I really need some support, please help me - Part 79

By marathonmel7 · Aug 19, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Hey all, I'm upset. I am working so hard and I love my new job but it hurts my back immensely which immediately causes me to relapse. I tried motrin and ibuprofen. Nothing works but the good old H. I am so ashamed of myself because I'm working so hard at work. I have a 9.2 average out of 10 in terms of customer satisfaction. I've been getting tips every job I do. It's been fantastic but my sobriety has been bad. i was two days clean and then I screwed up last night and got some. WHy can't I do this. If I had no back pain I seriously could drop it without care. I don't even want the high anymore just the pain relief. I could go to the pain management clinic but I don't want to deal with the hassle and you have to be clean to go there anyways. They drug test you as everyone on here knows already.

    I don't know what to do. I just threw my stash out and i'm going to try it again. It's not the withdrawals that are killing me it's the back pain. I just need to suck it up and do this. I really want to be sober. All my hard earned money is still going to this stupid crap. i want to be over it and done with it. So, here I go starting all over again. My withdrawals haven't been bad because I have some clean days in between usage so I can deal with all that. I've not had a day off in 12 days which I don't care because I need the money and it keeps my brain occupied. It would keep me sober if it weren't for the pain. I look back at this journal and I almost have to laugh at myself because I've failed so many times. I thought that I'd never use after jail and here I am doing it again. I am ashamed and I am worried the same thing will happen again.

    I am just trying to get my life back together again and I'm doing something I truly enjoy and now there's just one last thing to do and that's to get H out of my life. I know I can do it. I have to be tougher. I have to say no. I need to get away from this town. I want to go home to be with my Mother. I can clean houses with her there. It's just so expensive to go home and I have to save up money. That's going to take some time. I'm not complaining so please don't think that I am. i've brought this all upon myself. But, I have to do it this time. I can't afford to keep doing this. Mistake after mistake. It's asinine. It's truly the definition of insanity. It's not working for me.

    So, here I sit. Doing it once again. Starting over and hoping that this time will be it. I look at some of the other users on here that have journals and they are doing this. Charliecat, Tryhard, Jels. You know who you are. I want to be like all of you. i want to come out from this dark side and into the light. I am so close and I want it so bad. I will channel all my energy into it. I am going to be positive which is something I never do. i am always negative. Maybe the positive outlook on this will get me to where i want to be. I really never want to use this substance again. I must not use!

    To those that have kept supporting me I thank you. I am a dumbass that's throwing my life away. Every second day its the same thing. Use. Then, two days clean then use. WTF?! It's not working in my life anymore. I give up. I succumb. If there is a god out there then why keep punishing me. i am a good person and I've done a lot of good things in my life. I don't want this hanging over my head anymore. I don't' want this addiction to define me. I want the good things.

    So, here I sit. Disgusted with myself. Angry at myself. I want to try again, a fresh clean start. To those who will support me thank you. Please have faith in me that I can do this even though I don't deserve it. I need it right now though. I really need support now more than ever. I am going to work harder. This is ridiculous that I am not stronger than this addiction. I've been in freaking combat for freaking sake. WTF!? I quit. I really do. It's over with. Back pain or no back pain. I am better than this. It's over with this time. It's all over with. Time to change my life for the better. This job is a sign that there's a light and I must come towards that light and i will be happier and healthier. I am so disgusted. I am going to go now. I would appreciate no criticism right now as I feel like crying and I never cry. i don't think I've cried in years. But, I'm close today. So damn frustrated. I want something so bad and i keep failing. I'm not going to give up though. I can do this. I will do this. One more time.

    marathonmel7 added 54 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...

    I'm so mad right now. i'm about to go back to work on my second house. I hope I can find stupid parking in stupid LA. I hope this house isn't a complete disaster like my customers house was yesterday. I'm not in the mood to scrub mildew. I just want to be sober now. I want it all to end. I am so emotional right now. I look back at my journal and my time in jail and I can't believe I started again. What a fucking idiot I am. I could go back to jail. Although I haven't been doing anything in public or in my car but still… it's always a possibility even if they come yank me out of my house. That's a bit ridiculous but still. I am such a jerk. I just want to be writing this and saying I'm two months clean which would have been the case if I had stayed sober after jail. But, no I'm 12 hours sober. ANyways, I have to go to work now. Just can't get a grasp on my emotions right now. i wish I could cry so it would help me. Instead I'm about to sit in stupid LA traffic. Wish me luck.

Comments

  1. charliecat
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Mel I feel and share your pain and frustration as I am in exactly the same position. Going round and round in circles. I'm either stoned or withdrawing over and over again. I've spent so many days in acute withdrawals recently but never get to feel the benefits that some proper clean time without constant relapses would give.
    It is pure madness
    All I can say is that as long as we keep trying we will eventually make it. Each day we do manage to stay clean is an achievement and progress from previous constant multiple daily use..
    You have shown huge determination and honesty throughout your thread and are so close to being free from heroin..
    You gotta pick yourself up..stop beating yourself up about this lapse and get back on the wagon..You got this Mel..
    Sending you lots of hugs and strength
    C
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!