Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
So, i feel like a piece of roadkill. I am simply not happy in a general sense. Although there are some things that bring happiness to my day such as hearing from the guy I'm seeing. His work is preventing us from seeing one another though and it's annoying. I feel like I am in the Army again, deployed and can't be with my partner. He's been on a work trip since Thursday I believe and we've barely talked. Kinda sucks. He makes me happy when we talk. Our hope is that he can come this weekend to stay with me.
Relapse has been on my mind quite frequently. I just can't seem to handle the world sober. Everything aggravates me. Maybe I do need to be on an SSRI or SNRI although I've been down that road before and still have had the same empty and often even suicidal thoughts. I'm not so sure that's the answer. But, I have to get myself sorted out eventually. I may be sober but I'm not making any progress in my emotional or spiritual growth. At least I don't feel it. I don't know. There are fleeting moments of joy and happiness but most of it fades away to darkness and blackness. I am still really down about the job I didn't get cause of my DUI. I think I have more than paid my price for my mistakes, I'm paying them daily monetarily and emotionally and I just want someone to give me a chance so I can turn my life around and get back into living again. I don't feel like I'm living, merely existing hating so much of the world.
Last night I awoke to a common nightmare that I have. It caused me great distress and I found myself writing about it in the middle of the night. Of course, I can't write it here because it's about a mission I did over in Iraq. Can't break the secret clearance I have with the government… or can I? That's what I'm toying with in terms of writing a book. What can I write about in terms of my military career since so much of it was a "secret." I guess I'd have to consult a lawyer on that. And how much do I expose. Do I expose the truth? I don't think I'd get very far in trying to do so. But, anyways I digress. I'm off on a tangent and I will never win in regards to the government. I recognized that early on in my military career but yet, stayed eight years and put myself in their box and conformed… or did I?
I've been struggling with the word freedom lately. What does it really mean and do I believe in it. This is something that would take pages to write about but prematurely I'm going to say I don't believe in it. I've experienced things first handed and I know freedom is an illusion. However, I do believe in liberation. I seek that in my life and when I get it I believe I will finally be happy. But, first I have to unload all the shit I am carrying on my back. I think I need to talk to someone. But I hate shrinks. This is why I like talking to the guy I'm dating so much because he gets all of this and feels similar. I don't need a professional per se, just a peer capable of thinking like me so I can bounce my ideas off of them. Anyways, I digress.
But, these things keep me up at night. My past keeps me up at night. I still haven't come home from that miserable third world country I was in for 15 plus months. A part of me will never come home. How do you live with that. Some of my peers never came home and a part of me is with them. So what do you do?
Anyways, in two days it will be two months. I guess a celebration is in order. I suppose I will have to postpone that until this weekend when I actually have someone to celebrate with. I really feel dead inside today. Sorry for the dark and disturbed post. Welcome to my mind.
marathonmel7 added 26 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...
Pain level 8/10 today… now off to work I go and try to function like a nice human being.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 191