I really need some support, please help me - Part 191

By marathonmel7 · Feb 2, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 58…

    So, i feel like a piece of roadkill. I am simply not happy in a general sense. Although there are some things that bring happiness to my day such as hearing from the guy I'm seeing. His work is preventing us from seeing one another though and it's annoying. I feel like I am in the Army again, deployed and can't be with my partner. He's been on a work trip since Thursday I believe and we've barely talked. Kinda sucks. He makes me happy when we talk. Our hope is that he can come this weekend to stay with me.

    Relapse has been on my mind quite frequently. I just can't seem to handle the world sober. Everything aggravates me. Maybe I do need to be on an SSRI or SNRI although I've been down that road before and still have had the same empty and often even suicidal thoughts. I'm not so sure that's the answer. But, I have to get myself sorted out eventually. I may be sober but I'm not making any progress in my emotional or spiritual growth. At least I don't feel it. I don't know. There are fleeting moments of joy and happiness but most of it fades away to darkness and blackness. I am still really down about the job I didn't get cause of my DUI. I think I have more than paid my price for my mistakes, I'm paying them daily monetarily and emotionally and I just want someone to give me a chance so I can turn my life around and get back into living again. I don't feel like I'm living, merely existing hating so much of the world.

    Last night I awoke to a common nightmare that I have. It caused me great distress and I found myself writing about it in the middle of the night. Of course, I can't write it here because it's about a mission I did over in Iraq. Can't break the secret clearance I have with the government… or can I? That's what I'm toying with in terms of writing a book. What can I write about in terms of my military career since so much of it was a "secret." I guess I'd have to consult a lawyer on that. And how much do I expose. Do I expose the truth? I don't think I'd get very far in trying to do so. But, anyways I digress. I'm off on a tangent and I will never win in regards to the government. I recognized that early on in my military career but yet, stayed eight years and put myself in their box and conformed… or did I?

    I've been struggling with the word freedom lately. What does it really mean and do I believe in it. This is something that would take pages to write about but prematurely I'm going to say I don't believe in it. I've experienced things first handed and I know freedom is an illusion. However, I do believe in liberation. I seek that in my life and when I get it I believe I will finally be happy. But, first I have to unload all the shit I am carrying on my back. I think I need to talk to someone. But I hate shrinks. This is why I like talking to the guy I'm dating so much because he gets all of this and feels similar. I don't need a professional per se, just a peer capable of thinking like me so I can bounce my ideas off of them. Anyways, I digress.

    But, these things keep me up at night. My past keeps me up at night. I still haven't come home from that miserable third world country I was in for 15 plus months. A part of me will never come home. How do you live with that. Some of my peers never came home and a part of me is with them. So what do you do?

    Anyways, in two days it will be two months. I guess a celebration is in order. I suppose I will have to postpone that until this weekend when I actually have someone to celebrate with. I really feel dead inside today. Sorry for the dark and disturbed post. Welcome to my mind.

    marathonmel7 added 26 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...

    Pain level 8/10 today… now off to work I go and try to function like a nice human being.

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel, when you talk about this "darkness" that you feel, how long has that been going on? I mean, have you been dwelling in dark thoughts for as long as you remember, or can you put a time-frame on this feeling?

    The reason I ask is because your answer to that question may help shed light on what started this "seeking of darkness" in you to begin with. If it's always been in the background, your problems are probably rooted deep in your childhood or adolescence; if you can remember a specific time when your dark thinking began, it may shed light on why you are still suffering this mindset.

    We all have to learn to exist through our doubts and darkness, and to trust that it will pass and that better times will return soon. But learning to doing that is oh-so-much harder if/or we have doubt or fear to first conquer.
  2. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    This is just MY thoughts. We all use due to underlying mental illness. We pick up to numb past or present hurts. For me, I was looking to numb a history of rape, some PTSD shit, and a marriage that had been swirling the drain for quite sometime. I was angry...really fucking angry. But under that anger was the real issue. Under the anger was this dark fucking hole of anxiety and depression that I had been ignoring for years and years. It was easier for me to be angry than hopeless or sad. I don't know I guess that sounds stupid but it was how I felt.

    When I got clean, the anger intensified. I was like "Great. I am fucking clean and I fucking feel WORSE!!! WTF???" I started hoping I just would not wake up. Those thoughts finally scared me enough to confide in one of my best friends (who happens to be another provider) and he suggested I had depression and prescribed the Cymbalta. I was pissed about this. I didn't want to have depression. Anyhow, he was right. I had depression and the SNRI (while making me even fatter) has turned things around from a mental standpoint.

    You might have depression or PTSD or GAD or some combo. You went through some serious shit in Iraq. I think though it might be worth speaking to somebody (not the VA) about how you feel and getting another opinion. Maybe medications will help, or maybe not. Maybe you just need support and another point of view. I feel your pain though and I wish there was something I could do to help you and to take the damn darkness away. Just know you aren't alone and that I care. I do NOT know how you feel or exactly what you have endured but I care. I care about you and your happiness. I want you to get past this shit and regain your goals and your life. I want this for all of us. We have lost enough.

    Love to you.
  3. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Bottom line: One step at a time. You got clean and now you're getting healthy. Once you're healthy, the rest will fall into place. IF you want it bad enough.

    Life is fucking tough, whether you're born with a silver spoon in his mouth or into anguished agony. No one slides when it comes to doubt, fear, anger, disappointment, sorrow or emptiness. Everyone will feel those feelings sometime in their lives. Trust in history if you do not have spiritual beliefs. Hey. Just in this beautiful country alone, people have traveled for days (weeks, months--years) to get here and work 7 days a week digging holes or cleaning other people's houses just to scrape by and make a life worth passing down to their kids and grandkids.

    I truly want you to watch this little film and get back to me. It's the clearest way I have to put your inner feelings into perspective--and that is what life is really about: coping with change, and learning to keep perspective.

    Sent with love and respect. - B
  4. cren
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hey Mel,
    I can see so much progress.
    You are facing the reality of your situation, your emotions, your thoughts stone cold sober. And you are not flipping out just questioning thing and sorting through stuff in your mind and you are not burying it all underneath drugs. Thats great progress as a whole. Have you read up on paws and is there anything you can relate to about what you read? Are you able to do physical exercise a little to help you feel better or are you to physically unable. Excerise had been my salvation. I think its normal to want to relapse when you feel a little lost in it all, but those feelings will pass. So long as you try and aim for good quality of life you will achieve it. I know you are pretty tough on yourself at times but you have done really well and achieved alot quite quickly. But I can see how you are needing to address some emotional issues and I know you know that and are trying. I think writing about it is great if you can have the time. You dont have to publish it just to get it off your chest. If you wanted to publish later down the track you could always get a lawyer to go over it. I like reading what you have to say because its so real and relatable and clear. Its just the start of a new life for you and when you and you are making progress
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!