I really need some support, please help me - Part 200

By marathonmel7 · Feb 12, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Tayorous,

    Sorry for being so harsh in regards to your post. I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm under a lot of stress and wasn't being professional and respectful. I apologize to you and any other member I've offended. It won't happen again. I sent you a DM.

    marathonmel7 added 189 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...

    Day 67…

    Spent 12 hours in the hospital today getting my procedure done. I was supposed to stay overnight but couldn't cause of my dog and him having no one to take care of him. I left against medical advice but explained my situation. I also have to work tomorrow and need the money.

    Long and short of it is I have endocarditis and a faulty mitral valve. The doc will call me and let me know if I need surgery. The cardiologist wasn't in long. He said he needed to consult with other cardiologists on my condition.

    I am on antibiotics and propanolol for my issues right now. I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon to start treating my ptsd again. I don't know what the course of action will be. I also have a bad rash too. I was told that the endocarditis is at fault for the rash. Not sure how long I've had endocarditis, it could have been months and that could be the reason for my other illnesses I've suffered over this past 6 weeks. Heroin usage causes endocarditis as well as faulty valves or so I was told. If I have to have surgery I will transfer my care to where my guy lives and he will take care of me and my dog. That's the plan anyways.

    I feel bad about being such an asshole on this thread recently. I take full responsibility for my behavior and actions and being a titanium member I should know better. So again, I apologize to those I offended. i won't make the same mistakes again especially when people are just trying to show their support.

    I think I'm going to take a break from this thread. Haven't decided yet. I feel like I've let some people down and that makes me feel bad especially since you all have got me sober and kept me sober. I don't want people afraid to post here. I am the first person to admit when I am wrong and i was wrong. Won't happen again. I let my personal issues influence my behavior.

    I am quite down today. I got bad news today and had a bad day ALONE at the hospital. I was supposed to stay overnight but couldn't so left against medical advice. I know those will scrutinize me for it but I had to do what I had to do. My dog needs to be cared for and my guy couldn't take him today or be there with me because of his work schedule. So it is what it is.

    My Mom sent me a really mean message today and hurt me greatly. My dad didn't even call me to check on me. I feel like I have no one. My friends are all out of state, best friend deploying, etc. They don't and shouldn't have to deal with my shit as they have enough on their plates.

    So, anyone can DM me if they'd like but I think for now I will take a break from this thread. Or maybe tomorrow when I've had more rest I will change my mind. I don't know. But I want this thread to be positive and inspiring and I feel like I've failed at that. So, we will see.

    To all those trying to get clean, you can do it. There's a lot of support here. People deserve good things here. Mods work hard and they don't deserve drama.

    Thanks to all that are here and that stay committed to helping me. Again, I apologize for acting like a jerk and being immature.

Comments

  1. prescriptionperil
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    Please stay. I believe it's important both for your recovery, not to mention how you've contributed to the forum. We all make mistakes.

    The PTSD I know too well. Although heroin was not my doc, I grasp that desire to numb the pain and rage. Plus I suffer from extensive chronic pain.

    I'm doing a steady illicit sub drug taper off a ten year legitimate opiate script. Still semi dope sick for a week. High cannabinoid MMJ helps the physical and psych symptoms somewhat.
    Then benzos have to go. The shit stops working, and I must be a rapid metabolizer considering the doses I handled for colonoscopies, pre pain management. Now I'm fighting with my insurance company for a radiofrequency abalation in my lower back. Polyarthritis and more woes. Could be worse.

    Sheesh, now medical issues. Hope it turns out for the best.
  2. marathonmel7
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    ^^ thank your your support and kindness!!
  3. BeachWalk
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel, please don't beat yourself up. It's over and done. We are all in this together finding our way one day at a time; learning and growing. I'm sure your thread helps more people than you know. We need you here.

    I'm really sorry for all of your health issues. I wish you had a support system in place where you live. No one should have to go through what you did today all by yourself. As hard as it is sometimes, it's okay to ask others for help. It's one of the key elements of getting healthy. Being vulnerable can be very scary but people can surprise you. And others, who you assumed would be there can sadly, disappoint.

    Get some rest and please let us know how you're doing if you're up to it.
  4. marathonmel7
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Thanks beach walk. I appreciate your feedback and support. I really need it today.
  5. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Oh Mel! I was worried that was what it was. The MVP made you more susceptible. Likely you have had it for weeks and yes, it triggered all your other illnesses. It is an unfortunate side effect of IV use. We see a lot of it so you are not alone.

    Your doctor will consult with CV surgeon and show him the films. He will make the decision of whether it can be repaired or replaced which is surgery either way or if it is not that bad they will let alone. It is likely that you will be started on IV antibiotics as oral won't cut it. Get your dog to your guy and get to this treatment as soon as possible. I am not trying to frighten or upset you but endocarditis can be fatal without appropriate treatment. They will put in a PICC line that you will have for several weeks for antibiotics. I am here if you have any questions as you go along. Not only do I deal with this every day but my father had it and it destroyed his aortic valve and he ended up in heart failure and renal failure. I thought we were going to lose him and it scared me shitless. Actually that is how I met the cardiologist who then hired and trained me. Anyhow, he did fine and they replaced the valve and he is back to his life.

    Yes, you have been bitchy but we all realize you are very stressed. Friends forgive and move on. We all care about you and you need a support system right now so I hope you will continue to post. Getting the ptsd and anxiety treated will help but for now focus on your heart.

    Love to you my friend. Big, big love.

    Jungledog added 33 Minutes and 44 Seconds later...

    And Mel, call your vet and explain the situation. My daughter is a vet tech. When patients get sick like this, they keep their pets for free. You can also ask animal control to do the same thing. They will care for the little one until you are better or until your friend can pick him up.
  6. charliecat
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel just wanted to let you know I've had a problem logging in so not been able to post but have been reading your posts.
    You are the strongest person I know and you will get through this rough time..
    Just take a look back at where you started and pat yourself on the back for how much you have achieved.
    C
  7. Loveluck29
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel,

    Mistakes happen, I'm sure everyone here has had instances where stress has pushed us to the point of doing things that are out of character. You are dealing with A LOT, and not to make excuses but it has happened on numerous occasions now where people have jumped on without reading and suggested methadone or subs. Honestly, it frustrates me when I see, so it's understandable that it upset you. You have apologized, and that takes a big person. It's over, don't sweat it.

    A lot of people are getting inspiration from your thread, so please don't take a break. It is helping a lot of people :)

    I'm sorry to hear about your health issues. You are being tested to the max these last few months and have still stayed away from heroin, probably the hardest drug to quit, especially in times of turmoil. You are a rockstar, and an inspiration, Truly!

    Loveluck29 added 21 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...

    Oh, one more thing...

    Your journal is just that, YOUR JOURNAL! Don't for a second feel like you need to stay positive in every post. Your experiences acre helping people, but first and foremost this is to help you in your recovery. Don't ever feel the need to sugar coat things, I don't think that is helpful to anyone personally. What you have done, and are continuing to do is not easy, it is serious shit. Continue to write exactly what you are feeling on any given day, people that read this who are trying to quit can sympathize with your writing because it is real and in many ways reflects how they are feeling at times too. If you are only posting positive entries, it won't give people the full picture and I truly believe that is necessary. People see you getting through these horrible, stressful days without relapsing and that is a huge inspiration. Honestly you are going through so much that personally I feel like if you can deal with all of this and stay clean I have no excuses!

    This is your place, and you need to post how you are feeling. If someone doesn't like it they can choose to stop reading or leave the thread. This thread is clearly helping you and I would hate to see you stop posting because you are worried how anyone else may perceive a particular post.
  8. cren
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel,
    I have been thinking of you lately. You have had to work very hard to get where you are. The trouble with nearly going to gaol and going to hospital because of the depression. You could of said fuck it and given up but you turned these difficuties into motivation to get through it and the fact that you wrote about it is an example to everyone out there.
    Its to the forums advantage that you have put it in words for us all to share in your experience especially the bad days when its hard not to be in a bad mood because we all have them and we can relate. So even if you dont post anymore thanks for posting what you have because this thread is a great example on df
  9. Jungledog
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Mel,

    I have thought of you each day and am wishing you the best. I know how overwhelming your illness is and you have an intense amount of shit on your plate. Know we are all here supporting you. I know you may actually be in the hospital right now. Sending you much love.
  10. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)

    Hi Mel-

    There's no You on the thread since your post about going for your heart procedure, and the silence since has us all concerned. But being an optimist, I'm going to figure that you're a very strong spirit and whether you're busy with other personal business or in hospital being well taken care of, do remember that we are thinking of you and expecting your return soon.

    You're in our thoughts,
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