I really need some support, please help me - Part 166

By marathonmel7 · Jan 5, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 34… warning… bitchy post ahead!

    I had the worst night last night. I didn't sleep for shit and I'm in major pain. My back is at an 8/10 and you better believe I am taking something for it. I just took two hydrocodone for it. I am hoping it takes the edge off. If not, I'm going into the ER for an injection if possible. I can't work like this today. It's one of those days and this is not a relapse. This is a necessity. Hydrocodone does NOT give my ANY high whatsoever. I was a 1-2 gram of heroin a day addict and hydro's don't do shit for me in fact, oxy doesn't even give me a buzz. No pill gives me a buzz so don't think I'm looking for one. I had way too heavy of a habit before in my life for pills to do anything for me. It is what it is today. I need surgery but I don't have anyone here to take care of me for the six months needed for recovery. And I don't trust the VA doctors with my spine! So, it's the situation that it is. I just live with it. Once I start working out again I will have less pain and I intend to start this week. I'm still recovering from a very bad cold or flu whichever it was. I want my body 100% before I throw myself back into the gym especially since I have company flying in this weekend. I don't want to be sick or sore.

    I had nightmares and flashbacks last night. Sick fucking shit. I woke up crying which I don't believe I can even recall the last time I cried. I don't cry. My grandma died in September and I didn't even cry. So, I am like a rock.

    Anyways, I hate sleeping alone. It sucks. I feel like if I was in a relationship and I slept with someone regularly I'd feel safer and sleep better. I don't know. I used to sleep better with my ex three years ago. Someday again I will have that special someone. Until then, it's my dog and you better believe me I grab and hug the shit out of him until he gets annoyed and moves on the other side of me. haha

    Anyways, I feel like i got mangled in a car accident last night. It's unreal how I can go from feeling the way I did yesterday to today in 12 hours. Fuck. Those that have chronic pain understand. I know you all do.

    As far as the DUI classes go, there is absolutely no talk of drugs and alcohol contrary to what one may think. It's actually growing on me. It's therapeutic class with a lot of group discussion and moving around. I am a very CLOSED person so it's taking me some getting used to. I DO NOT talk in public. So the instructor is having a tough time pulling things out of me but I am halfway complying. The people are nice in there. I am the only one left with a license and the only drug addict in there. Everyone else in an alcoholic. Fun. I don't really understand alcoholics as my father is one and I don't get the concept of drowning oneself in poison that makes you hungover and sick in the morning. Drugs I get, they make you feel good. Anyways, no judgment on alcoholics. They do their thing, I do mine. Anyways, it's a positive thing. It's something new to do and it gets me out of the house and amongst people which is a new thing for me. So I believe it's a good thing and other than having to pay for the damn thing, I believe it's positive and I now no longer mind going.

    I hope everyone has a good Monday. Today is my first day of work as I mentioned previously and I don't know what I'm doing which doesn't make me feel so good. Hopefully, my coworkers can help me as I go along. We'll see. I will do my best. That's all I can do. Just lots of coffee in hand and I will be good.

    Alright, off to smoke my morning cigarette and enjoy my coffee. My eyes really hurt. I need to try and adjust them to the light. I hate light. I am a night person. A vampire if you will :)

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    I understand the nightmares and the loneliness. The Cymbalta has reduced my nightmares these past 2 weeks. Lexapro didn't. My husband's arms treat them better than anything by far. I wish they would just stop but after 30 years I have accepted that they probably won't. They are certainly less frequent though with time.

    I also understand the pain issue and I honestly think I will be returning to using oxycodone at some point. One or two also do not get me high...I was taking more than that. I was also using it to numb up emotional shit not just my physical pain. It comes down to being honest with yourself. We addicts are good at manipulating the truth and we hurt ourselves most. Opiates used appropriately are not the problem. The issue is being honest and keeping control. I think both are possible but am more than aware that most people would disagree. I have never had any substance issues before in my life and if I keep my depression treated it should stay that way. Each of us needs to find our path.

    Hope you feel better soon. Love to you.
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