Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.
Hey all, I'm upset. I am working so hard and I love my new job but it hurts my back immensely which immediately causes me to relapse. I tried motrin and ibuprofen. Nothing works but the good old H. I am so ashamed of myself because I'm working so hard at work. I have a 9.2 average out of 10 in terms of customer satisfaction. I've been getting tips every job I do. It's been fantastic but my sobriety has been bad. i was two days clean and then I screwed up last night and got some. WHy can't I do this. If I had no back pain I seriously could drop it without care. I don't even want the high anymore just the pain relief. I could go to the pain management clinic but I don't want to deal with the hassle and you have to be clean to go there anyways. They drug test you as everyone on here knows already.
I don't know what to do. I just threw my stash out and i'm going to try it again. It's not the withdrawals that are killing me it's the back pain. I just need to suck it up and do this. I really want to be sober. All my hard earned money is still going to this stupid crap. i want to be over it and done with it. So, here I go starting all over again. My withdrawals haven't been bad because I have some clean days in between usage so I can deal with all that. I've not had a day off in 12 days which I don't care because I need the money and it keeps my brain occupied. It would keep me sober if it weren't for the pain. I look back at this journal and I almost have to laugh at myself because I've failed so many times. I thought that I'd never use after jail and here I am doing it again. I am ashamed and I am worried the same thing will happen again.
I am just trying to get my life back together again and I'm doing something I truly enjoy and now there's just one last thing to do and that's to get H out of my life. I know I can do it. I have to be tougher. I have to say no. I need to get away from this town. I want to go home to be with my Mother. I can clean houses with her there. It's just so expensive to go home and I have to save up money. That's going to take some time. I'm not complaining so please don't think that I am. i've brought this all upon myself. But, I have to do it this time. I can't afford to keep doing this. Mistake after mistake. It's asinine. It's truly the definition of insanity. It's not working for me.
So, here I sit. Doing it once again. Starting over and hoping that this time will be it. I look at some of the other users on here that have journals and they are doing this. Charliecat, Tryhard, Jels. You know who you are. I want to be like all of you. i want to come out from this dark side and into the light. I am so close and I want it so bad. I will channel all my energy into it. I am going to be positive which is something I never do. i am always negative. Maybe the positive outlook on this will get me to where i want to be. I really never want to use this substance again. I must not use!
To those that have kept supporting me I thank you. I am a dumbass that's throwing my life away. Every second day its the same thing. Use. Then, two days clean then use. WTF?! It's not working in my life anymore. I give up. I succumb. If there is a god out there then why keep punishing me. i am a good person and I've done a lot of good things in my life. I don't want this hanging over my head anymore. I don't' want this addiction to define me. I want the good things.
So, here I sit. Disgusted with myself. Angry at myself. I want to try again, a fresh clean start. To those who will support me thank you. Please have faith in me that I can do this even though I don't deserve it. I need it right now though. I really need support now more than ever. I am going to work harder. This is ridiculous that I am not stronger than this addiction. I've been in freaking combat for freaking sake. WTF!? I quit. I really do. It's over with. Back pain or no back pain. I am better than this. It's over with this time. It's all over with. Time to change my life for the better. This job is a sign that there's a light and I must come towards that light and i will be happier and healthier. I am so disgusted. I am going to go now. I would appreciate no criticism right now as I feel like crying and I never cry. i don't think I've cried in years. But, I'm close today. So damn frustrated. I want something so bad and i keep failing. I'm not going to give up though. I can do this. I will do this. One more time.
marathonmel7 added 54 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...
I'm so mad right now. i'm about to go back to work on my second house. I hope I can find stupid parking in stupid LA. I hope this house isn't a complete disaster like my customers house was yesterday. I'm not in the mood to scrub mildew. I just want to be sober now. I want it all to end. I am so emotional right now. I look back at my journal and my time in jail and I can't believe I started again. What a fucking idiot I am. I could go back to jail. Although I haven't been doing anything in public or in my car but still… it's always a possibility even if they come yank me out of my house. That's a bit ridiculous but still. I am such a jerk. I just want to be writing this and saying I'm two months clean which would have been the case if I had stayed sober after jail. But, no I'm 12 hours sober. ANyways, I have to go to work now. Just can't get a grasp on my emotions right now. i wish I could cry so it would help me. Instead I'm about to sit in stupid LA traffic. Wish me luck.
I really need some support, please help me - Part 79