I really need some support, please help me - Part 195

By marathonmel7 · Feb 5, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Day 61…

    Thanks JD for your message. I already knew a lot of that information. I spent two years as an undergraduate pre med student and one full year in nursing school so I have some knowledge about this stuff but I appreciate your clarification and I feel a little less uneasy about the whole thing I guess. I know about propanolol because I've been prescribed it for a long time for anxiety attacks and for the mitral valve prolapse as well. This is like my third time taking this medication. It's hard on me because my blood pressure is super low so sometimes it makes me feel faint -sometimes. It works good for panic attacks though. I use it when I go to my dui classes in a group setting to keep my heart rate down and for me to keep from having a panic attack for public speaking. I used to take it before I'd have to get in front of the class and give presentations. Anyways, it's a good drug.

    This morning I woke up really depressed. My friend leaves for Afghanistan today, my very best friend in the world. She and I deployed together in Iraq and she saved my life. Now I can't be there to save hers. All I can do is Skype her and send her care packages which I absolutely will. She is not doing well at all. As I mentioned before she takes four shots in the morning before work just to cope with her day and then drinks herself to sleep every night. She developed her addiction like I did mine after our deployment. It was just too much. She's the stronger and better person though, she stayed in and is doing a full 20 years. I got out. I really wish I could see her. I miss her terribly. She is truly my soulmate in terms of friendship. I love her more than I love some of my family. She is like family to me. She has a son that just turned 16 and has cerebral palsy and her other son is 7. He had to go live with her mother in law because her husband got shipped off to Korea.

    The Army destroys families. They separate them and send them opposite directions, it makes me sick. My friend really needs her family. She just spent a considerable time away from her husband. Now she has to spend an additional 9 more months away from him. The Army took away leave now so on a 9 month deployment you don't get shit. That makes me irate. Everyone deserves to have leave and take a break.

    I was there for 1 month in Kuwait and 15 months in Iraq and I like, everyone else got my 18 days leave. I went to Hawaii for that time period because my boyfriend at the time was from there and he too, was in the Army and we timed our leave for the same time. We were deployed at the same time and had actually met down range. We ended up getting engaged but I was so fucked up after my deployment that I ended the engagement cause I knew I wouldn't be able to be a good partner to him. Plus he was so optimistic and i'm such a pessimistic person, it just wasn't fair. Now he is married and seems happy. So, I am happy.

    I felt so alone when I woke up. My guy told me he'd call me this morning and I was looking forward to that and then he never called me. He says work has been crazy. We only talked ten minutes on the phone last night because he could barely keep his eyes open. Kind of annoying because I really needed to talk to him after the day I had had yesterday. Anyways, my best friend told me my happiness can't rely on other people and she's right of course. I am just so fragile and sensitive right now I really need to talk at the end of my days to my guy. He calms me down and helps me immensely. So far, cross your fingers, he will be coming to see me this Saturday and Sunday. i am trying not to get too excited to see him though. Work could change things for him at any moment and then there goes our visit right out the window. I just want to be close to him. I want to sleep next to him every night. I want him to hold me so I don't have nightmares and wake up screaming. I don't want to be alone from someone I care about so much. I truly believe I've met my match and I don't want to lose him for anything. Just looking into his beautiful eyes makes me melt. He's so fucking intelligent too. But anyways, I digress. I'm sure you all don't want to hear me gush.

    Please keep my best friend in your thoughts though. Wish for her safety and sanity please. I'd greatly appreciate it. You've supported me so well, I just ask that you keep our american soldiers in your hearts and remember WE ARE STILL AT FUCKING WAR!

    I've been working on the heroin forum and it's amazing just how much work it really is. I have a whole new respect for the moderators of his site and especially Alfa. If it weren't for him this place wouldn't even exist. I'm so thankful to be a part of this place. I'm so thankful for all of my readers and responders. You guys have given me so much strength. You can't buy that anywhere or no fucking rehab can provide what you all have provided to me and so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I get such nice DMs from other members that don't post on my thread. It's really special to me though.

    I can honestly say this morning I felt like I wanted to relapse. I felt like I wanted to die. I was so down. Finding out my friend died in Afghanistan and knowing my best friend is headed there today totally mind fucks you. I want to be there with my weapon to protect her. I love her truly. We've had some amazing intimate moments too. Hopefully, by the time she comes back I can visit her. Although I know she will have family and friends lined up to see her. I just hope I get to see her soon. In the meantime we are going to Skype every night so I know she is ok.

    We are also going to use Heywire. It's an interesting app that allows you to text anyone in the world at any time. So we have that too and email of course. I just need to know daily that she's ok.

    Well, I guess that's about it. I don't really want to get into my personal state of mind right now. It's pretty negative and my readers don't deserve to hear all the negativity. I'm still waiting to hear back about some job opportunities. Just being patient. Although in my background check my DUI/possession charges don't even come up so who knows. LA is so behind in processing stuff. Maybe I will slip under the radar but I doubt it. I'm not that lucky.

    Anyways, hope all have a good day. Thanks for reading and supporting as always. I noticed I gained over 1000 readers in a day. That makes me feel good. i hope I have inspired some people to quit heroin. That's one of many goals of this thread. I want people to see that it's possible. You can come back from addiction. Although I'm not so sure you can come back from PTSD although that's a whole other discussion.

    Anyways, take care all.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better. How is the betablocker doing? Stay strong my friend. You have a lot of stuff on your plate.
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