Re: I really need some support, please help me (Heroin)
The IV morphine doesn't work so well for my pain actually. It is very short-lived. I prefer just taking norcos. They work the best but the doc wants everything IV'd right now. So, it is what it is. Most people would love to be receiving IV anything but I actually prefer hydrocodone for pain not even oxycodone. Oxy's don't work for my pain well. Even tramadol as weak as that is works for my pain but the doc is doing what he wants to do so whatever. It is what it is.
Thank you for your support. I am almost to day 84. Not quite. To be honest, heroin works the best for my pain but I obviously won't be traveling down that road again… ever! So I am doing what I am told. I got into an argument with this girl at work tonight. She was blaming my vaping (e cig) for my problems. Her family is all doctors so she was acting as if she knew more than me. She is an accountant not a doctor. I did three years of pre-med and a year of nursing school. I think I have more experience than her and my doctors certainly do too and my doc said the e cig has nothing to do with all of this and of course he is right. I quit smoking two weeks ago like I was told to do and vape now. It's not affecting me negatively. It's actually helped quite a bit. No more coughing, well now I'm coughing cause of the pulmonary edema but that's entirely different. Coughing from cigarettes though, no. And I even went down in nicotine this week from 24mg/ml to 20. So I am even dropping down in that aspect too.
Anyways. i am upset. I don't get to see my guy. His parents flew in from Spain to Dallas for an emergency with regards to his mother's health. I haven't been able to talk to him yet so I don't know how bad it is but I'm incredibly worried and anxious right now cause i don't know what's going on. Sucks. I feel like shit and really needed him this weekend. But, his mother is more important of course. I'm just hoping she's ok. It must be pretty bad for them to fly all the way from Spain to the states for medical treatment. My mind is going a million miles an hour wondering what's wrong with her, will she be ok, does she need surgery, is my guy ok? I'm panicking. Plus, I have no one here for me for my health issues either. Sucks. You'd think my Mom would at least fly in right now and help me. I guess she's waiting to see if I have heart surgery. It's ridiculous though. Everything literally is crashing around me. I don't know what to do. I am have been so tough and strong and I am crashing. I don't know how to function right now. I want to cry so many tears but it just won't come out. I can't cry. All I have is my dog right now. Thankfully I have him. But I feel so alone. I can't take it anymore. I give up. I really do.
I'm angry, sad, anxious, suicidal, homicidal, scared, etc. My life just seems to be nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am of no value.
Conversely, I got the job I interviewed for today but I have to pay to take the classes to get licensed as a financial advisor/planner with a really good company. I can't even afford to do that. The company then trains you. It's $300 total. I can't even pay my rent right now so how can I pay for training for a new job. I don't know what the fuck to do. This is why there is no god. If there was a god then why would he/she/it make good people like me suffer so fucking much. I ask myself why? Why when I'm doing all the right things am I just getting fucked over and over again. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and go to the hospital. That's where the docs want me anyways for 6 weeks. I just can't sit there day in/day out. IT's too fucking depressing. I hate being around other veterans too. I can't stay at the VA.
Anyways, I've ranted enough. i am enraged right now. I just want to be happy and healthy and be with my guy and my family. I want this shit to all go away. I give up, I really do. Melissa has no more fight in her! Done!
I really need some support, please help me - Part 205