I really need some support, please help me - Part 184

By marathonmel7 · Jan 25, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 50… wow seems like such a long time but man I still have a lot of work ahead of me. But, holy shit 50 days is a lot to me. I haven't had this much sobriety in three years.

    Well, I went to work yesterday and only managed to be able to be there for three hours. My boss took one look at me and told me to go home. I stayed home today too. i am so weak and sick. I've battled a fever all week. The doctor prescribed me that medicine which he wants me to take five times a day and it's 800mg. That's insane. I can't hardly tolerate 800mg. There is no replacement so I have to take it. I'm just taking 1-2 pills a day. I have never felt so rundown except when I was deployed to Iraq and working 36 hours at a time. Today I just laid in bed all day and drifted in and out of sleep. I have no energy at all and the shingles hurt and itch. They are healing though pretty fast considering how bad they are. They are all scabbed now and I'm just being really careful with them. Luckily they haven't spread. I have a few on my back and one on my stomach but they are mostly unilateral from my ribs to my back. It's a band of them. My boss told me to get my thyroid checked so I'm going to go back to the doctor sometime next week and have them do more blood work. I want to find out why I'm so ill. I also want to find out what I can do to get healthier in terms of my PTSD. I need medication to be able to sleep. I'm using xanax now but I'd like to be back on seroquel because it did help me sleep. Not as good as xanax but it did help. I just have to research doctors in my area. The VA doctors aren't any help.

    I've been having some pretty wicked cravings for heroin. It sucks. I know it's just because I'm sick and heroin always makes me feel better. I just gotta deal with it though. I don't think the cravings will ever go away or either that or it's just too soon in my sobriety. Hopefully, someday I can be "free" of them.

    So, today I got some good news. A recruiter that gets veterans jobs called me after getting my resume. He is extremely impressed with my qualifications but was clueless as to why I've been out of work for the last three years. So, I had to tell him about my recent arrest and my addiction. I was super honest with him and told him just how bad my life has gotten. He feels that he can find me a job with a 3 billion dollar company that's looking for people like me with my qualifications and education. He knows the owner personally and is going to talk to him and try to set me up with an interview. The pay is very good and I would be able to catch up financially and live comfortably again. The problem is the background check and whether or not this guy will accept the fact that I got arrested and have two misdemeanors on my record. I'm crossing my fingers. If I can just get the interview I know I can get the job. I've always gotten every job I've interviewed for. I am very strong when it comes to presenting myself and my qualifications and education. So, please have some hope for me. I have to redo some things on my resume this weekend and email it to my recruiter who will then call the owner of the company and try and set up an interview. I really hope this works out. I am in desperate need of a career again. i need to get back up on my feet and back in the game of life making the money I deserve and living a happy, fulfilling life. Things are slowly getting better.

    I am looking forward to this weekend. My new "friend" or whatever you want to call him is coming to visit me this weekend. He's staying with me Saturday to Sunday. We are going to go out Saturday night to Hollywood and have some fun. I really like him and he really likes me. I feel like I know a lot about him. We've spent hours and I do mean HOURS on the phone the last two weeks. But, of course, that doesn't mean you know someone. I am not naive. But, I'm excited. This guy is everything I want in a potential partner. Everything. So far, so good. He's so intelligent too. So, this weekend will be a lot of fun. Can't wait.

    Some bad news though is my very best female friend who I deployed with and have had intimate relationship with is deploying to Afghanistan. This makes me incredibly angry and upset. I don't want her there and I'm going to worry immensely. I hate that we are still fighting this stupid, fucking war and the worst part about it is, people in the US don't even care. They are oblivious to it all. But, I digress. I can't get into it too much or I will go off and you all will think I'm crazy if you don't already.

    Anyways, I'm going to go get some more rest. I have to clean and do laundry tomorrow to get ready for my "friend." I don't know what to call him on here. I guess I could use his real name, he doesn't care but I'd rather keep him anonymous. So, for now I will just say "friend or potential partner."

    Hope everyone else is well. I will try and catch up on some threads later tonight or tomorrow. I have just been too sick to do anything. Literally, too sick to get out of bed. I am so run down. I'm worried about feeling well enough this weekend for my friend but he understands. So, even if we just spend the whole time talking then it will be good. I can't wait.

    marathonmel7 added 1299 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...

    Day 51 and I'm freaking the fuck out. My guy is traveling almost two hours to be with me this weekend. His two friends are also meeting him here. They got a condo for the night and invited me to stay. So, you wanna know just how fucked up I am in the head well here goes… I talked to my guy and told him just how I'm feeling. See in Iraq I got mortared in a building and got trapped and was almost burned alive. Ever since that experience I have to be in a place where I fully understand the layout of the building, entrances, exits, bathrooms, security, etc. I walk into every building I go into whether it be the grocery story or the convenience store and I tactically clear the room as I was trained in the army. I do this without even noticing it sometimes. Well tonight we are going out to hollywood a very busy place with lots of people and I don't do well in crowds and I have to understand the layout of a building and be able to tactically clear it mentally in my head. I have to sit facing the entrance or exit or I cannot function. I will have a panic attack. I also cannot be enclosed by a lot of people or I will have a public meltdown. So, tonight I talked to my guy and told him about this which I had mentioned to him previously. i don't want his friends thinking I'm some kind of psychotic weirdo that can't handle a nice night out on the town. i am not comfortable at all and really don't want to go. I know once I get there and I get a drink or two I will be ok along with the xanax I just took but I'm really fucking struggling here. I don't know what to do. He wants me to stay the night at the condo but I want to stay the night at my house so I am going to go home after the festivities. He can come here if he wants that's up to him. I just don't want to be somewhere I am not comfortable. So i asked him to send me the link to the place we are going so I can study it ahead of time and know what I am getting into. I know I am insane but this is what ptsd does to you and I can no longer carry a gun because I got arrested. I had to sell mine. I've carried since I was 21.

    I feel awkward socially even though I'm a really fucking cool chick. I'm just struggling right now and don't know how I'm going to get through tonight. I'm scared I will have a panic attack or I will get stuck or his friends will judge me. My guy understands all of this and is trying to make the night as easy on me as possible and if I don't feel comfortable then we will just leave he said. So, I'm taking a heavy dose of xanax and will have a drink and hopefully make it through the night. Just wish me luck. This is the first time I've been open about this on this forum. This is just 10% of the problems I deal with socially and now that I'm sober I am having a really hard time adjusting to normal life and people and things. So, tonight is the ultimate challenge.

    Anyways, wish me luck. I can only do what I can do. If it isn't right, I'm getting in my car and coming home. it isn't worth me having a public meltdown in front of him and his friends.

Comments

  1. BeachWalk
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Do what makes you most comfortable on EVERY level. I can't even imagine what you went through in Iraq but I do know people w/PTSD from the military and it is damn serious. You need to do what is best for you. Right now you have to be a little selfish for your own sanity and self-preservation. It just takes time to heal.

    PS - Kudos to you for being honest and communicative with him. You told him how you were feeling and that is really healthy.
  2. alwayshighkris
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Only time will tell if this is all too soon for you, Mel. But I do believe that one can be newly recovered and begin a relationship slowly and with great care. And that does seem to be what you are doing. Have some fun. Enjoy the times you two are together. Like you said, he understands and is very supportive, so enjoy. If anyone can do it, you can.
    Very sad to hear of your female friend that is being deployed. I ignorantly thought all deployment was at an end. So very sorry to hear that it has hit home for you like this. I do pray that she and all others will be kept as safe as possible and that they may return whole in body and spirit. Keep us posted on the latest with you girl, Kris.
  3. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    I do the same thing. If I am in a crowd with men, I note where each one is and pay attention to any negative vibe. I need to know where the exit is and I will use alcohol in social situations to cope with fear.

    It sounds like you are coping as best you can. I still think a SNRI could really help you. I am glad though that your friend is understanding and supportive. Let us know how you did.
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