I really need some support, please help me - Part 80

By marathonmel7 · Aug 20, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Thanks for your kind words Charliecat. How are you feeling on this marvelous day.. NOT! I just got home from work and yes my back aches like crazy but I am not going to use. I am going to throw my phone under my bed so I can't even get to it, turn the ringer off so I can't get a text from my dealer and sit here, shut up and be sober. Yep, that's what I'm going to do. Just sit here, shutup and be sober. This is what normal people do right? I want to be a normal person. I've already scrubbed my house from top to bottom so I can' t clean anymore. I will have to just surf the web and watch tv to keep my brain occupied so I don't get tempted to do anything dumb. This guy wants me to come over to his house tonight. He keeps trying to pursue me but I'm not in the mood for dating. I am in no place in life to offer anyone anything. I am a complete disaster and I don't want to ruin anyone else's life. Plus I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want affection from anyone. I don't want a relationship either. SO yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I won't be going over to his house. I think I will continue to date my dog. IT seems to work out for me much better. He doesn't judge or criticize or try to make out with me when I don't want to. Yep.

    Ok, I'm off to do something productive. ANything but use. I will go throw my phone under the bed now. Here goes. Turned off, thrown under bed, complete. Now to hide out on my couch away from the evil heroin dealers. They can't get me now. My mind is made up.

    I think I am going crazy. Goodbye.

    marathonmel7 added 14 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

    Oh yeah and might I add that I am disgusting now. I am 5'7" and I weigh like 115 pounds maybe. I never eat because i am high. I don't touch food when I am using. It makes me sick. Now my job is so labor intensive I am losing even more weight. I lost my ass, no curve anymore. None of my clothes fit. I am always pulling my pants up. I feel unhealthy. When I do eat it's not really all that healthy. I don't get all the nutrients I need. I hate cooking. I eat out a fair amount when I can afford it. I'd rather someone else make my food and have it be somewhat healthy. I have no fat on me anywhere. It's safe to say I am a ghost. I do have a tan but that's about it. My face is sunken in and there's bags under my eyes. My muscle mass has decreased. I pretty much hate the way I look. I only run like once per week or cycle. I miss working out like I used to. can't do that when I am high. Can't do it when my back hurts as bad as it does either so I am screwed either way you look at it. I guess I will build up my endurance when I am sober again. I need to gain about ten pounds to have my body back and look like a female again. I do get my hair and nails done but that's about the only thing I have going for me. I am ashamed and people must think I am "sick."

    marathonmel7 added 1 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...

    I am sick, sick in the freaking head.

Comments

  1. SoozyQ
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Hang in there Mel; you are beautiful.

    It is possible that part of your down mood is because you aren't eating enough.

    When I started running with my brother a couple of years ago (after many years off), I used to find myself struggling badly and he'd ask if I eaten anything and the answer was no:D

    The point is, we need our food and nutrients to heal. Certainly all the cleaning you are doing will be using heaps of energy.

    Is is possible you could try a support belt for your back. My husband has one which he finds really good when doing physical work. Not sure if one might help you.

    You are doing an insane amount of cleaning. Is there anyway you could cut back to less hours a day and/or days a week and build up slowly? I know you want the cash, but maybe walking, bike riding etc might build up your strength and be enjoyable.

    Another thought. I know someone who had such bad back pain she thought they would have to give up their emergency radio room job. She did a two month clinical pilates course. Each week they learnt a new exercise (quite gentle) which they had to do all week and gradually built up over the two months. She said after that time, she didn't need to do the exercises any more as she had retrained how she held and moved her body. Might be worth exploring options over there:)

    Hang in there Mel, lots of love to you xxxxxxx
  2. TappingSoftly
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Mel, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, but look back at your post of 14-8-2014. I was so happy for you when I read that! Cleaning houses may be how you make money, but your real job now is working on yourself. Getting better physically and psychologically is almost a full time job all by it self. And it can take many, many months of being totally clean before you really start to feel better. Its daunting, i know, but you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. At the risk of sounding trite, time really is the great healer. We're all rooting for you!
  3. cren
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    I know your in pain and suffering psychologically because of that.
    I was an assistant nurse in a nursing home and a patient fell on me and I fractured my lower back. I had been clean from heroin about a month. My pain was bad. My legs would move by themselves and I couldnt controll my legs. My boss made me feel like I was in trouble for getting hurt and they told me to only use their doctors so I did but I got in trouble for it. So what did I do? You guessed it. Used reluctantly because I was sick of all those sleepless nights because of the back pain.

    If your pain is an old injury you will need to treat it yourself.
    Dont let your whole big situation get you down. Be kind to yourself and break each problem down
    Your doing quite ok psychologically because your work is keeping your mind busy but your down because of your physcial pain.
    So lets address this issues
    You need to get your body in good condition from the last post

    If you have worked 12 days straight and you are doing a physical job then not only will you be exhausted but you will be mentally worn out too. It will be harder to make rational decisions.
    Dont kick yourself for using it can be hard to make a rational decision when your so tired and have been working as hard as you have been.
    I know your throwing yourself into your work but are you doing this a bit to much? Its a physical job and sooner or later your going to burn out.

    Can you get some over the counter sleep aids to help you rest and recover?
    Your muscles wont recover from physical work because they only recover with sleep and rest days. This is going to make your back pain much worse. Its important to let your muscles recover.


    You need a few days off and something to keep you mind from using in those days. You need something for your out of work time thats just for you but not heroin.

    Can you u-tube exercises for back pain and stomach strenght ? That way you can build up your core muscles and relieve the pain without paying to much money.

    You are probably getting the psychological benefits of exercise from the job but how can you minimise exacerbating your back pain while working?

    I know that this will take time to build up but you need to practise protecting your spine and build back muscle to do this it will eventually alleviate pain. I know its easy to be used to the instant relief of drugs.

    You need to get used to taking care of your physical body now that you aren't using on a regular basis.
    Its alot easier to be mentally healthy when you are physically healthy and the opposite is true aswell you you need to attack this problem from both ends.

    You will feel mentally bad because your phyically run down and exhausted and will feel physically bad because your not in the mindset to take care of yourself but now is the most important time to tackle this problem. Heroin is just going to mask the issue.
    Its not just being free from heroin its learning to look after yourself so you dont want to use. And your making progress with that your job is helping heaps but you need other things too or you will burn out.

    I think you need to get some rest and start to slowly put yourself back together.
    Are you taking supplements?

    I know you dont see it but your actually come very far its just learning to cope without heroin.

    You sound like you had a really bad day and just so that you know, plenty of people care about you.
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