I really need some support, please help me - Part 170

By marathonmel7 · Jan 6, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 35, another shitty wake up. I didn't sleep well and my back is fucked up and I'm having trouble with my vision every morning, new symptom. I'm going to get some eye drops today. I think that's the solution.

    I don't feel like writing a lot. I have to work 2-9 today in heels and on my feet. Therefore, I took some hydrocodone. It was necessary. I don't plan on taking anymore however. Just got to get through today.

    Hope everyone is good. I am sucking down the coffee and about to smoke. So have a good day. I am not pleasant and therefore I will save everyone my bad attitude. After all, this should be a positive place. I am not in that place right now but damn happy I haven't resorted to heroin for chronic pain as I've done in the past.

    Best wishes all. Another day...

Comments

  1. BeachWalk
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel,
    Anyone who is forced to wear high heels for 7 hours should automatically be given hydrocodone. But seriously, the good news is that you are off heroin. HUGE accomplishment. Congratulations.
  2. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    It's funny. You and I are tuned in this week. I feel the same way that I should post happy here...that it is my job to post happy here! That people need the positive from me but you know what? Sometimes I don't have happy to give and perhaps keeping it real is important too.

    When the whole definition of "clean" came up, I struggled with it. Why? Because I knew with my chronic pain, I wasn't going to realistically be able to live my life clean. I did though decide that for ME, this is again just my humble opinion about myself, I need to manage my pain in some way. That means I will probably still take opiates and kratom. The key though is that I NOT alter my level of consciousness. This is a very grey and very fine line that is easily crossed. I am VERY, VERY aware of this as I think you are too and there will be many who argue the point but chronic pain and addiction are a bitch...a bitch with few damned options.

    I think the person I need to be most honest with is myself and surprisingly the easiest person to lie to is myself! We all tell ourselves that just one wouldn't hurt, that we don't have a problem, that kratom or hydrocodone is the lesser evil. But I also think it can be done...that honesty is achievable...difficult but doable. I have been injured for a very long time and have had access to opiates for a long, long time. It wasn't until my depression got out of control (something I have had issues with several times) that the drug misuse happened. I know the key to keeping control of the drugs for me is keeping control of my depression. Involving my NP, my doctor, my husband, and now a psychiatrist plus knowing fucking up will strip me of my license should keep me on track. It is complicated but it isn't impossible to manage. Kratom really does take that edge off and I really do believe it is the lesser of two evils. For you, a hydrocodone is certainly the lesser evil...as long as it leads you away and not towards the heroin, right? Tough stuff. What I worry about though is taking ANY oxycodone. That frightens me and I have thought about it today.
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