Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
Hey all, how is everyone doing? I'm sorry but I had to take a break from this thread and even the forum for a little bit. A lot has been going on and I just needed to take a breather. I felt really bad about being so negative and wanted to take some time to myself to regroup. Anyways, I am so so right now.
As far as my health issues are concerned, that's a very long story so I will just give you a brief synopsis. I am currently receiving IV treatments everyday from a nurse that comes to my house for my endocarditis. I will have to have these treatments for quite some time the doctors said but they are letting me stay out of the hospital which I am very happy about. As far as the mitral valve goes, they will consider surgery when the endo heals. Possibly 6-8 weeks from now. But both conditions are aggravating one another and they can't do open heart surgery with a bacterial infection in my heart. It's just not a smart thing. I went through hell and back to get three opinions. Two nut cases wanted to do surgery last week and the final doctor who is from UCLA and works at Cedars Sinai hospital (one of the best hospitals on the west coast) came in and said hell no what are you two thinking. Anyways, I knew the VA would try and kill me haha. So, I threw a fit and with the help of a doctor friend who knew some people at UCLA I was able to get this third opinion. It was interesting to say the least. So, I am being treated at home right now. I have my good days and bad days. I've lost more weight and have been pretty ill but I'm managing. A lot of good has come out of this though and here's why…
Yesterday, I awoke to a really nice, long text message. I didn't know who it was although deep in my heart I thought it may have been from my brother. Well, it was. We haven't spoken since 2009 and I never thought we'd speak again. My dad basically told my brother what was going on with me and he reached out. We ended up talking the whole day. It was so nice. He's changed so much. I found out a lot of stuff I didn't know about him. He too, has been through hell and back. I found out that he had did a stint in prison and a second stint in jail. I will explain really quickly the charges. A long time ago when my brother was in high school he was 17 and his girlfriend was 15. The long and short of the story is he got charged with leud and licivious conduct, two felonies. The girlfriend's parents pressed charges against my brother and my brother didn't know any better and fessed up to having had a relationship with her which was illegal at that time in Florida. My parents were in the middle of a divorce and didn't get my brother a good lawyer because my Dad was off drinking and my Mom had lost her mind. They didn't protect my brother so he went to jail. His girlfriend kept contact with him despite all that but they eventually had to cut ties due to the charges and her parents. So, that made my brother have to register as a sex offender when he got out of jail.
Later on, he became homeless somewhere in 2008 I guess. He had nowhere to go and if you don't register as a sex offender you go to prison or jail. They sent my brother to a level 4 prison. My brother weighs 137 pounds. He witnessed 42 stabbings, a murder of his friend and 10 rapes. He went through a lot before they transferred him to jail. He spent the rest of his time there. He spent 2 years total between jail and prison at that point. So, when I got back from Iraq in 2009, we had our big falling out. Neither of us had known what each had been through, he became a religious extremist and I am an atheist and we had our words. It was terrible and I vowed never to talk to him again. The things he said to me were so awful.
Well, he's changed big time. He's still religious but he respects my views and barely mentioned religion yesterday other to say he's praying for me and he cares about me and loves me and wants to be able to hug me again. He's in Tennessee now and works a very laborious job. I also found out several years back he was working on a car and it fell on his face breaking six bones in his face and his jaw. He almost died, again. He's got nine lives like I do but I think we've both pretty much used up them all. Anyways, he's been through hell and back just as I have been but in a different way. He has been attempted to be raped although beat the shit out of the guy that tried doing it. He's jacked for 137 pounds and can fight. I told him about my rape and he flipped his shit. But, that's a whole other story.
Anyways, he has ptsd too. He too has some of the same issues I have. He has flashbacks, nightmares etc. from prison and the stuff he's gone through. He now has a girlfriend and he lives good just getting himself a new vehicle after having rode his bike to work for a year. He's so proud of it and I am proud of him too. It's amazing. We connected so well. I feel so happy to now have talked with him. SLowly, I'm getting bits and pieces of my family back despite losing them for many years. I have a so so relationship with my mom, dad and now picking up the pieces with my brother and my uncle and his wife are and have been there for me this year too. So while, they don't live near me, they are being supportive and it feels really nice for the first time in years. So maybe, it took me getting sick to make all this happen I don't know. I almost died though from the endo. The docs said it wouldn't have been much longer as I have been walking around with it for a long time. Not sure how long. But, it's bad.
I'm not supposed to do anything but bed rest but i am working three days a week cause i have no money and have to. I have a job interview next week and i am hoping to get it. It's a really good job and would settle my financial disaster right now. In the midst of all this shit, I'm facing eviction, losing my car, etc. It's bad. My brother is trying to raise some money for me from the church he's a part of. He's convinced he can help me as the church has helped my brother in the past. I feel kind of weird accepting that since my beliefs are what they are but it's an emergency and it's from my brother as he states, not the church. So I don't know.
Anyways, that's a brief synopsis of what's going on in my life right now. I am not sober from opiates, the docs are giving me pain meds for my back. But, I'm sober from heroin which is all that matters to me. They are treating me to keep my heart from being stressed. I've also managed to quit smoking and have completely transferred onto my ecig. So, yes I still get my nicotine fix but just not cigs anymore. The doc told me I had to quit so I did. And i'm glad I did because I'm breathing better already.
My brother was smoking two packs a day and coughing up blood so he had to quit too and uses his ecig too. So, all in all things are getting better. I can't hardly do anything though. I am very weak. Even writing on this thread is a lot for me. My mind isn't so sharp. I'm going to be getting in to see the psychiatrist when I can soon. We are playing phone tag right now. I'm just not up for doing anything. Not even supposed to be driving.
My guy is coming tomorrow to see me. He's been awfully supportive throughout all of this but he's so busy at work and being that I'm not his wife or immediate family he can't just leave and come and take care of me. So, it is what it is. Just pretty much me doing everything. Although the nurse is helping me around the house with simple stuff like laundry and dishes which I'm grateful for.
I hope everyone is doing well. I need to get caught up on the threads of others but I'm afraid it will be awhile. I've also neglected my duties helping manage the heroin forum. I'm just too worn out. I have to take a break. THis place can be stressful too sometimes. I was heavily involved on the forum and now i'm backing off a bit. I will come back. This forum is my lifeline to support. But, for now I have to keep everything light as my stress levels have to stay low. Being told you're going to die if you don't get a hold of yourself is sort of sobering. So, I'm doing what I'm told and managing things I can manage.
Hope everyone is doing well. I will update again when I can or feel like it. Today is the first time I really felt like writing. My friend is safe in Afghanistan well not safe, but made it safely there. My other friend was buried last weekend. I'm trying to disassociate myself from it a bit. It's too stressful. I have to remain calm and I can't when I'm in the trenches with them.
Anyways, take care all. Love to everyone that's sent me messages and supported me. This place is truly sentimental to me and the people here are lovely. So, thank you all for your kind words and messages.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 201