Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Hey all thanks for your responses. Yes, my best friend is headed over to Afghanistan and i'm fucking livid about it. She and I deployed together the first time to Iraq and she is just as fucked up as I am. She just informed me that she has to take four shots of vodka to function just to go to work every morning. Ididn't realize her alcoholism had progressed so badly since I was so all consumed in my heroin addiction. So, now we are talking everyday. She isn't doing too well and I fear for her safety and overall mind state. She's been suicidal and is now taking different SSRI's to combat that along with some benzos. She is merely existing which is what I was doing for the last three years. She and I are like one soul. We hurt the very same way. I don't know what to do for her. She leaves Feb 5 for 9 months. I don't know what to do for her. This is going to mess her up even more.
As far as I am concerned this weekend was quite interesting. I was able to go out in Hollywood with my guy and his friends although his friends went to different bars and my guy and I stayed in a more low key place so we could be comfortable and talk and stuff. I only had one drink really which was enough. i don't like to drink. It messes my body up and I feel like shit. But it was enough to take away the major anxiety and get me to a level where I could function semi-normally in public. He was the most compassionate person I've ever been around. He totally took care of me in every way and was sensitive to my issues making me feel so much more safe than I've felt in years. He kept making comments about my smile. I haven't smiled like that in years. My cheeks hurt by the time he left Sunday.
He stayed the night at my house and we stayed up all night. It was nice. I haven't been close to someone in a very long time and it was a truly intimate experience holding hands and cuddling and all the things that go with a normal relationship which I haven't experienced in a very long time. Our feelings are pretty mutual for each other and we are on the same page. I don't even feel like i have to say anything to him he just reads my emotions. It's insane really. The only bad thing about this is it's going to be a long distance relationship meaning I can only see him once a week because of his work schedule. That part sucks. I hate long distance and did it a lot in my military career. Always saying hello and then leaving, it's like the revolving door of suck. Here i am, now I'm gone. Those 24 hours went by so fast. I was so sad when he left. I haven't wanted someone in my life like this for a long time and now i have it and it is pretty fucking amazing. I just don't want to screw it up. But, all my dirty laundry has been aired and he pretty much doesn't have any issues. So, we can balance each other out.
It was awkward as he was looking over my hands and my arms and saw my bruises and tracks from my heroin usage. These things haven't gone away and are a dead giveaway to my past. It's shameful to me. Plus, I went through a cutting stage and he saw some of that as well. Try explaining that. It's tough. My life has been nothing but inner turmoil and I'm ready for it to stop. Now that I am sober I recognize all of my issues and I see what needs to be fixed I just don't know how about going into that. I don't know if getting back on meds is the solution. I need something though because i cannot function normally. I feel like shit every morning i wakeup. I don't sleep. I can't eat mostly cause my anxiety and what not. It's a chore.
I am completely unbalanced. I need some normalcy. I felt balanced as a heroin addict. I could cope. But now I don't have that in my life so I have to figure out how to cope without it and I need some major help. I've done hours and hours of therapy, hypnosis, CBT, and various other crap to help with my PTSD and it did not serve any purpose. THere's so much of my life I wish I could erase and re-write. So much. But, then I wouldn't be the person I am currently so I don't know.
Today is day 52 and yet I still feel like I'm back peddling. I don't know. I am so confused. I know it takes more time than this. I just don't have the answers on what to do and my trust in doctors is not good. I don't really have the money to see civilian doctors right now but they are who I need to see. The VA is not doing me any good at all. Not one bit. And they place so much limitations on my meds because I was a junkie for so long with two suicide attempts. So, there is no trust there. They can't seem to understand that I don't abuse medication. Just heroin. To them they don't understand addiction. I'm not a poly addict.
Anyways, I've written quite a lot and nothing makes sense from it all. My mind is scrambled. I just want to be asleep. I don't want to work or do anything. Just sit around. I have no motivation at all. I slept intermittently last night waking with dreams and then having an erratic body temperature and whatnot. I just want to be able to fall asleep like a normal person and wake up feeling refreshed. But, I don't sleep. I usually go two days without it. It's hard to function like that. It ramps up my anxiety, clouds my brain, causes my back to hurt more and various other issues occur. I don't know. I really don't know. I just wish I could shed the shell of my body and be re-born into another person with a healthier life. I have to change myself though. There's no magic cocoon I can crawl into and then transform into a butterfly. But, I know having this guy around will help me out considerably. He made me feel really good for the time that he was here. I need people in my life for sure. i Can't go at this alone. It's not feasible.
Anyways, that's it. My mind is done and I have to go lay down. I need to reboot, reprocess and relax. I feel like a fucking terrorist right now.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 185