing till he couldn't even speak, i still can't think of him without bursting into tears like I am now. I found out he was dead while I was half way through my last detox. It's all detailed in the pages before these. I couldn't face it and spent another year on the gear. But I know that's not the life he would want for me and I know your friend wouldn't want it for you.
    Only you know whether coming of the meds and fucking off the VA is the right thing to do but you know that your friend and comrade would want you to find happiness and peace. And you know you want it to or you wouldnt have put in all the hard work you have getting as far as you have.

    My ex brought my daughter round to see me today, we were playing and I just had this thought of how much i wanted Eduardo to meet her and I burst into tears in front of her. It's nothing like PTSD I guess but I hurt and bad, but this time I'm not going to mask it with drugs. Your doing so fucking well with so much to deal with, throw the suboxon and change your number, delete all your dealers numbers

    A friend of mine who is an ex addict once said to me that those of us with addiction problems who continue to fight them are Life Warriors, if you fought in iraq then your a true warrior to, nows the time to fight, for happiness, life
  3. lostlygirl
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel,

    I just wrote you a lovely long post from my phone, which then froze and deleted it...Ggggggrrrr.....

    Anyway, the gist of it was to stay strong because the drug is throwing everything at you that it has, that I am so sorry to hear about your friend that died and I can't imagine how awful that is would be. Nightmares and reliving it would be horrific.

    And, details on the date tonight for us romantic oldies, please!!

    Sorry about the condensed version of the post, but I have to go get my kids.

    Love to you girl and stay strong. I am proud of you.
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